Posts Tagged Tony Abbott

The Queensland Floods shows that we should scrap government programs that I dont like.

Back in the forgotten age of 2009, the state of Victoria had been ravaged by bushfires and the Prime Minister of the day announced his governments response. Amongst the standard stuff, Kevin Rudd made the mistake of briefly linking the second stimulus package with the bushfire reconstruction. A few government backbenchers got in the act saying at the doors that voting against the stimulus was letting Victorians down, but the condemnation for linking bushfire recovery to a partisan political issue of the day was swift and this line was quickly abandoned.

Tony Abbott, never being one for subtlety is doing the exact same thing with the Queensland floods and the National Broadband Network.

Federal Opposition Leader Tony Abbott has called on the government to scrap its multibillion-dollar National Broadband Network (NBN) to help fund the Queensland flood recovery.

With the damage bill for the recovery effort estimated to run into the billions of dollars, Mr Abbott called for government expenditure to be “reprioritised “, starting with the costly NBN.

Tony Abbott is right that the commitments to rebuild after the floods will mean hard decisions will have to be made.  But isn’t it oh so convenient that the government program he is calling on to be scrapped is the most partisan issue in federal politics at the moment and one that he already opposed long before the floods. It’s perhaps the most blatant case of concern trolling from an Australian political leader.

It would be harder to doubt Abbott’s sincerity if he was advocating cutting a government program that he had previously been a passionate advocate for. But do you really think Abbott would support cutting our Afghanistan excursion, the baby bonus, the school chaplain program or the don’t abort your baby phone service? Of course not, he only wants to make the hard sacrifices on the stuff he doesn’t like.

The arguments for and against the NBN are still valid after the flood. Either its a vital investment in infrastructure that will pay for itself or a needlessly expensive white elephant. If the money is quickly recouped after thing is privatised then it is hardly wasted money, but if you are of Abbott’s view that it is money down the drain then the Queensland floods has nothing to do with that.

Its trying to push a false argument onto the people of the towns that have lost everything. Its trying to trick them into thinking that there is a choice between fixing their communities or the NBN, and if that was the choice obviously they would pick the former. But we are a prosperous country and we can afford to do both. Just like there isn’t talk of cutting back on the military or health care to pay for reconstruction, because they are very separate issues.

But hey, whats the point of having natural disasters if you arent gonna try and get a few votes from it hey Tony.

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Fings wot I am finkin’ on

Federal Opposition Leader Tony Abbott pledged today that he would spend the next twelve months thinking of things which he will then ask a whole bunch of other people to think about and then let him know if his thinking is worth thinking about.

“By talking to experts, both academic and practical, about how our policy ideas and political values might actually go, we ensure that if and when we do get to government, we have policies in place that are readily able to be implemented rather than ivory tower things or thought bubbles.” Mr. Abbott said.

Mr. Abbott said that his thinking list currently comprised thoughts on tax, welfare, health, education, national security, payments for stay-at-home thoughts mothers, pickles and other thoughts.

“By the time the next election comes around”, Mr. Abbott continued, “I’ll have all these thoughts out there, all these thoughts up at the Menzies Centre and in their thought tank, they have a big shed with a tank, it has pipes in it and valves and stuff, and then they’ll put their thoughts in the tank too, and from that, we’ll get our thoughts up and out there by the next election and that is why people will elect us, because of our thoughts.”

“I’m thinking about getting people off welfare and into work”, Mr Abbott added, “That’s a thought I got, get people off welfare, get them working, and dat’s a fine t’ought I t’ink, dat’s a t’ought I’m t’inking of putting into the t’ought t’ink while I’m tanking about it, aye, tat I am, I am indeed, tain’t no blarney ‘bout de t’ought I got on tat”.

When asked why he had suddenly lapsed into an Irish accent and attempted to throw Glenn Milne under some nearby shrubbery, Mr. Abbott said, “All me t’oughts are in de tank now, aye begorrah, and I an’t got a single t’ought left in me sorry head, dey’s all in de tank now wif de t’oughts of de Bobs an’ de Menzies”.

One reporter suggested that perhaps Mr. Abbott had just suffered a transient ischemic attack to which Mr. Abbott angrily shot back …

“It wasn’t an ischemic attack! It wasn’t a seizure. There was clearly something anterior to the larynx that looked like a laryngeal sack. That’s strictly simian! I obviously regressed! To some quasi-simian creature!.”

Fair enough.

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J’accuse!

In one of the most sustained and savaging critical attacks on the Government since the recent Federal election, Liberal Opposition leader Tony Abbott said yesterday that Julia Gillard’s gumment was shit and he don’t like it.

“They’re shit, and I don’t like them”, Mr. Abbott told Parliament during Question Time yesterday.

“They’re not stopping stuff, they’re not stopping enough stuff, you’ve got all this stuff going unstopped, and they’re not stopping it”, Mr. Abbott continued, “What’s the point in a gumment that doesn’t stop stuff, that’s what gumment’s are for, to stop stuff, and if we were the gumment, and we should’ve been the gumment, all this unstopped stuff that’s going on would’ve been stopped and stopped by us.”

Prime Minister Gillard rejected Mr. Abbott’s claims, stating, “If you’re looking for a government that’s going to stop stuff, we’re the government that’ll do it, and we’ve stopped so much stuff recently I couldn’t begin to shake a stick at the stuff we’ve stopped, and we’re going to continue to stop more stuff, because that’s precisely the stuff we’re stopping that the people want stopped. Mr. Abbott couldn’t stop a chicken from crossing the road.”

Mr. Abbott hit back at that claim by stating, “I wouldn’t start a chicken crossing the road Mr. Speaker, I wouldn’t even think of having a chicken cross the road unless I was absolutely, positively 100% sure that that chicken could get across the road without the need to stop halfway over, unlike the Labor Party, unlike the Labor Party, the government here who are shoving chickens across random roads at the drop of a willy-nilly hat without the slightest concern, Mr. Speaker, without the slightest concern at either the short or long term consequences of all these chickens, all these chickens, all these chickens, Mr. Speaker, all these chickens, chickens on our roads, Mr. Speaker, chickens on our roads.”

Ms. Gillard responded, “I absolutely, categorically reject the Opposition Leader’s baseless assertions about all these chickens, Mr. Speaker, chickens, Mr. Abbott is deliberately attempting to mislead this Parliament.”

And thus it continued in that vein for a time, a time that seemed to stretch for an infinite passage, a brook of babbling riches, and it weaved and it swayed and it wended its way down that cobbled path of joyous debate, it tootled its way down that merry little road, with a “Hey! Nonny-nonny!” and “Hi-di, Hi-di-ho!”, and at the end of the day, when they’ve lightened their loads, our parliamentary dwarves, off to their offices they go, singing, “Hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s off to work we go …”

And the next day?

They’ll come back. And they’ll do the same thing, all over again. Again and again and again and again and again and again.

And again.

Aren’t we lucky?

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HERP A DERP!

Tony Abbott decides not to go to Afghanistan because he needs his rest (allegedly):

Opposition Leader Tony Abbott says he did not take up Prime Minister Julia Gillard’s invitation to visit Australian troops in Afghanistan because he did not want to turn up “jetlagged” to the British Conservative Party conference.

While Ms Gillard spent the day after her secret diversion to Afghanistan in back-to-back meetings with 11 world leaders including French President Nicolas Sarkozy, German Chancellor Angela Merkel and Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao, Mr Abbott said he wanted to “make the most” of his chance to meet his Tory counterparts.

Politicians!! When will you learn! When you become opposition leader and you go on overseas trips ITS NOT FOR A CUP OF MILO!

Though I guess Iron man Tony didn’t want be all tired and grumpy when he met the big boys in the governments. He could go without sleep when it comes to being elected, but when it comes to doing important governing things he really does need his rest.

But the real “DERP” moment came from the SMH with this:

HA

HA

GEDDIT!? SPEEDOS!? ….


I do love the disclaimer though: “These polls are not scientific” ... No shit.

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I feel fine

That’s great, it starts with a Greenquake, tofu, no steaks, a bioplane -
Bob Brown is not afraid.  Katter says no way, it’s just not your day -
Katter serves his own needs, Gillard quakes at the knees. Knock it off Oakeshott,
all air, too hot. Windsor shits, he’s off the pot, Abbott sinks, he’s flopped,
she’s right! From doing it with fibre with a government for hire to an insulation
fire
in a combat site. BER, failure, going to the polls with Kevin Rudd
breathing down your neck. News Limited reporters baffled, stumped, buggered,
tossed. Look at that broadband! NBN. When? Uh oh, population overflow,
sustainable’s obtainable. Save yourself, stop the boats. Hatred serves its
own needs, hatred loves the ALP. Tell me about the rapture of the
Regional Infrastructureright. You shambolic, vitriolic, sham, left, deaf
dear, feeling pretty clear.

It’s the end of the world as we know it.
It’s the end of the world as we know it.
It’s the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.

Six o’clock – news hour. Gillard’s just been handed power. Weep and cry,
goodbye, Tony Abbott doesn’t lie. Love his budgies, bible study, pity that his
budget’s rubb’ry. Every issue escalate. Garrett should incinerate. Light a candle,
light a votive. Vote cast, no motive. Gillard’s heels crush, crush. Uh oh,
Brown’s here, Tone feels queer fear. Bum’s rush, steer clear! A tournament,
a tournament, a tournament of lies. Offer him solutions, offer him alternatives
and he’ll decline.

It’s the end of the world as we know it.
It’s the end of the world as we know it.
It’s the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.

And I feel fine.

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An Abbott government?

Suspiria

Lifeline Australia. 24 hour crisis support. 13 11 14
beyondblue. The national depression initiative.

Acme Firearms.

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Hahahahaha! .. Oh, you’re serious…

Treasury has found a $11 billion black hole in coalition costings:

Before the election the Coalition said its promises would add about $11.5 billion to the budget bottom line over the next four years.

But Treasury analysis given to Tony Windsor and his fellow independents Rob Oakeshott and Bob Katter shows the Coalition’s promises would only add between $860 million and $4.5 billion to the bottom line.

But the opposition stands by their costings:

Opposition finance spokesman Andrew Robb says he stands by coalition costings and says claims of a black hole relate to a difference of opinion over calculations.

“Out of 304 policies there was established at the end what I would say (was) a difference of opinion on a handful of projects,” he told ABC radio.

“It’s not an error of costings. There is a difference of opinion when you go through the projects that they had identified. We stand by our costings.”

An 11 billion dollar difference of opinion, seriously? You knew they were dodgy, that’s why you didn’t want to release them to treasury before the election. Then the parliament was hung and it all blew up in your face. You sneaky, dishonest, irresponsible swine.

How do you misplace $11 billion?

Cue a week of “treasury has a left wing bias”, “the public service has a left wing bias” and “maths has a left wing bias” in the media. Then ironically they will write a “the media has a left wing bias story” pointing to one opinion piece in The Age that will rightly tear the opposition a new one for this.

And through all of this, the ALP will fail to capitalise on this major fuck up. They just really don’t seem to be trying anymore.

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The Tony Abbott Horcruxes

As a website, Facebook is generally filled with fail. But every now and again, someone creates a group that fills me with such lolz that I feel compeled to share it.

Anyone familiar with Harry Potter would be familiar with the idea Horcruxes, the dark magical objects used by Voldemort to obtain immortality. Items that store part of your soul so that you can never die. To create a Horcrux you have to split your soul and the only way to split your soul it so commit murder. In the Harry Potter universe Voldemort creates 7 Horcruxes that must be destroyed before the dark lord can be killed.

Complete with some of the best photoshop I have ever seen

Complete with some of the best photoshop I have ever seen

Voldemort’s 7 Horcruxes were:

  • Tom Riddle’s Diary
  • Marvolo Gaunt’s Ring
  • Slytherin’s Locket
  • Helga Hufflepuff’s Cup
  • The Diadem of Rowena Ravenclaw
  • Harry Potter himself
  • Nagini the snake

It does lead you to wonder, if Tony Abbott had to pick seven items to place parts of his soul in, what would he pick?

So far I’m thinking the 7 items we would have to destroy before we could kill Abbott are:

  • The last copy of The Bulletin
  • His wedding ring
  • A set of rosary beads
  • His speedos
  • The pope’s hat
  • Malcolm Turnbull
  • His penis

That is where I will be beginning my search for the Tony Abbott Horcruxes. What about you?

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Polling day

AnSo, today is the day. It’s finally here, election day 2010.

Tony-Abbott-Ray-Strange copy

Really?

stevefielding_narrowweb__300x466,0

Stranger things have happened

And a special message for Queenslanders,

Take it from a Victorian

Take it from a Victorian

Don’t fuck this up, Australia.

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I am not a tech-head

About 14 years ago, my then employer replaced the dodgy old green screen terminals in the office with desktop pc’s running Windows, gave us all internet access and from there on in, the way I went about my work changed completely.

I am not a tech-head.

But it became immediately apparent to me back then that if I wished to remain relevant to the workforce for the remainder of my working life, what I would need to do was get across all this new-fangled technology and have a clue.

Which I did, and which I have.

But it does not appear to be apparent to the current leader of the federal opposition and many of his acolytes that if this country wishes to remain relevant to the ways of the world and how it will go about its business in the future, what it needs to do is stop thinking the future will be secured for an eternity if only we continue to invest all our high hopes in a small clutch of billionaire mining giants whose sole fucking talent is pulling rocks out of the fucking ground and selling them to fucking China who then make stuff and then fucking well sell it back to us.

We need to make some fucking stuff of our own.

For it appears to me that investing in technology for the future, things like research and development in the sciences and such, just might be a nifty way to go about proving that this country and its inhabitants are not an intellectually lazy but “lucky” bunch of instant shake ‘n’ bake fucktards whose greatest heroes are an old cunt who hit balls around a fucking paddock with a wooden paddle for a living and some dickhead who liked throwing himself on top of fucking reptiles and maybe, just maybe, we can aspire to be a little less average and ordinary than we really are.

It’s a big ask I know, as plans such as these involve things like … foresight, imagination, innovation, intelligence, the courage of …

Nah, fuck it.

I have two tin cans and some string.

And a bicycle.

She’ll be right.

As you were.

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