Posts Tagged The Age is turning into a fucking journalistic disgrace

Why Australian newspapers are shit

It’s 8:30pm in Sri Lanka and I’m sitting at the top of a mountain, in front of a fire, surfing the Internet on my netbook using the guesthouse’s free wifi. I know, it’s a rough life. But it’s 5pm in Cairo and right now over there in the Middle East’s most populous country is the beginning of what looks to be a historic popular uprising against the governing regime.

So, I’m sitting here on the Internet trying to keep up to date with what’s going on. Most of my information is coming via Twitter — first-, second- and third-hand accounts, and links to more credible reports by various publications — and I’m keeping a close eye on stuff like The Guardian‘s live blog and Al Jazeera English (when the guesthouse’s bandwidth allows). Even as far away from the action as central Sri Lanka might be, I feel quite informed about up-to-the-minute events.

Even though it’s 2am in Melbourne, I’m curious to know how the Australian newspaper websites are covering the story. I know it’s the middle of the night but surely skeleton web crews are at least updating their sites with links to give curious Australian readers a point of entry into the coverage, associating their masthead with news delivery. And surely a story of such global and historical importance would be given worthy prominence.

Oh, how stupid of me.

Here’s The Australian publishing an AP wire as its fourth headline, backed up by a piece by its Middle Eastern correspondent. You might care to have a read of them after you’ve browsed the latest riveting news about the Murray Darling rescue plan.

The Australian

Here’s The Age publishing a piece by its man on the ground, Jason Katsoukis, as its third headline. Once you’ve finished reading about the Australian soccer team and state politics, you might care to read some words written by Katsoukis before the protests begin: “Now it seems as though the unthinkable could be about to happen …”

The Age

And here’s the Sydney Morning Herald publishing absolutely nothing at all.

Sydney Morning Herald

This is (one of the reasons) why Australian newspapers are dying: because if it happens outside business hours, or at a time otherwise inconvenient to the deadlines of their printing presses, then as far as the newspapers are concerned their readers will just have to wait. That might’ve been okay in 1990 but in the age of the Internet it’s business suicide.

UPDATE: A tweet from Groupthink’s Cosmicjester:

@cosmicjester: abc 24 now playing a rerun of big ideas. Dont worry, its not like anything important is happening.

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Dumb, vain and confused

Sometimes I wonder if The Age is even bothering to hire journalists anymore.

Screen shot 2010-07-11 at 10.04.01 PM

It is hard to believe, isn’t it? Not that teenage boys are dumb, vain and confused. That is obviously a fact. (and they smell bad too). What is hard to believe is that The Age has published Alexandra Adornetto’s gushing 809 word-vomit about how Edward Cullen is better than the real boys.

For a start, Edward (unlike your typical pubescent male) is not a commitment-phobe. His devotion to Bella is impressive. He opens car doors for her, is always attentive to her needs and does not presume to take her out without first meeting her father.

Edward is a classic gentleman and a SNAG rolled into one. And he has no difficulty articulating his emotions. What’s more, Edward is never confused about his role – he is comfortable as protector and provider. He is impeccably groomed and never has to be lectured about hygiene. He exercises superhuman control in keeping his relationship with Bella chaste, though he does fly into uncontrollable rages whenever Bella’s safety is compromised. But then, some of us girls happen to like that.

I haven’t read Twilight, I don’t intend to read Twilight. I have not seen the movies, I will not see the movies.

But I can safely say that Edward Cullen is a douche. And not just a regular douche, but an undead, possessive, bloodsucking douche.

Edward Cullen is a charming gentleman in the same way Mel Gibson is a charming gentleman.

He is the kind of guy that would descend into a PSYCHOPATHIC JEALOUS RAGE over pretty much everything is NOT A FUCKING CLASSIC GENTLEMAN! He is an abusive, obsessive and controlling boyfriend with an ego roughly as large as the hole in The Age’s journalistic credibility.

Alexandra is as scathing of Teenage boys as she adoring of that sparkling douche-bag:

Apart from a small minority, teenage boys fall into three distinct categories: macho, metro or just plain muddled. The first type is the beer-swilling Neanderthal who is more concerned about how he is perceived by his mates than winning a girl’s affection. These boys think passing wind counts as humour and everything they say is punctuated with some sexual innuendo.

The second type is metro man, whose preoccupation with image is often more important than spending time with a girlfriend. These lads own skinny jeans and hair-straighteners and spend a lot of time shopping for accessories to complement their ”indie” outfits. Metro man is too aware of his effect on women and usually uses it to his advantage. Scratch the surface and you won’t find much substance.

The third type is generally decent, but gives out such conflicting messages that you need telepathic skills to work out what they’re about.

I don’t even know where to begin. I honestly don’t. What the fuck is wrong with her? Was she dropped on her head repeatedly as a child? Then later as a toddler? The struck from behind with a large, blunt heavy object object? Because if brain damage was an article it would be this one.

Miss Adornetto, you are dumb, vain and confused.

I’m just gonna write off your simplistic, ignorant and misguided understanding of teenage boys as a result of your obvious lack of contact with human males. That, and your brain damage.

I am no female. I am just a smelly, confused and vain teenage boy. But if I were a girl, I think I would take the sincerity, social awkwardness and good humour of a teenage boy over a narcissistic, blood sucking, sparkling, poofter creep like Edward Cullen.

I stand in solidarity with teenage boys everywhere. Because I think that the confused teenage boy has too much to put up with already without Alexandra Adornetto’s stupid bullshit.

Addendum: Upon completion of this post I threw Alexandra’s name into Google. It turns out she is a 17 year old girl who has written 4 more published books than I ever will. Upon learning of her age, I removed (some of) the nasty name calling. With the knowledge of her age it is clear she is just a dumb, confused and vain teenage girl who is much more misguided than she is stupid. References to her brain damage may have gone too far, but remain for rhetorical effect. But just because she is young and misguided, does not make her article any less jaw-droppingly stupid and The Age and less crap for publishing it.

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Little-known acts of parliament – Part I

  • Excise Tariff Amendment Act 1999 (frock up, drink and gamble to prove your patriotism)
    The work of State and Federal Government to promote responsibility and moderation in alcohol consumption and gambling, and to discourage excessive consumer spending will be temporarily suspended in the weeks leading up to and during a major horse racing carnival.
  • Aesthetic String Ensemble Act 1984
    It shall be mandatory for all female string players (violins, violas and cellos) in orchestras and string ensembles be attractive in an academic-but-hot manner. No less than 25 per cent of female string players shall be of Asian or Eurasian appearance.
  • Sporting Stadium Renovations Act 1978
    At least one major sporting arena that hosts Cricket Australia sanctioned international cricket matches during summer, must undertake major construction work during the cricket season to ensure crowd inconvenience, and unsightly images on the television coverage.
  • Foolish Driver Identification Act 1992
    It will be mandatory for all stupid drivers who speed, tailgate and are unable to stick in one lane during the morning and evening peak to wear baseball caps and/or fluorescent work wear to identify themselves to other drivers that they are indeed dim-witted cunts. The mandatory period for such attire shall extend to all times when the said drivers are in charge of the following motor vehicles – VL, VN and VP Holden Commodore, Subaru WRX, Nissan Skyline, Toyota Supra, any form of trade vehicle.
  • Automatic Teller Machine Intentional Delay Act 2001
    To stem the flow of money flowing from Automatic Teller Machines (ATMs) and to give people time to consider whether or not their intended transaction is necessary, a system shall be put in place whereby the person who is at the ATM first shall take an amount of time to complete their transaction that is beyond the possible time needed to conduct a transaction that the ATM is capable of.
  • Coffee Awareness Act 2004
    In an effort to stimulate Australia’s multi-million dollar coffee and café industries, and to increase productivity in the workplace by ensuring employees are alert through caffeine’s mild stimulant properties, all broadsheet newspapers will henceforth be required to publish stories about the location and availability of the best coffee/cafe in their readership area at least once a week.
  • Homosexuals and Hollywood Information Act (Amended) 2005
    Only homosexual males* are allowed to be Hollywood reporters on morning news and chat shows on Australian commercial television. This is to compensate for the lack of opportunities for homosexual males in television sports coverage (excluding diving, figure skating, synchronised swimming and Rugby League).

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Leaked Age memo

Although I have a severe case of shortsightedness, even I have noticed the decline in Melbourne’s quality broadsheet The Age over the last few years. I did some digging and discovered some shocking directives from management:

From: [Age board member]

To: Staff

Please make note of the following demands to ensure the quality of The Age is destroyed and I can retire to Tahiti with a harem of teenage girls:

1. Lattes

The latte count recently is spectacularly low. Over the past month there have only been 15 articles about where to find Melbourne’s best coffee and several of those articles mentioned cafes past Hawthorn. Are there even houses out there? Lift your game.

2. Melbourne vs. Sydney

Our research tells us most Melbournians don’t care about fake battles with Sydney. We will change this by having at least seven articles a week on the theme of “Melbourne vs. Sydney”. Remember, we’ve got football, coffee and Catherine Deveny. Sydney is full of convicts and bad writers. Which reminds me…

3. Catherine Deveny

More Catherine Deveny articles on suburbs she hates (i.e any suburb past Collingwood). People in the outer suburbs don’t read. They just buy The Age for the funny cartoons. To that end:

4. More Bristow

I love that little guy. So relevant and edgy!

5. Celebrity news

Why isn’t there more celebrity news on Theage.com.au? I’m tired of having to dig through this war/politics stuff to find out about Lindsay Lohan’s vagina’s twitter stream. We’re working on hiring Perez Hilton to replace Michelle Grattan but until then, just delete The New York Times from your bookmarks and start reading Who Weekly.

If these changes are made I am confident we can turn this ship around!

[Board member]

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