This week in Special Report:
On Saturday night, 15-year-old Aadam Yorkman from the small community of Tyler’s Inlet on the Gold Coast was killed instantly when the stolen car he was driving collided head-on with a semi-trailer.
We asked some members of the community to share their memories of Aadam …
“Memories?”, said a fellow school student, “We hated him. He was a loudmouth, he was a pig, a thug, a bully, just a waste of space. First time I met him, he told me he’d raped his six year old cousin the week before. He was a piece of shit, and everyone knew it. Good fucking riddance.”
“Aadam Yorkman?”, reflected the high school principal, “The budding Charles Manson of Tyler’s Inlet. The worst thing that ever happened to this school. There are words I could use to describe how I felt about him, but I’d probably get sacked.”
“Complete scum. The scum of the earth”, said a 15-year-old female student. “I threw a used tampon at him in Math one day. He thought it was a sign of affection and sent me a Valentine’s card covered in his spoof. Ewwww.”
“When we first heard he was dead”, said one of Yorkman’s teachers, “you should’ve heard the cheer. For a moment there, I almost forgot I was a teacher and thought of taking the whole class up to the local for beer.”
“It’s a pretty quiet and orderly little town, Tyler’s Inlet”, said a local police officer, “but every time the phone rang at the station, you’d bet a year’s wages it had something to do with Yorkman. I’d say he’s better off, and we most certainly are. Damn, I feel good today.”
“He was a big child for his age”, said Aadam’s mother, Alice Yorkman, “By the time he was ten, he’d already taken to beating me almost every day. No reason, either. He just liked making life hell for people. Last year, he broke the legs of my thirteen year old cat and poured petrol over her and set her on fire. Took after his father. Who’s in prison for life, thank God. I’m still relatively young. With both of them out of my life for good, I can start living one of my own. Finally.”
“I can’t think of anything nice to say about the boy’, said the local church pastor, “No. Can’t think of a single thing. Sorry about that.”
James and Ellie Weston, owners and publicans of the Tyler’s Inlet Hotel, said the community was planning to celebrate the death of Yorkman with a lamb-chop and sausage sizzle next weekend and free jugs of premium beer. “There’ll be soft drinks for the kids and a jumping castle, fairy floss, live music and meat raffles,” said Mr. Weston, “All the local businesses are having half-price sales too. Everyone’s welcome to join in the fun.”
Des Paine, the driver of the semi-trailer that Yorkman collided with, was surprised by the local reaction. “You hear about these things, these teenage deaths, you hear about how the community is usually shattered by them, by the tragic loss of a young life”, said Mr. Paine, “but I wasn’t prepared for this. I was horrified when the accident happened, but … well, hell, it looks like I’ve done these people a favour! It’s a nice place, this town. I might even move here. They want to commission a statue of me for the town square. Who would’ve thought?”
Aadam Yorkman will be buried at an unspecified location on an unspecified date. No one could be bothered putting an obituary in the local paper and nobody is expected to attend.
“We’re not even putting the bastard’s corpse in a box”, said the local funeral director, “Why waste perfectly good wood?”
Next week in Special Report: “The Teenage Obesity Epidemic. It’s a Total Crock of Shit.-