Groupthink

Posts Tagged nutrition

Trick or treat

May 30

Posted by Ross Sharp in Food, Health, Society | 2 Comments

I am watching a “report” on the news, not because of any specific interest in the “report”, but simply because the news is on and I am watching it and the news comprises “reports” on all manner of shit.

This “report” informs me that “healthy choice” food options in fast food chains are moving slower than a eunuch’s dick in a whorehouse and that this is a shame.

And I am moved to wonder.

I feel that my mind is slowly being clusterfucked into a piss-streaked gloopy puddle of dead, gelatinous jism by a persistently noisy gaggle of gibbering dickheads, all of whom regularly feel that their mere existence in this world upon which I stagger entitles them to poke their fingers into the slowly diminishing spongy spillage that is my brain and waggle them about some before scooping it up in a tissue and flushing it into the sea.

I imagine this scenario …

“Dad! Dad!”, shouts the excitable little boy in the ever-so-gorgeous Superman costume, “Can we go to McDonalds for dinner tonight?!”

“Why, of course we can, son!”, replies Dad, all Brylcreem and respectable gray slacks belted at the nipples, he’s Fred MacMurray on steroids, he has a maid who cooks and cleans every day, she has folksy homilies on tap, you wouldn’t fuck her with a bag over your head via remote control even if you could.

“But only as a special treat, you mind! This is not a regular thing!”, says Dad, hitching his pants up to his neck and pulling the belt tight as it will go, a little spontaneous auto-erotic asphyxiation while junior’s washing his hands and poking about his earholes with a fluffy stick before a nice meal out never hurt anyone, whoopsy-daisy, there she blows!.

And then they arrive, and our excitable tyke rushes up to the counter and gazes longingly at the vast array of tempting comestibles on offer, all oozing, juicy meats and cheeses and buns and salt and sugar and stuff that bears no known relationship to any existing foodstuff but it’s served in fucking buckets TEN FEET HIGH! and our adorably innocent little boy-scout supreme looks back at his Dad who’s now wandered up to the counter and joined him.

“Take your pick, son!”, says Dad, gazing adorably at the pride of his now empty old gray testicles.

And our cute as a button little fella, why you could almost take him home with you and chain him to a chair in a locked room that’s covered all over with dinosaur wallpaper and throw bloody big boxes of Lego at him until he cracks and agrees to be your son and help you hand out pamphlets at the abortion clinic for the rest of his life, he looks up at Dad, a little tentative, a little anxious, and then he blurts out the one true desire of his sweet young heart on this oh-so-special of nights …

“CAN I HAVE THE APPLE IN A BAG?!?!?”

“Why, of course you can, son!”, says our Father of the Year, “But only as a special treat, you mind! This is not a regular thing!”.

And a fine night was had by all.

Listen …

A person wants a fucking apple, they go to a fucking grocer.

Let’s all try living in the world, yes?

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Seeing Double

Mar 31

Posted by Ross Sharp in Health, Media, Society | 3 Comments

Sometime last year I clocked a news item somewhere about a brand new type of instant foodstuff that had been introduced to the dear hearts and gentle people of the good ol’ U.S. of A.

This foodstuff was gifted to a grateful populace by the hard-workin’ and no doubt God-fearin’ folk of the K.F. of C, a fowl cookin’ establishment that was founded by a kindly old white-haired Colonel many years ago which went on to find fame and fortune throughout the entire world on account of a secret cookin’ recipe that involved a bunch of fancy spices and herbs and stuff, and this new foodstuff was called a “Double Down”.

This new foodstuff has now been introduced to the peckish populace that is Australia, all of whom are currently hotfootin’ their way to the nearest K.F. of C. to partake of its pickin’s.

It is known here as a “Double” and comprises two chicken fillets that have been dipped in some shit and deep fried and then used to sandwich a few strips of bacon and some cheese and an ejaculation of sauce.

It’s served in a cardboard holder, so you can keep your fingers from gettin’ greasy so as to keep your shirt and pants clean.

Now, I’d no sooner eat one of these unappetising looking things than I’d chew on my left testicle, but Lord Almighty, the arrival of this breadless assemblage of fowl, pig and cheddar has certainly upset some folk.

Why, you make a meal out of just one of these things it seems, your arteries will go harder than a porn star’s favourite tool of trade after forty tabs of Viagra, your heart will clog up like a sub-continental hostel toilet, and great big glistening globules of undigested fat will coagulate into an oily, rancid mass of greasy evil that will slowly ooze its way through your intestine into your bowel and make your farts smell like dead people and the next time you shit, your buttocks will be propelled from the seat with such a  force that you’ll hit your head on the bathroom ceiling, crack your skull and fall to the floor dead, and the sewers of a city will be stuffed for months ever after.

Bugger your wars, your droughts, your famines, floods, your natural and unnatural disasters, your man-made horrors, rape, pillage, bugger all that.

Because it’s two slabs of fried chicken will kill us all.

You have been warned.

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Jack off

Nov 25

Posted by Ross Sharp in Health, Society | No Comments

In what has been described by experts as “reckless, irresponsible, highly disappointing, ridiculous and shocking”, a potentially fatal toxin was recently released to the Australian public and may have been unwittingly consumed by possibly tens of thousands of hapless victims.

It is understood that consumption of this toxin can lead to any or all of the following symptoms -

Chronic high blood pressure, heart attack, kidney failure, stroke, obesity, asthma, serious heart disease.

Leading Australian toxicologists have urged the public not to panic in the wake of the poison’s emergence but are advising caution be exercised in areas where the toxin has been located so far and is most likely to present itself, i.e. food halls and shopping malls.

Bruce Neal, acting Commander of The Sydney World Action on Bio-Genetic and Bio-Terrorist Terminal Toxins Unit demanded the Federal Government take immediate action to eliminate this threat to the health of the nation’s populace by taking such drastic measures as “restricting the ability of people to move freely in or through areas where the toxin is known to exist. We have had reports of people who have consciously chosen to consume this poisonous substance, of their own free will, and we call on the Prime Minister as a matter of utmost urgency to take whatever action may be needed to put a halt to this behaviour immediately and to stop any further spread of this deadly material throughout the wider community. If the military need be bought in, so be it.”

Tony Thirlwell, chief executive of the Poking Our Fingers In Your Chest And Wagging Them In Your Face And Nagging You Till You Die Foundation added that “we run the risk here of cultivating a culture of death if we continue to allow this type of thing to happen. I call on the Prime Minister and the Federal Government to launch an immediate Senate inquiry into how this situation has been allowed to arise.”

Family First Senator Steve Fielding told a media pack last night that he had consumed the substance in question during play lunch the day before, but that it would not prevent him from carrying out his day-to-day parliamentary duties. When asked what effect the poison had had on him, Senator Fielding replied “My pants hurt and I blew a hole in my favourite Snoopy doona”.

Pastor Danny Nahlia of Catch The Fire Ministries also said a few things, none of which made the slightest bit of sense, and a large number of people simply wondered why all these other people couldn’t simply shut the fuck up and mind their own fucking business for once in their miserable fucking lives and stop making out that some shitty bloody hamburger is going bring down civilisation as we know it.

Pass the chips.

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