I’ve waged a fairly dogged war against horse racing (NSFWS: not safe for weak stomachs) over the years. I hate it and I’m incapable of calling it a ‘sport’. It’s a corrupt, antiquated, gimmick which  reaches a crescendo every year with the Spring Carnival and of course, Tuesday’s Race 7 at Flemington. As you can imagine, this is a difficult time of year for me.

So this year I won’t speak about my disappointment that PETA doesn’t protest the Spring Racing Carnival; that fixed horse racing continues unchecked or that Your ABC is totally flogging the race for all it’s worth.

Instead, I’m going to make an observation about what happens on the other side of the track. And that is, the giddy feeling our nation gets all worked up about on race day.

Having watched people get dressed up, wearing ill-fitting suits and unspeakable hats. Having observed people passed out or projectile vomiting in the mid-afternoon sun. Having heard on countless occasions people bemoan their sudden loss of dough, I’ve realized that the Melbourne Cup experience is nothing but a school formal for grownups.

It first becomes obvious on the Tuesday morning. The crowds self-consciously adjusting their clothing, like an astronaut trying on their space suit for the first time.  You look like a clown and no amount of floral appendage or hair product is going to change that.

Then there’s the charity element. The over the top production with soulless event coordinators and PR flacks, spruiking their token charity…doing something for a ‘good cause’ when the reality is, we’ll direct millions of dollars to the TAB.

And worst of all is the elitism of this whole façade. The ‘sport of kings’ includes a bird cage, the Emirates tent and the Flemington car park. This is not dissimilar to the forgettable school formals of our youth, the cool kids in one section and the riff-raff elsewhere.

So when you head off to your Melbourne Cup social function with some B-grade celebrity host or spend money you don’t have on something fruitless and unsatisfying; just reflect for a moment on the fact that the Melbourne Cup is a regression. That it is neither remarkable nor rewarding. It’s time Australia grew up and finally left school. And if you need another reason to undestand why the race at 3pm should be unwatchable, check out the short informative video on the site here.

And if that’s still not enough, we all agree that as a nation we have to prevent this.

Tags: celebrity news, horse racing, Melbourne Cup