The Google™ Clock buzzed. Damien opened his eyes, frustrated to be awoken from his recurring dreams of threesomes in Parisian bathtubs.

“Good morning Damien!” intoned his Google™ brand coffee machine.

“Latte!” he barked, for he cared not for the feelings of this emotionless consumer item. The machine whirred into action.

“Emails!” he shouted.

“You have (4) new emails!” buzzed the coffee machine. Damien switched on the monitor of his Google™ computer and logged into his GMail account. Three emails were from supermodels desperate to make use of his enormous genitals. He groaned and marked them as “spam”. The fourth email was far more interesting – would be interested in a Google™ credit card?

Why, indeed he would.

Twenty minutes later new credit card arrived, courtesy of Google™ post. How thoughtful of Prime Minister Tuckey to remove the stranglehold of Australia Post he ruminated. With interest of 6.5% for the first year (453% interest p.a thereafter), this deal was unbeatable. The cavalcade of thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of his Google™ Phone.

“Damien!” Alicia shrilled into the earpiece “Have you taken your Google™ Viagra yet?”

“Curse you woman, for you are insatiable” he boomed into the receiver “I only just woke up.”

Damien didn’t even wait for a response before slamming his Google™ Phone down. He sighed, before slipping into his Google™ dressing gown and settling down to work. Since signing up for the online Google™ Drive, Damien had no reason to go to the office anymore. Allowing Google™ to sift through the contents of his hard-drive in order to target his advertising more effectively was a small price to pay for avoiding a fifteen minute commute in his chauffeured Google™ Car. Sipping on his Google™ latte he pondered on the existence of the Googleverse™ (formerly “Universe”) and everything that it contained, before springing to his feet with barely controlled glee.

“I can’t believe I just worked out the meaning of life!” he shouted. This was it. Now he would finally be featured in the Sunday Life lift-out – the culmination of a life well spent.

A knock on the door interrupted his jig. Damien answered it, only to find two Google™ Law Enforcement Agents – a most unwelcome surprise. His brow furrowed in annoyance.

“How may I help you officer?” he asked, an air of indifference masking his inner frustration.

“We were legally sifting through the contents of your Google™ Drive when we came across some…. forbidden material.” The agent elongated the last words more than Damien felt was necessary. “As a consequence we’d like to have a brief friendly chat down at the Google™ Re-Education Centre.”

Damien gulped.

“I’m afraid I’m busy” he said, his meek voice belying his muscular frame and hulking presence. Damien turned just as the agent cleared his throat.

“Perhaps you misunderstood” was all that was said before Damien was promptly tasered in the rear.

When he came to he was strapped to the outside of a Google™ Rocket aimed directly at the Sun.

“You’ll never get away with this!” he roared to no-one “One day people will learn of the folly of putting all their trust behind a search engine! Who could have foreseen Google going mad with power and taking over the planet? WHO?”

“Launch sequence initiated, in 5, 4, 3, 2….”

“THE PEOPLE WILL NEVER STAND FOR THIS!” he shouted above the roar of rocket engines. This seemed an expensive way to dispose of an Enemy Of The State.

As the rocket launched Damien squeezed his eyes shut, and in the last moments before plunging into the nuclear furnace he fervently wished he’d voted for Apple instead. At least he might have gotten an iPhone.

Tags: Apple, Google, the future