Well, she has issued a warning to Queensland,

Senate candidate Wendy Francis has warned Queenslanders that Australia would be worse off without a Family First senator. She said if the Greens obtained the balance of power in their own right the floodgates of immorality would open and Australia would spiral out of control.

That sound’s pretty dire, Wendy. Please go on.

“Because the Greens have such strong support from people who are not parents they have little understanding of issues that parents and families face.”

Um… so that logic is more than a little flawed, but I’m sure you are getting to your point.

Francis said despite the outward appearance of a credible party, the Greens will try and force their anti-Christian, pro-drug, anti-life agenda onto unsuspecting Australians. “The Greens are not mainstream and will have more influence if Labor gets in. The result will be the destruction of marriage as we know it, the silencing of the mainstream Judeo-Christian message and the loss of Australian values.”

Oh noes!!1! Not marriage, you can’t destroy marriage. How do we stop this devastation?

Family First is the voice of mainstream Australia according to Francis. “I believe it is more important than ever for a moderate voice like Family First to be in the senate and maintain the nation’s integrity. If we are not represented I hold grave fears for our future,” she said.

If her view of immorality is equal rights for gays, equal rights for all religions, harm minimization for drug users and rights for women. I say open the floodgates, it’s time to go swimming.

Now, stop teasing him.

“I know,” I replied. “There’s Milo everywhere and Susan’s furious with me.”

“No, there’s a spill on for the Labor leadership!” Nick said. “I’ve been making some phone calls and I reckon you’ve got the numbers to have a crack.”

“Really?” I asked.

“Really.”

I was gobsmacked. How far a simple boy from Resevoir had come; from engineer to accountant to Prime Minister of Australia. It was the proudest moment of my life and I was determined not to let the chance slip away.

“What should I do?” I asked Xzennophone.

“Leave the campaigning to me,” he said. “You just worry about the vote tomorrow. Make sure you’re there shaking hands and networking. Wear something striking.”

“Okay,” I said. “Where’s the vote?”

So on Thursday morning I arrived bright and early at Templestowe Primary School, ready to greet MPs on their way to the ballot box. I wandered around for ages but I couldn’t see any voting booths, sausage sizzles or anything. I couldn’t even see any adults, although they had to be somewhere because there were kids everywhere. Eventually, a man came up to me and said that if I didn’t get out of the school immediately he’d call the police. I asked if he was a Labor MP and offered him my hand. “Steve Fielding,” I introduced myself. “Next Prime Minister of Australia.”

“I’m the principal,” he growled. “And you’re trespassing on my property so get out.”

Deflated, I turned for the main gate. “Oi!” shouted the principal as I walked away. “Is that supposed to be a bottle?”

In the end, the vote didn’t go my way and we now have our first female Prime Minister in Julie Gillard which is certainly historic but is bound to cause problems and is unlikely to be sustainable. I mean, she’ll inevitably have to look after her kids when they’re sick or ferry them back and forth to choir practise — the role of Prime Minister is a busy one, kids get hungry, and dinner doesn’t just cook itself. Plus, she’s an athi athee not God believer which points to an underdeveloped intellect. I mean, Julie, do you seriously think the earth just built itself hundreds of thousands of years ago? Did the pyramids and Ayers Rock and the Statue of Liberty just materialise out of thin air? And you claim to have the capabacity to lead this country.

So anyway, given that Julie will quickly be seen by the electorate as too silly to lead it, I’ve still got a shot at becoming Australia’s first family Prime Minister. To this ends I’ve signed a 12-point contract with Austria’s voters, building on and improving the contract points signed by opposite leader Tony Abbott. My full contract, with detail, will be released soon, but in the meantime here are the highlights:

Point one: Restore the budget to surplus within one year and clear all debt. This is two years faster than Tony or Julie and will be achieved through the printing of more money — a measure so simple it beggars belief that the others haven’t thought of it first.

Point two: Restore cabinet government. I promise to consult widely with Susan on all matters of policy.

Point three: Reject the Great Big New Tax on Mining. In fact, all taxes will be abolished in favour of a flat, egalitarian tax. Probably about two per cent.

Point five: Enforce our borders. Boat seekers will be sent the back of the queue and there will be no more free Apple Macs.

Point seven: Take direct action on water and the environment. I support both, and will implement simple, practical measure such as, “If it’s yellow let it mellow, if it’s brown flush it down.”

Point nine: Help stay-at-home mums with unlimited paid parental leave at twice the minimum wage. Prostitutes and prisoners need not apply.

My contract with the people is the gospel truth and I invited the media to come and watch me sign it so that everyone could be confident that I was serious. But nobody showed up which is probably lucky because my crayon was a bit blunt and my signature looked a bit like a drawing of a yellow river.

Until next time.

Some of my favorite, unedited, forum posts from just five minuts of skimming:

amicus curiae:

I am rather amazed that so many “climate co2 believers” are NOT in the slightest aware of exactly what! the Copenhagen documents will entail for us Aussies. Green dreams and daft schemes.
It really is a FRAUD and Deception of the highest order, it makes the Faked data and lies and blocking of real science pale into insignificance in its sheer enormity in the subterfuge used to HIDE the Agenda of the EU..UN B*st*rdry.
for those who are not willing to read it, there is a film clip available via You tube, by Lord Monckton, a 5 part series , Pay attention as he tells what they did to HIDE the real agenda and details..

War Criminal

How long till we’re all required to have our medicare number tattooed on our foreheads?

But my favourite is Maurice:

Senator Feildind
I have been a swinging voter all of my voting life. I have, I suspect like most Australians, grown tired of the waste of tax payers funds and the way the two major parties behave. Whilst I appreciate the fundimentals of the Westminster system and the fantastic democratic society that we live in, I am looking for a genuine change in the people who would lead our nation. Your party appears to be one that has actually left the “primary school yard” and can communicate with the general population on equal terms. Do you have party members in my electorate who I could cast my vote to in the eventual, forthcoming federal election. I too am one who served my nation for 28 years in the ADF and I find myself of late, looking at the current and alternate government and asking myself at times why?

Internet, please don’t ever change.

But me, I’m my own greatest asset for my campaign.

You see, unlike Rudd who you can’t trust whether scripted or unscripted, and Abbott who you can’t trust unless it’s scripted, I can be trusted at all times whether I’m speaking off my cuff or off a script that Susan’s written for me. I speak from the heart and the ability to lie is not even in my DMA. Politics is about representing people and honouring the trust they’ve put in you to represent them, and every single Victorian who voted for me trusts me not to lie.

Unless a lie is necessary and honourable, which sometimes it is. So I’ll lie when it’s necessary.

You see, my father always told me to tell the truth unless by telling a lie you can do a greater good or tell a greater truth. So, for example, when I went on my self-funded trip to the USA to investigate all of the both sides of the climate change story and only really investigated one of the both sides of the climate change story, I told everyone that I had investigated all of the them because it was really important that the results of my investigation were taken seriously. I told a little lie but it was for a greater truth.

And when I backflipped on my support for the alcopops tax I told everyone it was because I had decided it was no longer a good policy, when actually I changed my mind because I wanted everyone to keep paying attention to me. This was a justifiable lie because the greater good was my continued presence in the Australian Parliament to offset the self-interested major Parties.

Even the word “family” in my Party’s title is okay because our members’ religion’s ideals align perfectly with the ideals held true by their families. And an R-word doesn’t alliterate as nicely with “First” as an F-word.

With Steve Fielding, you know that you can always trust what I say as the truth, and even if it’s not the truth it’s a lie that’s better than the truth. With Steve Fielding, you know that you don’t have to check to see if I’m reading a script to know if I’m worth listening to. With Steve Fielding, you know that I always put my cards on the table, show my hands, and bargain in good faith.

And that’s the Gospel Truth.

Until next time.

But my point is that never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would be an accountant when I grew up. Not many people know that I was an accountant before I was in control of the Senate; humble beginnings, I can hear you say, but from little things big things grow. As an accountant I probably have a much more intimate knowledge of economic and taxation matters than most ordinary Australians, and I often have to step in at dinner parties and in meetings with colleagues to pour some hard facts on uniformed speculation. Like this one time, Barnaby suggested that we should just print more money to pay off debt and I gently scolded him, pointing out that the cost of the extra plastic and ink would completely wipe out any benefit gained.

One of the things that happened while I was a working accountant was the introduction of the GST. The GST, for those of you who don’t quite understand, is a tax on goods and services. Services, for those of you who don’t quite understand, are the sorts of things delivered by state governments — health, policing, garbage collection etc. Every time you buy a good (except for birthday cakes which are exempt) or use a service, you pay $10 to the federal government. This money is then deposited into the state governments’ bank accounts to pay for more services like public libraries.

Complicated, I know, but try to stay with me.

This week the country Prime Minister has been talking to the state Prime Ministers at their COGA meeting about changing the way the GST money is shared around and spent on hospitals. Now, nobody doubts that the nation’s hospital system is getting worse, and everybody knows that the finger-pointing and blame game games are mostly to blame for this terrible state of affairs, but healthcare is far too important to be used a political football and there are many, many both sides to the story to be considered. That’s why I’m angry and disappointed that instead of just fixing hospitals the Prime Ministers are squabbling over who gets what GST money and who gets to spend it. Enough is enough.

There is heaps and heaps of GST money. Consider that each year I probably consume about 50 loaves of bread, 12 jars of Vegemite, 15 tins of Milo, 100 litres of milk, and 200 Chicken Heroes (and those are just the staples of my diet); plus I might use a hospital once or twice, get my garbage collected every week, and usually get questioned by the police once every couple of months; and I pay $10 each and every one of those times. Just on my own I reckon I pay easily over $100 in GST and I’m only one of 21 million Australians! Clearly, there is enough GST revenue to fix the hospitals once and for all.

So, the other day all-but-one of the PMs came to an agreement about changing the carve-up of the GST, with Western Australia’s Colonel Barnett holding out. Because it wasn’t a yoonani yunany younanny all of them agreeing on it at the same time agreement the changes will have to go to Parliament, and as the holder of the balance of power in Canberra I will be required to make a decision that will have serious repercussions for all Australians. And to think that once upon a time I was just a simple accountant!

But with great power comes great responsibility, and I take my responsibilities extremely seriously. Unfortunately, details of the changes agreed upon are sketchy at best, and I am still quite vague as to the exact proposal I will be balancing power on. I have spent all week trying to gain access to the CAOG negotiations, mindful of my need to be totally across this issue, but I have been foiled at every turn. I have inundated the offices of Kevin Rudd, Joan Brumby and Kerri-Ann Keneally with faxes and emails asking for them to let me into the circle of talks, but nothing. A cynic might suggest that these people, charged as they are with great responsibility by the people of Australia, aren’t taking their responsibilities seriously. How am I supposed to vote on something I know nothing about?

I am a humble man and I have been honoured by the voters of Victoria with a great burden. Even though I was a bit upset about missing out on the dinner party at Kirribilli Lodge during CLAG (I even faxed the Lodge chef my food preferences: no middle brown food but light brown and dark brown is okay) this is not about me. I intend on discharging my duties diligently in this healthcare GST matter and I will do my best to get across the issue despite the obstructionist tactics of the Prime Ministers. Further, I will ensure that I do not make my decision until all media outlets are carefully paying attention to me so that I can clearly communicate my reasoning to the electorate. My people of Australia deserve no less.

Until next time.

Been getting lots of support from ppl in the street in Sale for sending boat people to the back of the queue.

Personally, I’m not sure that seeking asylum by boat is a back-of-the-queueing offence; I think people should be sent to the back of the queue when they take too long to get their money out of their purses, or when they take ages making up their minds what to buy, or when they just want to have a chat to the cashier.

But that’s just me. What in your opinion justifies sending to the back of the queue?

* H/T: Jason

No longer.

“Every time we accept a refugee into our country by boat, another refugee waiting patiently in a camp somewhere is forced to wait even longer,” [said Fielding]

“There are thousands of refugees patiently waiting in line in camps across the world trying to gain asylum but boat people just push them further down the queue.

“There is no way I think we should be rewarding people for jumping the queue and penalising those who are waiting inline (sic).”

Under Family First’s proposal queue jumpers, genuine refugees or not, would be sent to the back of the queue at various refugee camps around the world.

So, Steve Fielding seems to be seriously proposing that asylum seekers arriving by boat should be sent to refugee camps in “various” places around the world. Seriously. The man is a fucking foreign policy genius.

Hold your heads high, 56,376 Victorian voters.

I hate Senate holidays on their own as it is, but I hate them even more when they coincide with school holidays because my kids are home with me. Two days ago my son snuck up quietly behind me while I was looking in the fridge for the devon and shouted out, “BOAT SEEKERS!” I jumped literally out of my skin and did a little bit of wee in my pants. It took my son about four minutes to get the footage out of his mobile phone and onto YouTube, and I was on the phone to Conroy reaffirming my commitment to the web filter that very evening.

Last night the whole family was sitting around watching TV (the kids and I get to stay up until 9:30pm during holidays) when that new Victorian road safety ad came on. “Don’t be a dickhead,” boomed the voiceover and my son turned around and said, “yeah, Dad.” We were all a bit shocked; Susan bit her bottom lip really hard but had to wipe up a fleck of snot that came flying out of her nose. I’m really sick and tired of these kids — they have no respect at all for their elders — so in response to my son’s attitude I tried out a line I’ve heard all the teenagers using lately. “Your mum’s a dickhead,” I told my son, and 40 seconds later I was in my bedroom without dessert and grounded for a month. I hate it how Susan always takes our kids’ side.

This morning, still furious about last night’s events, I decided to use my special powers for good and release a press release about the road safety ads. There are too many swears in today’s society and politicians shouldn’t be encouraging our kids to use more swears. We’re just a slippery slope away from perhaps the S-word and even the F-word being used in government campaigns, and from there it’s just another slip before it’s the C-word or even the J-word. Once upon a time there were no swears in society and society was a better place for it. A dirty mouth is a sign of a dirty mind, my Dad always told me, and society’s mind is getting dirtier and dirtier every day. I was elected on a clearly articulated platform of stopping the rot and upholding decent family values and that’s exactly what I will do once I make as many people as possible pay attention to me.

I called up Xzennophone to make sure that he wasn’t going to steal my thunder because he often trumps my press releases with his own press releases; Xzennophone tends to write my thoughts, but so much thinkier than I think. I asked him if he’d seen the road safety ad with the swears in it and he said he hadn’t, although he had just seen a great YouTube video of an Australian Senator dropping a jar of mayonnaise on the floor and screaming “Jesus fuck!” at the top of his voice. I hung up the phone and got back in touch with Conroy proposing an outright ban on YouTube at the very least, and ideally on the entire Internet.

Since I’m grounded I’ve got nothing to look forward to until Senate goes back except for Easter which is awesome for the chocolate bit but a bit of a drag because of the church bit. Why can’t we just celebrate the miracle of the holy rabbit laying the chocolate egg in the cave where Jesus was sleeping by eating instead of praying? Sometimes this church and religion thing can just get a bit much. Last Sunday my pastor gave me a reading to do at home and wants me to have a chat about it with him next week. I’ve read the passage about a hundred times but it still doesn’t make much sense. I think I’ll just tell the pastor that it’s about God and Jesus and sin and miracles and swearing and stuff, and then throw a media stunt to distract his attention.

Until next time.