• Excise Tariff Amendment Act 1999 (frock up, drink and gamble to prove your patriotism)
  The work of State and Federal Government to promote responsibility and moderation in alcohol consumption and gambling, and to discourage excessive consumer spending will be temporarily suspended in the weeks leading up to and during a major horse racing carnival.
• Aesthetic String Ensemble Act 1984
  It shall be mandatory for all female string players (violins, violas and cellos) in orchestras and string ensembles be attractive in an academic-but-hot manner. No less than 25 per cent of female string players shall be of Asian or Eurasian appearance.
• Sporting Stadium Renovations Act 1978
  At least one major sporting arena that hosts Cricket Australia sanctioned international cricket matches during summer, must undertake major construction work during the cricket season to ensure crowd inconvenience, and unsightly images on the television coverage.
• Foolish Driver Identification Act 1992
  It will be mandatory for all stupid drivers who speed, tailgate and are unable to stick in one lane during the morning and evening peak to wear baseball caps and/or fluorescent work wear to identify themselves to other drivers that they are indeed dim-witted cunts. The mandatory period for such attire shall extend to all times when the said drivers are in charge of the following motor vehicles – VL, VN and VP Holden Commodore, Subaru WRX, Nissan Skyline, Toyota Supra, any form of trade vehicle.
• Automatic Teller Machine Intentional Delay Act 2001
  To stem the flow of money flowing from Automatic Teller Machines (ATMs) and to give people time to consider whether or not their intended transaction is necessary, a system shall be put in place whereby the person who is at the ATM first shall take an amount of time to complete their transaction that is beyond the possible time needed to conduct a transaction that the ATM is capable of.
• Coffee Awareness Act 2004
  In an effort to stimulate Australia’s multi-million dollar coffee and café industries, and to increase productivity in the workplace by ensuring employees are alert through caffeine’s mild stimulant properties, all broadsheet newspapers will henceforth be required to publish stories about the location and availability of the best coffee/cafe in their readership area at least once a week.
• Homosexuals and Hollywood Information Act (Amended) 2005
  Only homosexual males* are allowed to be Hollywood reporters on morning news and chat shows on Australian commercial television. This is to compensate for the lack of opportunities for homosexual males in television sports coverage (excluding diving, figure skating, synchronised swimming and Rugby League).

Tags: ATMs, celebrity news, coffee, driving, horse racing, stadiums, string ensembles, The Age is turning into a fucking journalistic disgrace