Seven survivors of the Christmas Island boat tragedy will travel to Sydney today to bury family members. Among them, Madian El Ibrahimy will bury his eight-month-old daughter, Zahra and Hussein al-Husaini will lay to rest his three-month-old son Sam.

Both men’s wives drowned, or are missing.

The opposition immigration spokesman, Scott Morrison, yesterday attacked the government for flying 21 detainees from Christmas Island to attend the Muslim and Christian funerals at Rookwood and Rouse Hill for victims of December’s horrific boat crash.

Family members of 12 of the victims live in Sydney and requested they be buried here.

But Mr Morrison said transferring detainees to Sydney raised security issues and showed the government ”doesn’t understand the value of the taxpayer’s money”.

Mr Morrison told radio 2GB: ”If people wanted to attend the funeral service from Sydney, for example, who may have been relatives of those who wanted these funeral services, well, they could have held the service on Christmas Island and like any other Australian who would have wanted to go to the funeral of someone close to them, they would have paid for themselves to get on a plane and go there.”

Scott Morrison, a crusted cum stain on the fabric of the universe, this bloated, block-headed bucket of thrush from out the communal washbasin of a heizel, a kuppe drek, this plyoot karger, this farkakte proster chamoole, it k’vitsh’s “Tzufil!!”, “Too much!! Too costly!!”, the money we spend to bury the children of these “niggers” from across the sea, these invaders, these illegals, their foreign ways they bring to these pristine white shores where pristine white people go about their pristine white ways, and now we, the “taxpayer”, we pay our shekels to bury their rotting dead?

“Gai feifen ahfen yam!” it whines, such a yatebedam it thinks it is, such a man, counting our pennies for us, counting, counting, counting, bed bugs I have seen with more character than this yukel, this shtunk, this fat-faced tamaveter with its crooked beaver teeth, its dead man’s eyes, a feier zol im trefen!! … Such a grober is this boy, this shtik drek, his words are like the loose bowel movements of crazy old grandmothers that carry on the breezes that brush over a field of unburied corpses.

Kish mir en toches, groisser potz!! Me ken brechen!!

…

Feh, fuck him, his testicles are sultanas, his penis is a noodle.

Scott Morrision, zolst zein vi a lomp-am tug sollst di hangen, in der nacht sollst di brennen!!

Gai trenz ich, Morrison, gai trenz ich!!!

…

…

Farshtaist?

Xzennophone told me that he’d love to play but was too busy researching the asylum seeker issue because it was going to be a big one this year. I asked him what asylum seekers were and after he told me I was overcome with sympathy for the poor sods. But after Nick suggested a coalition with the Greens who hold a similar position to us I instantly decided that I was anti-asylum seekers, or anti-immigration, or anti-whatever it is the Greens are for. The Greens can pass around the friendship bong with whoever they want but I’m going to maintain the intensity of Australia’s borders.

With my thinking on the matter clear I decided that I too would do some research on the issue, but better research than reading reports, statistics and other one-sided information like Xzennophone was. The only way to see all of the both sides of the story is to go to the source of the story and see it for yourself, so I asked Nick where these “asylum seekers” (I do the inverted commas thing around my head every time I say it now) come from, and he told me it was places like Sri Lanka and the Middle East. I then went to talk to Susan and said that my zone one and two Metcard would definitely be okay for the Middle East given that we live in the middle of the eastern suburbs, but is Sri Lanka outside the city and would I need a V-line ticket? Susan suggested instead that I go to Christmas Island which is where the “asylum seekers” go to be processed after arriving in Australia.

Because I’m a doing kind of guy instead of a talking kind of guy, within 24 hours I had booked my flight, packed my warmest clothes to ward off the North Pole chill, and had instructed my office to send out a media release. Two days later I had landed at Christmas Island and, arriving at the detention centre, I introduced myself to the boss who looked me up and down and asked who I really was. I told him that I was really Senator Steve Fielding, accountant and engineer, and my office had been in touch. He humbly apologised and said he expected a politician to be wearing something a little more official than a woollen jumper, tracksuit pants, and ugg boots.

I was then taken on a tour of the facility and what I saw shocked me. There are rooms with beds, clean sheets and fluffy towels; there are relaxation areas with chairs, tables and televisions; and there are books, newspapers and board games. I mean, Australia is supposed to be an igali eggaly egalar equal country but I’m not allowed to have a bunk bed or unlimited TV hours at home so why should a bunch of queue jumpers who aren’t even Australians have them? At the end of the tour I had lunch with the “asylum seekers” in the dining hall (nice metal cutlery and ceramic crockery, I might add) and when I saw that they are allowed to put their own salt and pepper on their food I was furious; when I called Susan to ask permission she told the boss to put only a small pinch of each on my mashed potato.

In the evening I went back to the recreation room to talk to some of the “asylum seekers”. One of them told me he had spent over $8,000 on getting to Australia! That’s more money than I have in my Commonwealth Bank Dollarmite account! When I asked him how many Sri Lankan dollars that was he said they don’t use dollars. I asked him if they used stones or cows or something instead and he just glared at me and walked away. I tell you what, if these people can afford $8,000 for a boat cruise I can’t see how they could have it so bad at home.

But the absolute icing on the cake of this “asylum seeker” and detention centre rort was sitting in the corner of the recreation hall: a brand new Apple Mac computer. I’ve been asking Susan for ages if I can have an Apple Mac and she keeps refusing, saying that our two-year-old PC can do everything that we want to do perfectly well and it’s just a waste of money. I tried sulking but that didn’t work, with Susan angrily pointing out that there is no way her family is going to spend $2,000 on a new Minesweeper machine for me just because I don’t like the colour of the one I’ve got, and that $2,000 could be spent on much more important things like food for the kids or textbooks for their schooling. I interrupted her and pointed out that Macs don’t even have Minesweeper and Susan sarcastically asked me what on earth I’d do with a Mac then given that it took me 18 months just to learn how to play that.

Sitting there watching these non-Australians with access to an Apple Mac made me burn up inside with jealousy and a fierce determination to bring to an end the government’s unfair Macs for Boat People program. After a while I went up to the machine and asked the “asylum seeker” sitting nearest it if I could have a turn. After he helped me turn it on, and showed me how to hold the mouse, and showed me how to open a program, I jumped on Twitter to reveal this injustice to the world. The boat person asked what Twitter did but I told him he wouldn’t understand. The boat person then opened up some program called “Microsoft Word” and I asked what it did but he told me I wouldn’t understand.

So, I’m back in Australia now, Parliament is back this week, and I am going to make sure that fairness and justice will be brought to bear on “asylum seekers” and their rorting of the Australian taxpayer for extraordinary luxuries as rewards for their criminal queue jumping. Apple Macs and televisions belong in airport passenger lounges, not detention centres, and airports are where real asylum seekers should arrive. And as part of my research here I called up Flight Centre and asked how much a ticket from Sri Lanka to Sydney costs and I can confidently report that it’s much less than $8,000. This case is closed.

Until next time.

Sen Fielding said he was amazed that detainees were given:

+ A car park near the back door

+ Adjoining rooms near friends if desired

+ Use of a swimming pool

+ Small bars of soap in their en suites

+ Use of a kettle and complementary tea bags, instant coffee, sugar and UHT milk

+ Portable televisions to watch WIN, Prime and ABC 1

+ Free breakfast which they could order on a card and have it delivered on a tray through a little door at the front of their rooms.

“”They even had a choice of not having bacon with their English breakfast,” Mr Fielding said.  “How much does it cost the government not to include Australian bacon because of their non-Christian requirements?”

Refugee advocate Less O’ Dogooder, denied the conditions at Christmas Island were as luxurious as Sen Fielding described.

“The swimming pool is nowhere as big as it looks in the pictures and the busy wallpaper and burnt orange carpet look like something from my nanna’s house,” Ms O’Dogooder said.”.

“And no one told the detainees that a continental breakfast consisted of a stale crossaint and a little variety pack box of Corn Flakes. Continental sounds a lot more impressive than it is, it’s a misleading term - they couldn’t even choose Coco Pops.”

Mr Fielding said that even without the choice of Coco Pops, detainees at Christmas Island received better treatment than many Australians got from the Government.

“There are Australian rapists and murderers doing it a lot tougher in Australian jails than those queue jumpers enjoying holiday camp conditions at Christmas Island.

“Charity should begin at home,” he said.