Groupthink » Barnaby Joyce

A “Sorry” Variation (Sincere Regrets)

Ross Sharp — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 04:05:51 +0000

Groupthink is proud to announce a brand new set of lyrics with a local and contemporary flavour set to the tune of Tex Williams’ “Some, Smoke, Smoke (That Cigarette)” …

“SORRY, SORRY, SORRY (SINCERE REGRETS)”

Now we’re a country with a heart of gold,
Or at least that’s what we’re taught and told,
The kinda place that’s the envy of the world.

But there’s some things that ain’t too thrillin’
Like “The X Factor” or seam gas drillin’,
That when I hear about, do make my toes fair curl.

We’re very sorry for Pauline Hanson,
She can’t wash a car and she’s shit at dancin’,
She ain’t much superior to anyone.

Sorry for whinin’ and fallin’ to our knees-
Whoops! Here’s a boat from Indonese!
Run for the hills and don’t forget the guns!

(CHORUS)
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sincere regrets,
Sorry for all the things we’ve done, and the things we ain’t done yet.
We’re so sorry it makes us cry,
Sorry that our planes don’t fuckin’ fly,
Sorry for the floods and the levy and the flies and the sharks and the pests.

Alan Jones is sorry for his choice of language,
I wish he were the meat in a gay leper sandwich,
Alan Joyce is sorry he’s brung The Troubles.

We’re sorry ‘bout the price of bananas,
And Coles and Woolies fuckin’ over the farmers,
But I still shop there, ‘cause the other places cost me double! (Sorry)

We’re sorry about Andrew Bolt’s pity,
The sook could be heard from city to city,
But old Andy, he ain’t sorry ‘bout much at all.

“My freedom of speech is under threat!”,
And, “Ordinary folk can’t place a bet!”,
“These Muslims and ni**ers gonna rape and kill us all!”

We’re sorry for climate change,
No doubt these scientists are all insane!
You can predict the climate from the entrails of a chicken!

And we’re sorry for Katter and Barnaby Joyce,
Add Angry Anderson and you’re spoilt for choice
For candidates with the brainpower of a kitten!

And we’re bloody sorry for Julia Gillard,
And for Kevin Rudd, whom she doth spill’ed,
Poor dear went off his Iced Vo-Vo’s for a month.

But we’re mortified by Tony Abbott,
In his budgie smugglers with his budgie’s scabbard,
I’m sorry, but I’m about to lose my lunch!

Caption competition: Barnaby edition

Scott Bridges — Wed, 23 Mar 2011 23:49:11 +0000

Best caption wins a year’s supply of carbon.

Have at it!

Liberals defend Tony Abbott

David — Wed, 19 May 2010 03:07:26 +0000

Tony Abbott’s implosion on the 7.30 Report saw several members of the Opposition jump to explain that what he said was not an admission that he lies, but actually an admission that he’s a fair dinkum honest chap. The fact he was being honest about lying was lost on a few of them.

Sadly for Mr Abbott, some of the explanations have been more detrimental than his stumbling effort at the hands of Kerry O’Brien. For example this head-fuck quote by Barnaby Joyce: ”What someone might say to their lover in the heat of passion is entirely different, or should be entirely different, to what you say to the lady checking out your groceries at the supermarket.”

Instead of asking “what the fuck are you on about you purple-faced northern hick” Groupthink decided to ask other members of the Coalition what they made of their leader’s comments.

Wilson Tuckey: “It’s like how a boong will say one thing to get his hands on a flagon. It doesn’t mean it’s what he means to say. The important thing though is getting the flagon.”

Joe Hockey: “Oh look, you know, Tony is like the pedophile uncle who’ll tell you it’s our little secret, but then go tell everyone anyway. Unlike Rudd at least what he says, whether it’s true or not, has substance. Lies are better than a big new tax on everything”.

Christopher Pyne: “In Tony’s defence it’s like when someone is gay but has to say he is straight because he is worried of the repercussions.”

Julie Bishop: “As deputy leader I’ll support everything Tony says whether he means it or not.”

Senator Eric Abetz: “TELL ME WHAT IS WRONG WITH WHAT HE SAID. I SAID TELL ME! ANSWER MY REQUEST! ”

Ian McFarlane: (inaudible)

Sophie Mirabella: “Kerry O’Brien should be sacked for his left-wing bias … are you going to eat the rest of that pastie?”

Senator Bill Heffernan: “Boo! Woof, woof … piss off ya nancy bastard. Blah”

Malcolm Turnbull: “He’s a lying, scheming cunt.”

A lot can happen in two months

Scott Bridges — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 06:37:19 +0000

I’ve been out of the country for about eight weeks and arrived back home a couple of days ago. Watching the television on Saturday night I was shocked to see footage on the news of Tony Abbott driving a tank in a chambre shirt and then doing a press conference in his serious voice. He even said the words, “When we’re in government, if the people choose us later in the year …”

I seem to remember that he became opposition leader just before I left but I thought it might’ve been a massive practical joke. Apparently not. I also seem to recall that Barnaby Joyce was appointed Shadow Finance Minister. Tell me it’s not true, Groupthinkers. What else did I miss?

Steve’s psephological ponderings

@FakeFielding — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 04:31:03 +0000

So, the holidays are over and Parliament is back, and it took no time at all for the crushing boringness of the House’s routine to extinguish any interest the nation’s journalists might have had in my stunning expose of Motel Christmas Island. I tell you, this democraticy of ours is sick when someone like me can put so much work into independently and thoroughly investigating matters of national importance and then have so much trouble cutting through to his public through the media. Sometimes I really wonder what my purpose is in this place, attempting to work with such a confusing and frustrating system that is seemingly imperfluous to rationality and logic. And after the events of the past week my confusion and frustration have only grown more larger.

It all began last Tuesday morning. I was sitting in my Parliament House office putting the cardboard letters into the clear plastic sleeves on my new red pencil case when Susan suddenly burst in and convened an office meeting. I’d been trying to call her mobile phone for an hour and had left four voice messages asking for help to find an ‘S’, a ‘T’, an ‘E’, and a ‘V’, and was just about to leave another asking if I could use a sideways ‘M’ instead of another ‘E’. Susan told me to put it away and got everyone to gather around the main desk.

She welcomed everyone back for 2010, hoped we’d had a good break, before telling us that it’s going to be our biggest year yet with our biggest ever challenge in the shape of the election campaign. I cut in over the top of her and said that election campaigns certainly are tough because everyone’s paying attention to the Prime Minister and the opposition leader and it’s really hard for everyone else to get media attention even with big stunts, but there have been bigger challenges over the years, such as that time I accidentally ended up in the Senate Economics Committee instead of the Family First OH&S Ergonomics Committee because of a nomination form mix up. Susan said that this election challenge will be bigger, and that there would be no time for pointless stunts this time around because everyone will be flat out trying to get me re-elected using adult strategies.

At about this point I decided to stop Susan from making any more of a fool of herself due to her having one very serious point very seriously wrong. But I didn’t want to put her down in front of everyone so I patted her gently on the head and told her in my nicest voice, “It’s okay, Susan, because I don’t ever have to face an election, remember?”

After pausing and looking at me strangely for a moment, Susan reached over, patted me gently on the head, and asked in a voice dripping with sarcasm, “What did you think, Steve, that you were elected forever?” (“Or at all?” the work experience kid yelled out from the back.)

Seeing as though she didn’t take my subtle hint I decided to try for comedy. I smiled widely, held my arms out to the crowd, and said in a jolly voice, “Well, I didn’t have to do too much in 2007 and I’m still here, aren’t I?” Susan, obviously embarrassed by her foolish error, put her head in her hands and groaned. I rubbed her on the back, shook my head at the assembled staff in apology, and said in a conciliatory tone, “Why don’t you just leave the politics to the politicians, hey, dear?”

When I returned to work a couple of days later (the swelling was pretty bad the first day), and after I had hand-delivered the hand-written letters of apology to the staff, I went to see Nick Xzennophone because I felt quite silly sitting around the office in my son’s oversized Corey Worthington sunglasses (the bruise was on my cheek too.) I asked Nick if he’d started planning for his re-election campaign yet but Nick said he didn’t have to do anything this year and was looking forward to just taking it easy while all the attention was elsewhere. I patted him gently on the head and said in my nicest voice, “You know, Nick …”

After leaving Xzennophone’s office having promised to write apology letters to all of his staff I went and sat at Aussies Cafe and blew a quarter of my pocket money on a single hot chocolate, making sure they knew to make it extra cool so I didn’t burn myself. For the first time in as long as I could remember I felt really, really confused. Susan says that I have to fight this election but Nick says that he doesn’t. Yet we’re both Senators. It just doesn’t make sense. I asked the young girl who made my hot chocolate what was going on, but she didn’t know either. It was time to do some proper investigations.

Full of fierce determination to get to the bottom of this matter, I went back to my office and got on the computer. After I got the work experience kid to show me how to type an ‘@’ symbol, I sent a group email around to all the MPs and Senators I could think of asking them if they had to fight the election this year, and also asking if they had seen my Optimus Prime keyring that I lost last October. The thing about the keyring is, I saw Barnaby with it a few weeks later but he saw me seeing him and shoved it in his pocket with a mean smile on his face and gave me the rude finger. I’m too scared to ask him for it so I’m hoping to shame him into giving it back.

By Monday this week I had received less than a dozen replies to my email. Kevin Rudd’s office confirmed that he was running, as did Tony Abbott’s, although those two were obvious. Xzennophone replied personally and told me that my email had a virus called “Pentecostal Trojan” and all future emails from me would be deleted upon receipt. Barnaby also replied himself and said that he would indeed be going into battle against the evil Decepticons. Blast him to heck. The only other emails I got were from Malcolm Turnbull who said he would confirm or deny closer to the date, and from Peter Costello who said, “Obviously no, you fool.” So four yes, one no, and one maybe. One big pile of confusion and zero rhyme or reason. Is the system insane?

But being the intrepid investigationer that I am, I will not give up until I have clarity. This morning I emailed Steve Bracks, Anna Bligh, Mr Quentin Bryce, and the Queen, asking each of them if they will be up for election later this year. I almost sent one to Ray Martin as well until I remembered at the last moment that he hasn’t been on the telly for ages. Close call.

Until next time.