Posts Tagged Apple

“I agree”

by Spock... on 19 April 2010
Categories: Technology, The Internet | Tags: , , ,

In the modern digital world, at least once every day I will tick a box stating that “I have read and agree to the terms and conditions”.

I rarely read them, I don’t care enough.

I would regularly joke with my friends that a thousand software manufactures could own my soul by now and I’d have no idea.

We all thought it was hilarious.

Yeah, well… They do.

A COMPUTER game retailer has revealed that it legally owns the souls of thousands of online shoppers, thanks to a clause in the terms and conditions they agreed to.

See, apparently this computer game retailer, GameStation, had the initiative to install what they called an “immortal soul clause” in their contract.

“By placing an order via this Web site on the first day of the fourth month of the year 2010 Anno Domini, you agree to grant Us a non transferable option to claim, for now and for ever more, your immortal soul. Should We wish to exercise this option, you agree to surrender your immortal soul, and any claim you may have on it, within 5 (five) working days of receiving written notification from gamesation.co.uk (sic) or one of its duly authorised minions.”

It allowed them to claim your soul at any time the desired, they even reserved the right “to serve such notice in 6 (six) foot high letters of fire”.

I, for one, welcome the precedent set by this new form of legal contract and am excited by the possibilities it has opened. I look forward to other inovative organizations adopting the initiative in their binding contracts.

I have made my online life easier by giving Google control of everything, imagine how streamlined my life could be if I just gave them control over my soul too (but you know, it’s only a technicality, it’s not like they’d never *do* anything with it, right?).

We all know Apple already owns every pathetic Mac-fan-boy-who-lined-up-for-an-iPad-for-days-and-wants-Steve-Jobs-for-his-body’s soul, so why not make it official in a binding contract? In exchange for their soul they could get Apple bumper stickers.

This is just the beginning of course, the potential is limitless. TV networks, newspapers (perhaps Rupert would accept payment of eternal souls to populate his city of the damned in lieu of cash to get past his paywall. It would certainly save him some hassle when it comes to finding breakfast), political parties and NGOs. This is the dawn of an exciting new day in End User License Agreements.

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iFad? No, iVerydisappointed

by Bob Dumpling on 1 February 2010
Categories: Corporations, Media, Music, Technology | Tags: , , , ,

Well the iPad has arrived but can you hear that noise? It’s the sound of Apple losing their shit after reading Alan Kohler in Business Spectator. Yep, worse than David Pogue ranting about AT&T or another Hitler/Downfall video bemusing on the lack of camera & multi-tasking… the worst has happened. Alan Kohler is disappointed in the iPad.

It seems Kohler already bought a Tablet (like an HP or something, whatever “the iPad looks like just another tablet computer”) and hated it… and having filled his home with iMacs and Macbooks, he really hoped for something extra special. But the iPad, from what he has seen, fails to live up to his high-technicolour dreams.

Worse still, Kohler is pretty sure that the iPad is not going to save newspapers. I know that’s what we all hoped for, in fact, for as long as I can remember Steve Jobs has always said that more than anything else, he wanted to ensure the ongoing stability and prosperity of global media enterprises.

So the ‘Tablet’ (which he insists on continuing to call it post-keynote) must indeed be a bitter pill for Alan Kohler to swallow. But if this article with it’s infantile, “I hate the way the world is heading, where’s my mummy?” tone makes you want to stab something… lock up your kitchen ware because that other giant of Australian business journalism, Michael Pascoe wrote an absolute doosey last week.

Pascoe thinks Apple is “an IT gadget company” with the temerity to (I know, this is incredible) over charge innocent Aussie consumers.

As far as reality denial goes, this is an extra special article. I’m sure you have heard of Melody Gardot? I hadn’t but I live in the suburban equivalent of an iron lung so to me any cultural reference point is like mainlining speed. Anyway, Ms Gardot has a massive is on the cusp of a massive singing career which is being totally hampered by Apple iTunes Australia’s barbaric pricing structure. I know, it’s shocking. Read it and embrace the rage.

But seriously, this would be valid were it not for the teensy-wincey fact that Australian’s are used to being rogered by music publishers, book publishers and all sorts of other protected entities. The other fact that our elder statesmen of Australian journalism can dabble a bit in the world of tech-journo and appear so out of touch, makes me disappointed that the death of media isn’t all that deadly.

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Busting the “asylum seeker” rort

by @FakeFielding on 31 January 2010
Categories: Politics | Tags: , , , ,

Last weekend I was really bored. The American hip hop video clips with all those bikini women on Video Hits were making me a feel a bit funny so I’d turned the television off, I’d eaten so many tomato sauce sandwiches that I was starting to feel sick, and the linen cupboard suddenly had a child-proof lock on it so I couldn’t make a cubby house. Susan was starting to get really grumpy with me moping about the house and was threatening to call the electorate office to see if there was anything I could do to help out, so I called up Nick Xzennophone to see if he could play. Nick’s wife answered the phone and said he was out, but after I asked her why I could hear Nick in the background whispering that he was out she put him on the phone.

Xzennophone told me that he’d love to play but was too busy researching the asylum seeker issue because it was going to be a big one this year. I asked him what asylum seekers were and after he told me I was overcome with sympathy for the poor sods. But after Nick suggested a coalition with the Greens who hold a similar position to us I instantly decided that I was anti-asylum seekers, or anti-immigration, or anti-whatever it is the Greens are for. The Greens can pass around the friendship bong with whoever they want but I’m going to maintain the intensity of Australia’s borders.

Read the rest of this entry »

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“The world of Google” – a chilling vision of things to come.

by Molesworth on 30 October 2009
Categories: Technology | Tags: , ,

The Google™ Clock buzzed. Damien opened his eyes, frustrated to be awoken from his recurring dreams of threesomes in Parisian bathtubs.

“Good morning Damien!” intoned his Google™ brand coffee machine.

“Latte!” he barked, for he cared not for the feelings of this emotionless consumer item. The machine whirred into action.

“Emails!” he shouted.

“You have (4) new emails!” buzzed the coffee machine. Damien switched on the monitor of his Google™ computer and logged into his GMail account. Three emails were from supermodels desperate to make use of his enormous genitals. He groaned and marked them as “spam”. The fourth email was far more interesting – would be interested in a Google™ credit card?

Why, indeed he would.

Twenty minutes later new credit card arrived, courtesy of Google™ post. How thoughtful of Prime Minister Tuckey to remove the stranglehold of Australia Post he ruminated. With interest of 6.5% for the first year (453% interest p.a thereafter), this deal was unbeatable. The cavalcade of thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of his Google™ Phone.

“Damien!” Alicia shrilled into the earpiece “Have you taken your Google™ Viagra yet?”

“Curse you woman, for you are insatiable” he boomed into the receiver “I only just woke up.”

Damien didn’t even wait for a response before slamming his Google™ Phone down. He sighed, before slipping into his Google™ dressing gown and settling down to work. Since signing up for the online Google™ Drive, Damien had no reason to go to the office anymore. Allowing Google™ to sift through the contents of his hard-drive in order to target his advertising more effectively was a small price to pay for avoiding a fifteen minute commute in his chauffeured Google™ Car. Sipping on his Google™ latte he pondered on the existence of the Googleverse™ (formerly “Universe”) and everything that it contained, before springing to his feet with barely controlled glee.

“I can’t believe I just worked out the meaning of life!” he shouted. This was it. Now he would finally be featured in the Sunday Life lift-out – the culmination of a life well spent.

A knock on the door interrupted his jig. Damien answered it, only to find two Google™ Law Enforcement Agents – a most unwelcome surprise. His brow furrowed in annoyance.

“How may I help you officer?” he asked, an air of indifference masking his inner frustration.

“We were legally sifting through the contents of your Google™ Drive when we came across some…. forbidden material.” The agent elongated the last words more than Damien felt was necessary. “As a consequence we’d like to have a brief friendly chat down at the Google™ Re-Education Centre.”

Damien gulped.

“I’m afraid I’m busy” he said, his meek voice belying his muscular frame and hulking presence. Damien turned just as the agent cleared his throat.

“Perhaps you misunderstood” was all that was said before Damien was promptly tasered in the rear.

When he came to he was strapped to the outside of a Google™ Rocket aimed directly at the Sun.

“You’ll never get away with this!” he roared to no-one “One day people will learn of the folly of putting all their trust behind a search engine! Who could have foreseen Google going mad with power and taking over the planet? WHO?”

“Launch sequence initiated, in 5, 4, 3, 2….”

“THE PEOPLE WILL NEVER STAND FOR THIS!” he shouted above the roar of rocket engines. This seemed an expensive way to dispose of an Enemy Of The State.

As the rocket launched Damien squeezed his eyes shut, and in the last moments before plunging into the nuclear furnace he fervently wished he’d voted for Apple instead. At least he might have gotten an iPhone.

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