What compounds pharmacists’ overblown sense of importance is their matron-like retail staff. You know the ones who ask you all sorts of inane questions when you buy some Panadol? Do you have any stomach ulcers? Are you taking this in conjunction with Nurofen? Is this for period pain? And why doesn’t Panadol just come in the form of Panadol Rapid? Why do you need the standard form of Panadol that takes hours to work? Further, what about toothpaste that you spend hours staring at in the supermarket isle trying to decide which one out of forty types of Macleans you need?  Why doesn’t that just come in an all-in-one tube?

I was in the chemist recently and I needed to buy some travel handwash. You know, the stuff that comes in the form of a gel to disinfect your hands? After being shadowed by the vulture-like retail assistant, I grabbed a small bottle of handwash from the shelf and walked to the counter where I was asked, “Have you used this before?”

Gobsmacked, my first instinct was to say none of your business. However, to hurry the process up and to shut her up I said yes.

She replied with another question, “Will you be using this around children? Because if you are and they swallow it all then you should ring the poison hotline number.”

Looking at the bottle, I replied, “What’s the number? It’s not on the back of the bottle.”

“Urm … I don’t know. It should be in your phonebook.”

“I don’t have a phonebook. Look, I’m in a hurry …”  and I left feeling slightly violated and pissed off.

Being a consumer is hard enough these days without having to put up with pharmacists and their assistants. They’re as redundant as candlestick makers and radio actors. All you need is a script, and if you have any questions Google it or ask another person in the line. Guaranteed they will know just as much as a pharmacist. Hopefully soon, a vending machine will give you the pills, print the label and you’ll be out of there in under a minute so you can go to the supermarket and spin your brain into circles deciding what toilet paper you need.

The doctors were unfamiliar with Sarah’s condition, but further investigation showed she had measles. The delayed diagnosis wasn’t due to any shortcomings in the National Health Service, but because a vaccine had all but wiped out the disease and none of the doctors, including experienced pediatricians, had actually seen it before. Luckily Sarah had that vaccination, as part of the Measles, Mumps, Rubella (MMR) injection, and while she showed the symptoms she never suffered the full effects, which could be deadly.

So why did my daughter get measles in a first-world city, two decades after a vaccination had all but eradicated it? The BBC’s policy of giving all issues and views equal measure regardless of their credibility had something to with it.

In the late 1990s a report was published in the prestigious medical journal The Lancet, which claimed that the combination of the three drugs in the MMR vaccine (to lessen the amount of injections for babies) was linked to children with autism. The report by Andrew Wakefield was released just months before Sarah caught the measles but, as we witnessed, its impact on scaring parents out of vaccinating their children and bringing a dormant disease back to life was immediate. Wakefield was later proven to be a dodgy bastard and The Lancet retracted the article in 2007.

What does this have to do with the BBC? Because it’s charter meant it had to give crackpots like Wakefield and his believers equal time to sprout their bullshit against scientists and doctors who, backed with years of research could demonstrate that there was absolutely no link between MMR and autism. Scare campaigns work brilliantly when children are involved, so as long as the issue was discussed parents had to agonise over whether or not to vaccinate their children at all, often with with tragic consequences.

Which makes the above a rather long, but fair analogy in the context of the ridiculous speech by ABC Chairman Maurice Newman, who said ABC journalists needed to give more time to climate change sceptics.

Newman, a self-confessed climate-change agnostic, claimed there is a “groupthink” among ABC journalists on the side of climate change believers, which had led to the sceptic point of view being pushed away and not given an equal airing by the public broadcaster.

Putting this appalling insult to the ABC’s editorial integrity aside, Newman’s call to give climate deniers a say regardless of their credentials and evidence is alarming. I’m all for giving opposing views equal measure, but it’s credibility that needs to be quantified rather than time. A 15-minute interview with a highly renowned climate scientist pointing to evidence of global warming on Catalyst should be taken to task, but not by Andrew Bolt on Insiders.

 The reason why the view supporting climate change gets more of a run on the ABC is because there are relatively few climate change denialists whose views are based on hard data that’s widely supported within the scientific community. This doesn’t seem to matter to Newman, who wants stories about the impact of climate change to be offset by zealous viewpoints by the likes of Bolt and Lord Monkton, who base their arguments on selected facts and figures. The only reason they get any credibility at all is because, as shown during the MMR debacle, people will believe what they want to believe as long as there’s at least one fool to justify it.

Having successfully re-heated my food after five frustrating minutes spent realising that I had to press the button next to the Post-in note arrow, not the arrow itself, I settled down in the lounge room to watch the DVD. But all of a sudden disaster struck when I stuck the DVD into the VHS machine without even thinking! What an idiot! Panicking, I frantically pressed EJECT on the remote control and the machine itself, but the disc wouldn’t come out. I changed the batteries and tried again but still nothing! I called Susan to ask what to do but her phone was on silent inside the cinema. Breathing deep to keep the anxiety at bay I knew it was time for some creative thinking.

Careful to unplug the machine so there was no chance of electrocuting myself, I picked it up, pointed the tape door towards the floor, and shook it with all my might. I could hear the disc rattling around inside but it just wouldn’t come out. By this stage I was nearly in tears, and I considered calling 000 but I decided to give it one more shot. Placing the machine on the coffee table I carefully inserted my hand through the door and grabbed hold of the disc. Success! However, no matter how hard I tried, I could not get my hand out of the machine.

Two hours later Susan arrived home with the kids and found me sitting on the carpet, bashing the video player connected to the end of my arm on the floor, and covered head-to-toe in all the butter and olive oil I could find in the house. It was not, I’ll admit, one of my finer moments. I was so overwrought with emotions that I couldn’t stop my son from taking photos on his phone and texting them around to his friends.

I spent the next six hours in the emergency room of my local hospital and my harrowing experience makes me supremely qualified to formulate and analyse this country’s health system. For starters, waiting lists are at crisis point as people in need go without necessary treatment. I had to wait for four hours before a doctor saw me! Four! I was attended to by many nurses but they were hardly taking their jobs seriously going by the level of giggling and photo texting that they were doing while they were supposed to be working.

The indignity I suffered, sitting there in the waiting room, was stinging. Our hospitals are supposed to be places where people heal their bodies and minds but mine were getting sicker. I vowed then and there to do something about health in this country.

Finally, I was examined by a doctor who removed the VHS machine and dressed the grazes on my hand. I asked him why the whole thing had taken so long and he said that hospitals are all under-staffed and under-resourced for the work that they were asked to do. I told him that I was a law maker (I heard Barack Osama say that phrase on the telly) and that I could do something about it. He stared at the puddle of grease on the sheet around my bottom and said he doubted that. I gave him my APH business card and said that I seriously was a politician, and after he’d called my office and described me over the phone to verify my credentials I asked him what was the one single thing that would most improve health. Money, he said, and lots of it.

As soon as I got home I emailed Kevin Rudd and told him that we should give more money to hospitals. Then I called my staff to tell them that this was a new policy. And finally I called Nick Xzennophone to tell him that it was my new policy and I thought of it first so don’t go announcing it himself and claiming it was his. Nick told me to say thanks to my son for the MMS. What’s an MMS?

And finally today, after months and months of my lobbying and tireless work on my behalf, Kevin Rudd has announced his health plan, modelled on Family First’s policy, which includes more money for hospitals. Excellent. But the good work is totally cancelled out by his bizarre decision to move all hospitals to Canberra. How on earth anyone could possibly think such an idea is a good one is beyond me. Just imagine how far people will have to travel for treatment if they live in Queensland, Victoria, South Australia, North Australia and the Western Terrortry! Madness.

As usual, this country’s government has taken a good, sensible idea and baked it by half. Australians are right to be sick of being stuffed around, and the impending travel for thousands of hospital patients will surely be the last straw for most voters. For this reason, it is imperative that you vote for Family First and common sense in this year’s referendum. You never know when it might be you waiting in a hospital emergency department with a video machine on your arm and butter dripping through your eyebrows.

Until next time.

However, one Queenslander was so outraged by this event that he was moved to fire off a letter to today’s Sydney Morning Herald …

How many people were arrested for indecent exposure in a public place? From the lack of media reports, none. That the police allowed this disgraceful display calls into question their ability to enforce the law. Are they afraid to do that? That the citizens of this once great city appear not to have protested calls into question their level of support for immorality in their midst. This was not art, it was grubby voyeurism at its worst. – David Stevens, Sunnybank Hills (Qld)

To which I was moved to fire off a response …

Re yesterday’s letter from David Stevens of Sunnybank Hills, Queensland protesting the “disgraceful”, “grubby voyeurism” and “immorality” of the recent Spencer Tunick photo shoot, I would like it be known that I am not native to Queensland, I only work here. – Ross Sharp, (Qld)

You’ve no idea how many times over the past five years I’ve felt it necessary to point this out.

When Mr. Cook came here, there were boongs coons niggers Abo’s here who ate their babies and threw spears at him. Also, they ran around without any clothes on which is not right, that’s what pedo’s do.

So when the British people all got here, they killed the pedo boongs coons niggers blacks and told them to stop eating their babies, they should eat a pie instead.

After we became a country we went to some wars, and our greatest acheivment ever was fighting at Gallopy, where we would have won if it weren’t for a bunch of wogs who shot at us.

Then we went to another war, and we won that one because the wogs were dumber and we were smarter.

We didn’t do very well in Viettnam, but that was only because of the chinks.

Our great hereoes are Robert Menzies who was a Prime Minister ages ago, John Howard who was Prime Minister forever, Don Bradman who was very good at cricket, Kerry Packer gave us colour television and Rupert Murdoch who made “Avatar” which is fucking AWESOME X 1,000!!! thohgh my little brother got sick in the Hoyts from all the 3D and threw up over an old lady.

My Dad told me that our country is fucked buggered not going too well actually these days because of all the wogs and chinks we’ve let in. When all the lebo’s were raping Aussie women in Cronulla beach, my Dad went down there and told me that he punched a lebo in the face really hard and blood came out and the lebo ran away. We had pizza that night and Dad let me have a beer which was nice.

Dad told me that once we had a policy to keep all the wogs out, but some communists got rid of that and said we should hug queers and let women kill their babies which is against God who said queers should be put to death.

Anyway, the teacher told me I had to do at least one qwarto page for this essay and now I am at the end, so that’s all I can do about Australian history for now, also Mum is yelling at me to get my fucking arse out to the kitchen because dinner is ready.

On Tuesdays we get Chinese food from Lings, and Mum lets me have some wine from her cask which is nice (fruity lexia it is called).

I really like the mongrel lamb and spring rolls a lot, with the pink sauce.

Working journalists would argue that their craft is specialised and comes with appropriate qualifications. But, unlike law and medicine, the little piece of paper you get at the end of a journalism degree or cadetship is by no means an exclusive requirement needed to embark on a journalism career.

I think the key to the whole debate rests in the definition of a journalist, which is someone who processes information, weeds out fact from fiction and then presents it a manner which is understandable and informative to the user. This is where the notion of the “citizen journalist” falls over when it comes to describing someone relaying information online via blogs, Twitter and other social media.

During the weekend’s tsunami scare I saw a tweet that could be described as citizen journalism:

CometDudeOur PA system in Okinawa Japan just announced Tsunami warning. evacuate to higher ground #tsunami #okinawa

This is the kind of classic on-the-spot post during a major breaking story that made Twitter famous. But is it journalism? No, it’s not.

• Sure, CometDude is providing important information here, but where’s the detail?
• What sort of tsunami warning has been issued?
• Does the warning include an order to evacuate to higher ground, or is this CometDude’s own advice?
• What is higher ground; the top end of the street or the summit of Mt Fuji?
• And finally, how do we know this is even true?

Sure, there is a limit to what one can write in 140 characters, which makes the case against this being classed as journalism even stronger.

Simply relaying what you’re seeing, or hearing is not journalism, it’s Citizen Commentary, and no different to eyewitness sound bites we see on the news. If that is journalism than “Chk-Chk Boom Girl” Claire Werbeloff might as well join the MEAA.

It could be argued they’re reporters. But reporting involves a lot more than just relaying what you see. It involves gathering such quotes and checking them against other facts before using them in a package to present the story.

Ironically, this is being compromised in order to keep up with the internet. The result is information coming out through supposedly credible news sources before its verified, meaning that basic tenet of journalism, to weed out fact from fiction, is being sacrificed for the sake of providing up-to-the-minute content.

So, yeah, maybe one day the term Citizen Journalist will apply instead of Citizen Commentator, but sadly this will be because the standards that once defined true journalism will sink to its level.

Re: Internet usage infringement notification

Dear Mr. Sharp,

Thank you for choosing iiNET as your service provider.

In accordance with current Federal Government Communications regulations, we are now obliged to examine the browsing history of all iiNET customers to ensure that appropriate community standards of decency are being maintained and that inappropriate, obscene, illegal or offensive material is not being accessed.

On October 14, 2010, you accessed a YouTube page containing the words “Adolescent Sex”. Before we report this information to the appropriate Federal authorities, we seek clarification about the type of material you were accessing and would request you contact us immediately to provide us with further information.

Kind Regards,
The Team at iiNET

December 14, 2010

Re: Internet usage infringement notification

Dear iiNET,

If you have access to my browsing history, why don’t you just look up the page yourself?

The page you refer to contains a clip by the pop group Japan from 1978, and the title of the song is “Adolescent Sex”. There’s nothing inappropriate about it, it even went into the charts for a while.

Regards,
Ross Sharp

PS. Kindly tell Senator Stephen Conroy to go fuck himself with a chainsaw. I’m fucking sick of this crap.

March 1, 2011

Re: Your email of March 1, 2011 to fraserv@———

Dear Mr. Sharp,

Thank you for choosing iiNET as your service provider.

In accordance with current Federal Government Communications regulations, any and all electronic correspondence must now be vetted by the appropriate Federal Government authorities to ensure that –

It is not abusive or contain material that may be considered inappropriate, obscene or offensive and does not infringe the copyright of any individual or organisation.

Your email has been placed in a queue and will be released once it has been established these criteria have been met.

Kind Regards,
The Team at iiNET

(This is an auto-generated message. Please do not reply to this message).

June 15, 2015

Re: Your email of March 1, 2011 to fraserv@———

Dear Mr. Sharp,

Thank you for choosing iiNET as your service provider.

Your email of March 1, 2011 has now been released to its intended recipient.

Kind Regards,
The Team at iiNET

(This is an auto-generated message. Please do not reply to this message)

March 11, 2016

Re: Internet usage infringement notification

Dear Mr. Sharp,

Thank you for choosing iiNET as your service provider.

It has come to our attention that you recently attempted (on November 12, 2014) to access information about the organisation Exit International, a pro-e********a advocacy group.

Under current Federal Government Communication regulations, access to, or discussion of e********a is prohibited and subject to prosecution.

It has also come to our attention that you placed an online booking for a one-way international flight to Mexico for January 14, 2015, a well known destination for pro- e********a advocates, where the e********a drug, l******m can be obtained.

We are required by law to notify the appropriate Federal authorities when such information comes to our attention.

Please contact us immediately so that we may clarify these issues with our regulators.

Kind Regards,
The Team at iiNET

April 4, 2017

Re: Internet usage infringement notification

Dear Mr. Sharp,

Thank you for choosing iiNET as your service provider.

We refer to our email to you dated March 11, 2016 to which we have not yet received a reply.

We have attempted to contact you by standard Australia Post mail, however, our communications have been returned to us variously marked, “No longer at this address”, “Not here” and “He’s dead. Fuck off.”

Can you please confirm to us whether or not you are dead.

Kind Regards,
The Team at iiNET

At least it's not in crayon

Dear Mr Adams,

My name is Trevor McDonald and I am 42. I am a popular Topical Debator on the internets and have been labeled with the award “Topical Debator of the Years” for my debates. I am also a rightwinged bloke who is a one manned think tank. For a crust I collect the old bones from butchers (would you like your lawn fertalised?). I do this part time for cash.

Now I am a strait talking bloke and I am owed $100,000 dollars by the Australian Skeptical Society as I have discovered undisputable evidence of paranormal alien activity from. My step-brother Wayne (a Collingwood supporter) and I were visiting our step dad at Traralgon Prison recently. While walking in some back streets to find a new TV cabinet in the form of a milk crate we came accross this.

It is what is known as a crop circle made by a paranormal alien space craft.

Now, I know that you have never paid the 100 grand before but you’d better get you’re check book out. Now I am also on the Centrelinks payment so if the check could be made out to my defacto Wendy that would cut around the red tape.

Yours Truly
Trevor McDonald.

PA: clearly an elephant stopped and crapped in the grass….are you telling me it’s an elephant from outer space?

Me: Thank you for your very promt reply to my claim. No I’m not sure if your trying to pull a fast one but we all know there are no elephants in outer space.

Cheers,
Trev

PA: no elephants in outer space? that’s because they all land heavily on Earth and make splodge marks in wheat fields…

Me: I guess this means my planned trip to Bali is off.

Wayne is pretty upset. He had a new Collingwood Darren Millane tattoo planned. I told him I can design a new one for him on MS Paint and do a DIY with a needle and a bic pen.

So much for trying to challenge “science”.

(Mr Adams may still pay up, he seems like a nice bloke who likes to asks questions about other possibles)

UPDATE: Phillip Adams responds:

The cheque for 100,000 is in the mail -so enjoy yourself in Bali…but be careful of falling coconuts…not as big as falling elephants but far more numerous….seriously, a friend of mine got killed up there when he copped a coconut on his nut…best to carry a brolly.

So it looks like Wayne and I are off to Bali courtesy of prominent leftist Phillip Adams!

Fair enough. Let’s follow this through to its obvious conclusion.

Swearing

To be banned: Speaking Air

Flipping the bird

To be banned: Hand signals Middle digits

Spiteful books

To be banned: Paper Ink Printing presses Book shops

Defacing posters

To be banned: Wood Fences Nails Hammers Cardboard Ink Paint Spraycans

Fake politicians

To be banned: Twitter Computers Electricity Bottle suits