Archive for category Technology

I am not a tech-head

by Ross Sharp on 18 August 2010
Categories: Federal election 2010, Technology, The Internet | Tags: ,

About 14 years ago, my then employer replaced the dodgy old green screen terminals in the office with desktop pc’s running Windows, gave us all internet access and from there on in, the way I went about my work changed completely.

I am not a tech-head.

But it became immediately apparent to me back then that if I wished to remain relevant to the workforce for the remainder of my working life, what I would need to do was get across all this new-fangled technology and have a clue.

Which I did, and which I have.

But it does not appear to be apparent to the current leader of the federal opposition and many of his acolytes that if this country wishes to remain relevant to the ways of the world and how it will go about its business in the future, what it needs to do is stop thinking the future will be secured for an eternity if only we continue to invest all our high hopes in a small clutch of billionaire mining giants whose sole fucking talent is pulling rocks out of the fucking ground and selling them to fucking China who then make stuff and then fucking well sell it back to us.

We need to make some fucking stuff of our own.

For it appears to me that investing in technology for the future, things like research and development in the sciences and such, just might be a nifty way to go about proving that this country and its inhabitants are not an intellectually lazy but “lucky” bunch of instant shake ‘n’ bake fucktards whose greatest heroes are an old cunt who hit balls around a fucking paddock with a wooden paddle for a living and some dickhead who liked throwing himself on top of fucking reptiles and maybe, just maybe, we can aspire to be a little less average and ordinary than we really are.

It’s a big ask I know, as plans such as these involve things like … foresight, imagination, innovation, intelligence, the courage of …

…

…

Nah, fuck it.

I have two tin cans and some string.

And a bicycle.

She’ll be right.

As you were.

4 Comments

So what Movie Studio is responsible for this?

by Trevor McDonald on 3 August 2010
Categories: Crime, Technology, The Internet | Tags: , , , ,

This does need saying but I am not an Olympian. And this seems to be the work of a bloke called Eric Bana whose employers at Hollywood will be very embarrassed to find they are involved with and engaging in more slurs than my brother Wayne after a dozen 440ml cans of the Woodstock and coke Burbon cans.

It’s no secret that Bana and Hollywood are run by the Leftists from the cartoon revolution of Mikey Mouse to the 3d revolution of the greenist films Avatars and Inception (wind farms).

I’ve could name ten Eric Banas but I won’t.

So Eric, you’d better remove your parody of Trevor McDonald or I will be forced to sick Mel Gibson’s russian bride on you.

You have been warmed.

Trevor McDonalds.

3 Comments

Welcome to the monkey house

by Spock... on 30 July 2010
Categories: Society, Technology | Tags: , , , , , , ,

This morning, this country lost its shit. And the culprit?

Benevolent Overlord Jobs and the iPhone 4

Benevolent Overlord Jobs and the iPhone 4

People stood in line, in the cold, to make sure they were the first to fork over their money for this consumer electronic that frankly, isn’t that impressive. People were franticly running around cities to find the only outlet with stock. People were cancelling contracts and changing networks because their network had sold out of the iPhone 4. People were ultimately paying potentially thousands of dollars to get their grubby little (and probably over worked from masturbating) hands on an iPhone 4 the day it was released (as if no more stock will come and their life will be over if they can not have one).

Most of these people had perfectly good old model iPhones. Most of those people were only half way through their contracts and needed to cancel and pay out to upgrade. Or they will now just pay two phone bills.

These people will likely vote.

I think Futurama pretty much nailed it.

But anyway, in case you were wondering if you should buy an iPhone 4 on the day of its release or if you were considering buying one soon, I made a flowchart that should make your decision easier.

Should I buy an iPhone 4

You’re welcome.

11 Comments

A hard-earned thirst need a big, cold …

by Ant Rogenous on 19 July 2010
Categories: Federal election 2010, Technology, Unexplainable | Tags: , ,

Earlier today, Spock introduced the world to The WineRack and announced he’d begun designing a male equivalent, to be called The Schlong Straw.

Sadly, it looks like he’ll be second in line at the patent office:

schlongstraw

3 Comments

“I agree”

by Spock... on 19 April 2010
Categories: Technology, The Internet | Tags: , , ,

In the modern digital world, at least once every day I will tick a box stating that “I have read and agree to the terms and conditions”.

I rarely read them, I don’t care enough.

I would regularly joke with my friends that a thousand software manufactures could own my soul by now and I’d have no idea.

We all thought it was hilarious.

Yeah, well… They do.

A COMPUTER game retailer has revealed that it legally owns the souls of thousands of online shoppers, thanks to a clause in the terms and conditions they agreed to.

See, apparently this computer game retailer, GameStation, had the initiative to install what they called an “immortal soul clause” in their contract.

“By placing an order via this Web site on the first day of the fourth month of the year 2010 Anno Domini, you agree to grant Us a non transferable option to claim, for now and for ever more, your immortal soul. Should We wish to exercise this option, you agree to surrender your immortal soul, and any claim you may have on it, within 5 (five) working days of receiving written notification from gamesation.co.uk (sic) or one of its duly authorised minions.”

It allowed them to claim your soul at any time the desired, they even reserved the right “to serve such notice in 6 (six) foot high letters of fire”.

I, for one, welcome the precedent set by this new form of legal contract and am excited by the possibilities it has opened. I look forward to other inovative organizations adopting the initiative in their binding contracts.

I have made my online life easier by giving Google control of everything, imagine how streamlined my life could be if I just gave them control over my soul too (but you know, it’s only a technicality, it’s not like they’d never *do* anything with it, right?).

We all know Apple already owns every pathetic Mac-fan-boy-who-lined-up-for-an-iPad-for-days-and-wants-Steve-Jobs-for-his-body’s soul, so why not make it official in a binding contract? In exchange for their soul they could get Apple bumper stickers.

This is just the beginning of course, the potential is limitless. TV networks, newspapers (perhaps Rupert would accept payment of eternal souls to populate his city of the damned in lieu of cash to get past his paywall. It would certainly save him some hassle when it comes to finding breakfast), political parties and NGOs. This is the dawn of an exciting new day in End User License Agreements.

8 Comments

Man jobs

by Campbell on 4 April 2010
Categories: Society, Technology | Tags: , , ,

Holidays bring man jobs. First cab off the rank was the door leading to the garage where one of the hinges had come loose. However, this is my entire collection of tools:

But, being a man I fixed it nonetheless:

Read the rest of this entry »

13 Comments

Internet v3.0, a preview

by Ross Sharp on 1 March 2010
Categories: Media, Politics, Technology | Tags: ,

December 12, 2010

Re: Internet usage infringement notification

Dear Mr. Sharp,

Thank you for choosing iiNET as your service provider.

In accordance with current Federal Government Communications regulations, we are now obliged to examine the browsing history of all iiNET customers to ensure that appropriate community standards of decency are being maintained and that inappropriate, obscene, illegal or offensive material is not being accessed.

On October 14, 2010, you accessed a YouTube page containing the words “Adolescent Sex”. Before we report this information to the appropriate Federal authorities, we seek clarification about the type of material you were accessing and would request you contact us immediately to provide us with further information.

Kind Regards,
The Team at iiNET

Read the rest of this entry »

4 Comments

Problems solved

by Scott Bridges on 27 February 2010
Categories: Technology | Tags: , ,

Facebook has been used to say nasty things. There are calls to ban its use by certain people and in certain situations.

Fair enough. Let’s follow this through to its obvious conclusion.

Swearing

Swearing

 To be banned:

  • Speaking
  • Air

Read the rest of this entry »

1 Comment

Why are Youse Surprised?

by Trevor McDonald on 25 February 2010
Categories: Media, Society, Technology | Tags: ,

Don’t get me wrong (because Im never wrong) but the two recent terrible tragedies involving our youngsters have been shocking and heart wrenching for their families and towns/communities. But you know what gets on my goat about the whole thing (apart from the evil little cunts who done it) its the fucken Facebook dedication pages.

Now In my time if you had died your mates and you step mums would put the hat around and put some death notices in the local rag. Now with the generation of the internet (Facebook) people can leave dedication notices on purpose specific Facebook (forums) outlining their grief and emotions (with grief appropriate emoticons too). While there is nothing wrong with this what gets on my quince is that people are surprised when these Facebook Dedication Pages are infiltrated by all sorts of nasty characters and hyperlinks (links that you click on to go to what is called a ‘webpage’).Like, what the fucken hell does you expect. You know like the real life, that the internet is filled with all sorts of nasty things and people who use the internet. Put something in the paper instead you know.

Plus I said to my ex defacto recently that if I died that I don’t want a Facebook dedication page. Just like I didn’t want her to dedicate love songs to me on the Fox FM.

A more important Topical Debate is Does You Think Steven Conways Internet Filter is going to stop these gallutes spamming Facebook Dedication Pages?

Youse be the Judges:

No Comments

iFad? No, iVerydisappointed

by Bob Dumpling on 1 February 2010
Categories: Corporations, Media, Music, Technology | Tags: , , , ,

Well the iPad has arrived but can you hear that noise? It’s the sound of Apple losing their shit after reading Alan Kohler in Business Spectator. Yep, worse than David Pogue ranting about AT&T or another Hitler/Downfall video bemusing on the lack of camera & multi-tasking… the worst has happened. Alan Kohler is disappointed in the iPad.

It seems Kohler already bought a Tablet (like an HP or something, whatever “the iPad looks like just another tablet computer”) and hated it… and having filled his home with iMacs and Macbooks, he really hoped for something extra special. But the iPad, from what he has seen, fails to live up to his high-technicolour dreams.

Worse still, Kohler is pretty sure that the iPad is not going to save newspapers. I know that’s what we all hoped for, in fact, for as long as I can remember Steve Jobs has always said that more than anything else, he wanted to ensure the ongoing stability and prosperity of global media enterprises.

So the ‘Tablet’ (which he insists on continuing to call it post-keynote) must indeed be a bitter pill for Alan Kohler to swallow. But if this article with it’s infantile, “I hate the way the world is heading, where’s my mummy?” tone makes you want to stab something… lock up your kitchen ware because that other giant of Australian business journalism, Michael Pascoe wrote an absolute doosey last week.

Pascoe thinks Apple is “an IT gadget company” with the temerity to (I know, this is incredible) over charge innocent Aussie consumers.

As far as reality denial goes, this is an extra special article. I’m sure you have heard of Melody Gardot? I hadn’t but I live in the suburban equivalent of an iron lung so to me any cultural reference point is like mainlining speed. Anyway, Ms Gardot has a massive is on the cusp of a massive singing career which is being totally hampered by Apple iTunes Australia’s barbaric pricing structure. I know, it’s shocking. Read it and embrace the rage.

But seriously, this would be valid were it not for the teensy-wincey fact that Australian’s are used to being rogered by music publishers, book publishers and all sorts of other protected entities. The other fact that our elder statesmen of Australian journalism can dabble a bit in the world of tech-journo and appear so out of touch, makes me disappointed that the death of media isn’t all that deadly.

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