Archive for category Foreign matter

Wilson’s Lament

(With apologies to John Cooper Clarke)

Bloody wogs on bloody boats,
The bloody border’s a bloody joke,
Bloody Rudd was a bloody clown,
The bloody cunts should bloody drown,
Bloody Turnbull was bloody fucked,
No one had the bloody guts,
To bloody do what needs be done,
And bloody shoot the bloody scum.

I’m bloody sick of spicks and wops,
And bloody chinks who eat their dogs,
The bloody coons and bloody gins,
Should have their bloody heads bashed in,
I’m bloody Wilson bloody Tuckey,
The bloody Party’s bloody lucky,
To have a true blue Aussie ’round,
Who’ll grind these bloody bastards down.

The bloody feminists are bloody Nazis,
The bloody greenies are bloody arses,
The bloody weather’s not bloody changing,
It’s bloody hot or it’s bloody raining,
To bloody build a bloody town,
Bloody raze the bloody ground!
This bloody country’s bloody lucky,
To bloody have Ol’ Ironbar Tuckey.

Our bloody miners are bloody legends,
Bloody Gillard should pull her head in,
Her bloody tax is a bloody shocker,
She’s bloody off her bloody rocker,
She’s bloody got no bloody children!
What bloody world do we bloody live in?
The bloody country’s bloody stuffed,
And I’ve bloody had e-bloody-nuff!

These bloody terrorists on bloody boats,
They’re bloody proof shit bloody floats,
I’d bloody bring the bloody Navy,
To blow their bodies to bloody gravy,
It’s bloody them or bloody us,
Never bloody mind the fuss!
The bloody bastards can bloody starve!
Now where’d I put that old iron bar?

6 Comments

At the Press Club with Clive Palmer

Speaking to The Press Club recently about Kevin Rudd’s proposed S!U!P!E!R! M!I!N!I!N!G! T!A!X!, mining magnate and Professor, Dr. Clive Palmer had this to say …

Do you honestly believe that Jacques Cousteau spent all those decades sailing around the oceans of the world only to come home and be told he couldn’t sit down after a hard day’s work to a plate of fish fingers and a prawn cocktail or three because Wayne Swan had killed all the fish with this super resource tax?

That’s what Kevin Rudd and Wayne Swan are going to do! They’re going to kill all the fish with this tax, and the mums and dads of Australia won’t be able to give their kiddies a Nemo in a bag for Christmas because there won’t be any bloody Nemo’s left!

You only to have read “Mein Kampff” to realise that. Right there, there’s Kevin Rudd’s name, right next to The Mad Hatter and Mao Tse-Tung and that Gatsby bloke, the Robert Redford fella. Google it on Facebook, and you’ll find all those emails, right there, they’ll be staring you straight in the page of your face.

This government wants to take all our rocks and give them to Hugo Chavez! You know what he’s gonna do with them? He’s gonna throw ‘em at Tasmania! He’s gonna bomb the Salamanca Markets with the rocks we owned, the ones Kevin Rudd gave away, just because they make pies with scallops down there but all the scallops are dead, so now they’re making them with snails instead!

Why should ordinary, everyday Australians be forced to eat snails with their pie?!

A miner’s not a bird.

If a miner was a bird he’d be back up a tree chewing on a worm in Perth. Or a snail.

We don’t eat seeds.

We’re all about rocks, we make televisions out of them. And flying duck ornaments.

If Rudd and Swan get this tax over the line, your grandmother can wave goodbye to her ducks!

And we’ll just take our business elsewhere.

To Saturn.

There are these huge rings there, full of rocks, full of flying rocks, so we’ll just go there for our ducks.

We’ll take all the discarded fishnets that are useless now because they killed all the fish and we’ll catch rocks with them instead, we’ll throw them out of the spaceboat and make our ducks on Saturn.

Yes.

7 Comments

Stories we’ll never ever see #1

Games preparation way ahead of schedule

Australia’s International Games boss Mike Stanley believes Groupthinkland will provide a “most excellent” venue as fears are dimissed by one and all over construction delays for October’s games.

Australian International Games officials and representatives from competing sports are in Groupthinkland this week for further inspections of venues and arrangements in the capital.

Their visit comes as Mike Hooper, chief executive officer of the International Games Federation, told Reuters there was the potential for the stadiums to host local sporting events well before the Games start, such is the brilliant progress of the stadium construction.

The main stadium is ready all but for the hot dogs to be cooked, while the swimming pool is already warm and waiting for swimmers.

“I don’t need to sound alarmist, the reality is Groupthinkland has shat this in,” Hooper said.

Meanwhile the United States Government is satisfied that there is low risk of terrorist attack in Groupthinkland during the Games.

The US State Department is reassuring US citizens residing in or travelling to Grouthinkland that security issues related to the 2010 Football World Cup don’t extend beyond general tourism related issues such as theft or misadventure.

Groupthinkland Prime Minister Scott Bridges is very pleased with the progress of his country’s Games preparation.

He said credit was due to the previous government, which was in power when the Groupthinkland won the right to host the 2010 Games and started construction of facilities in ernest before losing the 2009 general election.

1 Comment

Maybe if we dig a moat?

On the plus side, voting in this year’s federal election just got a little easier.

AN Abbott government would buy three unmanned spy planes to use as weapons in its pledge to turn around illegal boat arrivals.

Opposition Leader Tony Abbott said the Global Hawk surveillance aircraft – costing between $40 million and $100 million each – would provide early detection of asylum seekers.

Because that is the rational thing to do. Spend $300 million on planes to catch leaky boats. In fact why stop at planes? I think we need surveillance satellites, the full resources of the navy and the air-force and the army and while we’re at it LET’S BUILD A GIANT WALL!

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: What happened to political discourse in this country where refugees are talked about like pests?

This year will be the first federal election where I will be able to exercise my democratic right to decide if I’d rather a turd sandwich and a giant douche, and I feel like it is a really bad election to pop my voting cherry with. I would have liked the 2007 election. Government change, revolution, excitement. Howard lost his seat after almost 12 years. Sure, the man we replaced him with turned out to be a giant douche, but we didn’t know that for sure at the time.

But this year, we have Rudd vs Abbott. We have seen them both in government before and they both stink. Hooray for democracy!

Also in that same story: Abbott can’t think of any reason not to sell uranium to India.

8 Comments

Cameron’s battlers

Battersea Power Station has been featured many times in music, film, television and even election launches over its 70 year history. Pink Floyd used it on the cover of their 1977 album Animals, Hitchcock used it as his opening shot for his 1936 film Sabotage and Margaret Thatcher used it (to fire a laser) and then announced that it would be demolished and turned into a theme park.

Thatcher and her developers demolished the roof and most of the walls nearly destroying it. I was lucky enough to be allowed inside in 2008 during an open day which showcased a community redevelopment of the station, restoring it and developing the surrounding area into housing, shops and parks.

The author re-launching a music device

The author re-launching a music device

As Anthony Painter points out:

On 6th June 1988 PM Margaret Thatcher fired a laser gun to signal the start of the John Broome theme park which he claimed would be opened on May 21st 1990 at 2:30pm. The site is still derelict over 20 years later.

Yesterday Tory leader, David Cameron, launched his Tory Party Manifesto at Battersea Power Station. I’m not quite sure the symbolism he is going for here. Many remarked via Twitter the irony of the launch being outside a “…hollowed out, crumbling relic”. But was Cameron using Battersea as a metaphor for New Labor?

I’m guessing he hopes people have short memories. Those who grew up in Thatcher’s Britain on the underside of the economic divide would see the irony – Thatcher used it as a metaphor to symbolise the misery of the underclass blaming union-controlled workforce and past socialist governments. Thatcher promised to turn Battersea and their lives into a wonderful theme park. “A fanfare of hype and superficial hope”.

Just like Howard won over his battlers by handing out cash like a drunken socialist, Cameron may be trying to re-brand himself using socialist imagery and spider pigs.

4 Comments

Dickhead of the Year Award Already Won

Compare and Contrast:

1. Gob from the hit DVD show ‘Arrested Development’ decides to become the centre of attention and breaks into jail and gets locked up then let out. Gains notoriety by featuring on the cover of coveted magic magazine “Poof”. Everyone laughs.

2. ‘Captain Bathune’ formerly of the decapitated ‘Ady Gill’ decides to become the centre of attention and breaks into the Japo whaling ship to perform a ‘Citizens Arrest’ on the Caption of the ship. Gains no notoriety, no front page, is a prisoner for the at least the next 2 months with no soap-on-a-rope. Everyone laughs.

Being a topical debator who can weigh up the twos and fros of port and starboard in both sides in a debate I would like to ask some pertinant questions in the ionosphere of the Internet. One being who gives a flying fuck about the Ady Gill dickhead? Two being did he watch the famed Police Academy movie “Citizens on Patrol” too many times? And more importantly, where are the David Hicks fan club and Get Up when he needs them?

Now, this whaling business is all over the news channels. And the Japs are being harpooned in our media for killing a fish. So? When Wayne and I did a tour of Werribee zoo when we were kids we hadn’t been fed by Wayne’s step mum for a few days. We saw an antelope walking around with a wound in it’s side and a bit of blood. Wayne and I were following that antelope around with our tongues hanging out waiting for it to drop dead so we could bring something home to eat. Did Africa try to put a citizens arrest on us? But I digress sort of.

Now I’m glad this hilarious tale of Captain Buffoon hasn’t been followed too much in the media and the David Hicks fan club haven’t rallied demanding Buffoon’s release. I hope those Japs are serving threee square meals of rare endangered whale for breakfast, lunch and tea. Maybe he will be released looking as fat as David Hicks. Further in the excellent Herald Sun article it’s investigative journalist also notes that Captain Buffoon handed the Japo Captain a bill for a cool 3 million. Is this where I insert the imaginary typewriter joke? LOL.

To sum up this debate I will like to end with a quote from the article in question:

“[Buffoon] opened the door and walked into the wheelhouse… that’s the last we’ve heard from him” a save the whales home and away actor said.

As the internets would say; Sea Shepherd FAIL, Captain Buffoon FAIL, Ady Gill FAIL, Debt Collection FAIL and Whaling WIN!

This is Trevor signing off.

Trevor.

7 Comments

We are all sub-editors now: results

I know I promised to judge the caption competition, like, ages ago but sweet Jesus I done been busy. Plus it was my birthday yesterday so there’s a bit of hangover action going on right now. Anyway, a bunch of quality entries has produced the following results:

In third place is Ant Rogenous.

SUCKHOSEY: An ’ard man is good to find, no?

EASTWOOD: French toast please.

Ant wins the entire Clint Eastwood back catalogue on Betamax.

In second place is reb.

You can let go of my arm now Mister President. That’s your prostate exam all done for another year.

reb wins the piece of Berlin Wall that Sarkozy reckons he chipped off on the day of its fall.

And our winner is David Bonnici with this corker.

Clint Eastwood is shocked to discover that his orangutan co-star from Every Which Way But Loose is actually a surrender monkey.

Clint Eastwood is shocked to discover that his orangutan co-star from Every Which Way But Loose is actually a surrender monkey.

David wins Clint Eastwood’s orangutan co-star from Every Which Way But Loose.

Well done, everyone!

1 Comment

A story that ought to be told

For materialists, ideas, ‘culture’, etc, are derived from, or, at the very least, have a basis in social and economic relations.

We know that relations socials and economic have changed greatly over the couple of decades, and nowhere more so than in those states formerly behind the Iron Curtain. The push toward what Australia’s PM calls ‘neoliberalism’ – namely, the alliance between government and capital against workers – has occurred everywhere, but has arguably been most ruthlessly pursued in many of the ex-communist states.

Maggie Thatcher, one of the leading practitioners of neoliberalism, famously quipped that ‘there is no such thing as society’. Perhaps she is being proven correct, in that societies have teetered on the brink of collapse directly in proportion to what geographer David Harvey calls ‘the commodification of everything’. Harvey argues that ‘the destruction of forms of social solidarity … leaves a gaping hole in the social order’, for which the ‘inevitable response is to reconstruct social solidarities’ leads to a revival of nationalism, fascism, and ‘authoritarian populism’. This blowback is the corollary of universal freedom of enterprise.

It is apropos of economic turmoil and social collapse that I bring you this story from Bulgaria, concerning a 23-year old Sydney man named Jock Palfreeman. The media has given Palfreeman’s situation little coverage, but The Daily Telegraph had this story:

Read the rest of this entry »

5 Comments

We are all sub-editors now

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for Groupthink’s first ever caption competition. Pretty simple, really: just submit your caption in the comments by 5pm Wednesday, and the panel of judges (me) will announce first, second and third places on Thursday.

Today’s photo comes from over the seas; a place the locals call “France”. In the photo, “French” President Nicolas Sarkozy is giving a movie star named Clint Eastwood (from some country called “the USA”) a medal for making movies or something. Clint Eastwood says that “France” is his second home, even though he doesn’t speak “French”, and Nicolas Sarkozy says that movies bring the two countries together even though they don’t really like each other.

Have at it!

eastwood

20 Comments

The smelliest tongues

Steve Clemons, who writes “The Washington Note” has closed comments on his blog and remarks –

The comments on my blog have grown increasingly vile — and are not in any way constructive, civil, fair-minded, or policy-oriented. I am turning them off …

… I’m off to Havana Cuba for a research trip for a few days and have no interest or time in playing hall monitor for folks who need to grow up …

… I have emphasized over and over again that I am too busy to blog, do my New America Foundation work, and be a nanny for those who are not mature enough to be able to manage a civil discussion here …

… Eventually, I will review the last few weeks of comments and remove every one of them that went over the line with extremely crass and demeaning language …

… If you folks grow up, we can turn this on — but it takes shared commitment and responsibility. I won’t tolerate those who can’t be civil — on all sides of these debates …

Read the rest of this entry »

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