The film was refused classification to be distributed in any form in the U.K. citing the following reasons (take a deep breath now) –

“This new work, The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence), tells the story of a man who becomes sexually obsessed with a DVD recording of the first film and who imagines putting the ‘centipede’ idea into practice. Unlike the first film, the sequel presents graphic images of sexual violence, forced defecation, and mutilation, and the viewer is invited to witness events from the perspective of the protagonist. Whereas in the first film the ‘centipede’ idea is presented as a revolting medical experiment, with the focus on whether the victims will be able to escape, this sequel presents the ‘centipede’ idea as the object of the protagonist’s depraved sexual fantasy.

The principal focus of The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence) is the sexual arousal of the central character at both the idea and the spectacle of the total degradation, humiliation, mutilation, torture, and murder of his naked victims. Examples of this include a scene early in the film in which he masturbates whilst he watches a DVD of the original Human Centipede film, with sandpaper wrapped around his penis, and a sequence later in the film in which he becomes aroused at the sight of the members of the ‘centipede’ being forced to defecate into one another’s mouths, culminating in sight of the man wrapping barbed wire around his penis and raping the woman at the rear of the ‘centipede’. There is little attempt to portray any of the victims in the film as anything other than objects to be brutalised, degraded and mutilated for the amusement and arousal of the central character, as well as for the pleasure of the audience. There is a strong focus throughout on the link between sexual arousal and sexual violence and a clear association between pain, perversity and sexual pleasure. It is the Board’s conclusion that the explicit presentation of the central character’s obsessive sexually violent fantasies is in breach of its Classification Guidelines and poses a real, as opposed to a fanciful, risk that harm is likely to be caused to potential viewers.”

Director Tom Six responded to the BBFC’s move, stating –

“Thank you BBFC for putting spoilers of my movie on your website and thank you for banning my film in this exceptional way. Apparently I made an horrific horror-film, but shouldn’t a good horror film be horrific? My dear people it is a fucking MOVIE. It is all fictional. Not real. It is all make-belief. It is art. Give people their own choice to watch it or not. If people can’t handle or like my movies they just don’t watch them. If people like my movies they have to be able to see it any time, anywhere also in the UK.”

I have not seen the first film and have no desire to, and this is simply because, as someone who regularly watches horror films, I want a horror film to scare the living shit out of me (so to speak), not make me reach for a fucking bucket or spend 90 minutes of my life going, “Ewwwwwww!”.

And I say this as someone who loves such fare as “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”, “Dawn of The Dead”, “The Walking Dead” and other such offerings, but the horror movie has most certainly come a long way since the relatively innocent days of “The Exorcist”, or “Rosemary’s Baby”, or “Carrie” or John Carpenter’s “The Thing”, and I find myself wondering whether the journey was worth it, considering the penchant of so many directors of horror films today to confuse “horror” with “gross-out” …

Natalie Haynes from The Independent …

“Perversely, the harder these films try to shock, the less the suspense: it just becomes a catalogue of ick. And that makes it difficult to stay emotionally engaged enough to be afraid. Human Centipede plays on a previously little-considered fear of compulsory coprophilia, which is disgusting, sure, but not frightening. The plot of Human Centipede II apparently centres on a sexual sadist who becomes obsessed with a DVD copy of the first movie. Chance would be a fine thing – I was being paid to watch it, and I still dozed off in the middle. It’s a movie that climaxes long before it ends, and you can’t even go and get popcorn to cheer yourself up, as your pervading response isn’t crippling terror, but vague nausea. And no one ever heard a creak on the stairs in the middle of the night and was paralysed by the fear of feeling a bit queasy. It’s surely time horror became horrifying again, and not just gross.”

It’s obvious that Six intended his film to be viewed by a general audience, either in cinemas or direct to DVD, and so I question the BBFC’s assumption that any commercially released film (or at least, those intended for commercial release) could, or would, pose a threat to the mental health of its audience – it’s not as if anyone is going to be forcibly dragged from the streets into the cinema by a pack of feral ushers and tied to a chair, their eyelids propped open by matchsticks. And for those who freely choose to watch it who may be appalled or repulsed at what they’re viewing, they have a choice of (a) getting up and leaving, or (b) hurling their cookies into their bucket of popcorn and then leaving. Or just not turning up in the first place.

But I would also question, not Six’s point (no film or book or piece of music needs a point to justify its existence or creation), but his intent.

And if the intent is simply to present a graphic visual catalogue of the variety of ghastly horrors one human being may inflict upon another or others for no particular reason other than that, then what we have here is little more than an example of fatally flawed storytelling, flawed in that there is simply no “story” to be told.

Hence we wind up with a lazy screenwriter and a lazy screenplay, one that comprises nothing more than one concept, or one thought, that starts with just that and goes no further.

By denying the characters development as characters beyond merely victim and torturer, we, as audience members, are also denied any opportunity to empathise with them, to form any relationship whatsoever, to involve ourselves, to care. And it would also seem, going by the BBFC’s summation above, that are we also being denied any sense of conflict within the characters themselves, that the obstacles that should typically prevent these characters from reaching their desired goals (however unpleasant they may be to us), and the ways and means by which they must overcome these obstacles, we have also been denied drama itself (for the drama arises from said conflicts and obstacles), and if there is no drama, what is it that is supposed to hold our attention for the duration?

Six defends his film as “art”, and yet if it is to be regarded as “art”, the absence of such vital ingredients necessary for a cohesive dramatic narrative would appear to relegate it to the realms of  video installation exhibit in a gallery somewhere, around the corner from Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”, or Serrano’s “Piss Christ” or Mike Parr’s documentations of self-mutilation.

As for the whine about “spoilers”, finding out that a character wraps barbed wire around his prick in order to rape a woman is not exactly a plot revelation up there with the concluding moments of “The Usual Suspects” or “Psycho”, and given the nature of the behaviour that this character has (apparently) exhibited thus far, probably wouldn’t raise so much as an eyebrow at this stage in proceedings.

Many reviews of Six’s first film (both from critics and viewers) dismissed it as “dull”, that most heinous of cinematic sins, and if it is so, then there can only be one culprit and one only – the script.

Writing a script is hellishly difficult at the best of times. That tantalising brain fart that popped one’s frontal lobes in the dead of night, that seemed so fresh, so original, so promising, will, more often than not, turn out to be little more than an unsustainable and insubstantial few pages of sound and fury, signifying nothing and with nowhere to go and fuck all to offer, a squealing flatline of stillborn celluloid. Ideas are easy. It’s doing something with them that’s hard work.

(I understand that all of the above is nothing more but mere assumption on my part, and rather arrogant assumption at that, given that I’ve seen neither film and probably won’t, so this is offered not as “criticism” as such, as it is food for thought or a beginning point for further discussion.)

Banning a film in this digital day and age is a rather futile and impotent act of bureaucratic interference anyway, given that anyone in the United Kingdom who may want to watch the film could, armed with the right knowledge and tools, very simply download the thing (as I understand it, it has already been classified for straight to DVD release in Australia), so this makes the BBFC’s decision more than a little baffling, to say the least …

Adam Sherwin from The Independent …

“Examiners do sometimes admit to feeling shellshocked at the weekly gathering. “It’s not the hardcore pornography and violence,” said the insider. “It’s children’s DVDs – having to watch five hours of Ivor The Engine.””

Maybe they were just having a bad day.

“Wot?”

“Were you in Christchurch yesterday when the earthquake hit?”

“Yes. I was ‘ere. I was ‘avin’ a wander about, eh? I was ‘avin’ me lunch, eh?”

“And how did you feel when it happened?”

“Wot? WOT?! … How did you fink I felt? Eh? … How do you fuckin’ fink I felt? Eh? Like ‘avin’ a fuckin’ party? You fink I wanted to have a fuckin’ party, go for a fuckin’ dance, you takin’ the piss? You takin’ the Michael? No no no no no no no no no no no no, I’m not ‘avin’ it, that’s bollocks that is, that’s bollocks. What you think this is, the Wheel of fuckin’ Fortune, you just turn up for a bit of a peep about, make your dough and fuck off out of it, and ask a lot of stupid fuckin’ questions?”

“Bloody hell, I – ”

“Why you swearin’? I’m not swearin’, am I?”

“I –“

“Shut up, cunt. You got some fuckin’ neck, ain’t you, you got some fuckin’ neck. Who do you fink you are? King of the castle? Cock of the walk? Quite frankly, your attitude appals me. It’s not wot you’re sayin’, it’s all this stuff you’re not sayin’ … You really fink I’m gonna have that, ya ponce?”

“I didn’t mean to create a, a, a problem, Mr, Mr …”

“Logan. Don. Don Logan … Problem? Problem?! You’re the problem! You’re the fuckin’ problem, you fucking Dr. White honkin’ jam-rag spunk bubble, I’m tellin’ you, you keep lookin’ at me, you keep lookin’ at me and askin’ me stupid fuckin’ questions like “How do I feel”, how do you fink I fuckin’ feel, I’ll put you in the fuckin’ ground, promise you!”

“ …”

“ …”

“ Um …”

“Shut up!”

“ …”

“I gotta change my shirt, it’s stickin’ to me … I’m sweatin’ like a cunt”.

Dont pretend you dont remember Jar Jar

Pre-1999 the reputation of Star Wars could not be higher. Three fantastic movies that formed a cohesive whole. Special effects thats aged extremely well for films that were 20 years old. The characters were funny and there was good chemistry between the actors. The biggest complaint was the role of Ewoks in the third act (and I for one still think the Ewoks are awesome, haters gonna hate).

All was going well in the lead up to the prequel trilogy, the production art from the official site looked incredible and the short teaser preview released in 1998 bumped up the anticipation (I even paid money for a ticket to A Bugs Life just to watch the preview, oh you quaint pre-fast internet days!)

And then the Phantom Menace was released and what we got was a hyperactive CGI infused shitfest with a confusing and illogical storyline, forgettable characters and Jar Jar fucking Binks. The following two movies slightly improved upon Phantom Menace but were still woefully bad compared to the original trilogy.

Option 2. The Matrix Sequels.

Millions of agent Smiths, somehow less interesting than one Agent Smith

The Matrix is a really cool movie. I like the inspired casting of Keanu Reeves. Keanu despite his 20 years in showbiz cant act for crap, but he can do confused, so what better way to cast him than as a person who’s life is turned upside down requiring him to act confused for the entire films running time. “There is no spoon” “I know Kung Fu” and so forth is all spoken with the same confused voice. But Keanu’s acting aside the first Matrix film is a rollicking good flick with a kick ass soundtrack.

And then the sequels. To be honest I’ve only seen them once most of what I remember was a strange dance that became an orgy and millions of Agent Smiths running around being annoying. And what was with the ending? There was no closure, a few of them died but the matrix program stayed online, probably just so they could sell their crappy MMO follow up.

So readers, which was more disappointing and why?

The original Tron is one of those movies that everyone has heard of, but very few people have actually seen. It wasnt a hit but is well known for being the first movie to rely heavily on CGI a full 13 years before Toy Story. I have tried to watch it, twice and although it is obvious that the technology for the effects were cutting edge for their day, but now they look like something that came out of an Atari 2600. It didnt really have an engaging story from what I could tell beyond “computer guy gets zapped into computer and learns to play digital frisbee and motorcycle against bad digital people”.

Nostalgia being what it is, with even Tron getting a cult following Disney greenlit a sequel with the hope that cashed up 80′s babies like myself (minus the cashed up) would pay 25 bucks to see a 3D sequel.

So whats the latest one about? The kid of the guy from then first Tron movie is fatherless after his dad got sucked into Tron 20 years back. The dads software company has since turned into an arrogant Apple or Microsoft instead of a fun loving video game developer and the son is a motorbike riding warez fiend who steals the companies new OS and shares it via torrents before it is officially released. Topical. Oh and he has an iPhone like smartphone too.

Kid follows a message from his long lost dad and gets sucked into the computer world where bits and bytes are like living people, or something.

Seriously did anyone who saw this not only follow the story, but actually like it? Bits and bytes that dont follow the orwellian rule of the leader of the computer world are forced to fight in gladitorial games of frisbee and motorcycles, just like the first film. The computer people that lose the games are then erased, which made me think if every time I format by hard drive I might be committing a virtual holocaust? I guess the hard thing about making characters out of computer people is it is hard to make them interesting. All of the dialogue between the characters of the Tron world kind of falls flat.

Luckily most of the movie isnt spend talking but riding around on lightcycles and blowing things up to the music of Daft Punk in funky 3D. This is where the movie truly shines. As a narrative I’d give it two meh’s out of five, but as a 3D feature length Daft Punk film clip its a solid three stars. Spoiler alert, the good guys win and the kid takes a computer girl out of Tron and into the real world, which begs the question, what does a computer girl from Tron have for genitalia?

But I’ll leave the final word to Homer Simpson.

In 1994, the film “Forrest Gump”, a stinking suckhole of simple-minded, stickily sickly, sentimental celluloid bullshit celebrating the very fortunate adventures of a very fortunate moron on his slack-jawed path to celebrity, where ignorance is bliss and stupidity redemptive and a film in which the whole of life was simply a choice between the fucking toffee or the fucking cherry marzipan, won the Academy Award for Best Picture, Director, Actor, Special Visual Effects and Editing.

It was nominated for Best Support Actor, Art Direction, Cinematography, Special Sound Effects, Makeup, Music, and Sound.

Now do you get the picture?

He also says his favourite show to watch on TV in his cell isTwo And A Half Men because the teenage boy in the show reminds him of his son.

Why do you watch it?

New Zealand prime minister John Key says the Hobbit movies will be filmed in his country after a deal was struck with Hollywood studio Warner Brothers.

The government will change laws covering film workers and will give producers extra financial incentives of more than $20 million.

And what exactly are they giving them?

The prime minister says legislation will be introduced into parliament tomorrow to ensure film industry workers are classified as independent contractors rather than employees.

Which translates to: “work longer hours, get paid less and have far fewer entitlements”

A national government protecting the interests of a multibillion dollar foreign company over the work entitlement’s of their citizens. Well, you know what they say: there’s no business like show business.

1. When people throw pills into their mouths and don’t wash them down with water.
2. When people don’t say “goodbye” before hanging up the phone.
3. When people don’t lock the doors of their cars before leaving them.
4. When people push food around their plates for several minutes without putting any in their mouths.
5. When people are very obviously drunk or stoned and then miraculously sober or straighten up in the blink of an eye.

Feel free to add to this list.

Farmer’s Daughter’s: Good. A coming of age story about a farmer who is in debt to a bank and is about to lose his farm in the midwest. He has 3 lovely daughters (one is a virgin) and one day a man knocks on the door whose car has broken down on the highway. He tells the farmer he is a travelling salesman and after a few drinks comes up with a plan to save the Farmer’s farm. You see, he sells porn and together the farmer films his daughters having sex with the travelling salesman so they can sell the film. Top watch.

Avatar: Shithouse. Just proves that gimmicks still work in the 21st century. Before James Camerson’s next film he will hand out cool aid.

Man on Wire: Good. A story about a frog who can leap tall buildings in a single bound.

Tyson: Good. One for all the family. A story about a boy genius who knew at a young age he was destined for gaol. But fucken hell he can punch quick. There is footage of him being trained by old man Cus and he punches the heavy bag 5 times quicker than a blink.

Nineteen 84: Confusing.

Just Married: Good. Fine acting from Brittany Murphey RIP and Ashton Coucher. A story with many turns and with a twist of lemon. Intelligent film making with original storyline and premise. The cinematography is par excellance.

Accidental Goat Sodomy: Shithouse.

Juno: Shithouse. Boring dialouge. Boring actress. Sounds like it was written by a stripper. Not original.

Sherlock Homes: Shithouse. Sherlock Homes went after the hound of the baskervilles not a bloke who could do devil magic.

Deadwood: ? My DVD player doesn’t have subtitles.

The James Reyne Story (Starring James Reyne): Good. What more could a bloke want?

Thanks for listening to my film reviews. If you want to debate my points there is a comment section below. All you have to do is type in your opinions and make up a name for yourself. Please provide a valid email address if you’re a bird so I can chat via email later on.

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