Archive for category Crime

So what Movie Studio is responsible for this?

by Trevor McDonald on 3 August 2010
Categories: Crime, Technology, The Internet | Tags: , , , ,

This does need saying but I am not an Olympian. And this seems to be the work of a bloke called Eric Bana whose employers at Hollywood will be very embarrassed to find they are involved with and engaging in more slurs than my brother Wayne after a dozen 440ml cans of the Woodstock and coke Burbon cans.

It’s no secret that Bana and Hollywood are run by the Leftists from the cartoon revolution of Mikey Mouse to the 3d revolution of the greenist films Avatars and Inception (wind farms).

I’ve could name ten Eric Banas but I won’t.

So Eric, you’d better remove your parody of Trevor McDonald or I will be forced to sick Mel Gibson’s russian bride on you.

You have been warmed.

Trevor McDonalds.

3 Comments

They got the wrong guy

by Spock... on 23 June 2010
Categories: Crime | Tags: , ,

Groupthink can reveal this morning that police have arrested the wrong man in connection to the Gunman in Melbourne two days ago.

Well dressed hipster being led away by police

Well dressed hipster being led away by police

How do we know?
There is absolutely no way that that man, with his stylish bed-head, unbuttoned shirt and well fitting jacked could possibly be this guy:

[police] said he was wearing a dark jacket with a red or orange T-shirt and silver trackpants.

Police, you’re welcome.

6 Comments

Implants Needed

by Trevor McDonald on 8 April 2010
Categories: Crime, Immigration, Society | Tags: , ,

Reader, fan and art collector (my brother Wayne) texts:

Oy gruesome it looks like age is catching up with me and I need the ashley and martins implants like greg matthews and I need to liquidate my very recently purchased art quick smart. I will take ANY REASONABLE OFFER for my collection of fine art that you won’t find in most cash converters.

Offers can be left in the comments box function.

haybalesnewsteadballaratrd_thumb

Read the rest of this entry »

6 Comments

The Ultimate Gayification

by Trevor McDonald on 25 March 2010
Categories: Crime, Health, Media, Society | Tags: , , , , ,

Gidday. Regular readers of this blog (if there are any) would have familiarisation with one of my social commentary themes “The Gayification of [insert topic]“. I brung you the Gayifaction of Men and the Gayifaction of Men x2. And know now my wig his flipped 360 [small zero]. Three of my favourite topics: The Comedy Festival,  Facebook and Christianity have been Gayified with the coming together of a perverse, deeply disturbing and insulting to all disenfranchised blokes “show” called “Faithbook”. A Gayification to top all other Gayifiactions.

De Vinci would roll in his grave

De Vinci would roll in his grave

Now, I have rallied against this kind of thing before with women and their right to vote. With that one I’m gaining ground but it seems I am losing ground with my Gayification topical debate. So I, Trevor McDonald, propose that we as a collective group of blokes protest against our own oppression and not turn our blind eyes to the discrimination we as blokes are facing in the gym toilets, on the Internet and in the public toilets across our street. I am sick of being treated as a second class citizen by the conspiracy to Gayify our nation and its institutes. I am Trevor here me roar.

Tickets for the protest against this suggestiveness and Gayification are available through Ticketmaster (a tool of Leftists Gays) by clicking on this —> hyperlink function. I hope to see youse there some nights and at the Glasshouse for a beer after the show.

Trevor.

No Comments

Dickhead of the Year Award Already Won

by Trevor McDonald on 17 February 2010
Categories: Crime, Environment, Foreign matter, Media | Tags: , , , ,

Compare and Contrast:

1. Gob from the hit DVD show ‘Arrested Development’ decides to become the centre of attention and breaks into jail and gets locked up then let out. Gains notoriety by featuring on the cover of coveted magic magazine “Poof”. Everyone laughs.

2. ‘Captain Bathune’ formerly of the decapitated ‘Ady Gill’ decides to become the centre of attention and breaks into the Japo whaling ship to perform a ‘Citizens Arrest’ on the Caption of the ship. Gains no notoriety, no front page, is a prisoner for the at least the next 2 months with no soap-on-a-rope. Everyone laughs.

Being a topical debator who can weigh up the twos and fros of port and starboard in both sides in a debate I would like to ask some pertinant questions in the ionosphere of the Internet. One being who gives a flying fuck about the Ady Gill dickhead? Two being did he watch the famed Police Academy movie “Citizens on Patrol” too many times? And more importantly, where are the David Hicks fan club and Get Up when he needs them?

Now, this whaling business is all over the news channels. And the Japs are being harpooned in our media for killing a fish. So? When Wayne and I did a tour of Werribee zoo when we were kids we hadn’t been fed by Wayne’s step mum for a few days. We saw an antelope walking around with a wound in it’s side and a bit of blood. Wayne and I were following that antelope around with our tongues hanging out waiting for it to drop dead so we could bring something home to eat. Did Africa try to put a citizens arrest on us? But I digress sort of.

Now I’m glad this hilarious tale of Captain Buffoon hasn’t been followed too much in the media and the David Hicks fan club haven’t rallied demanding Buffoon’s release. I hope those Japs are serving threee square meals of rare endangered whale for breakfast, lunch and tea. Maybe he will be released looking as fat as David Hicks. Further in the excellent Herald Sun article it’s investigative journalist also notes that Captain Buffoon handed the Japo Captain a bill for a cool 3 million. Is this where I insert the imaginary typewriter joke? LOL.

To sum up this debate I will like to end with a quote from the article in question:

“[Buffoon] opened the door and walked into the wheelhouse… that’s the last we’ve heard from him” a save the whales home and away actor said.

As the internets would say; Sea Shepherd FAIL, Captain Buffoon FAIL, Ady Gill FAIL, Debt Collection FAIL and Whaling WIN!

This is Trevor signing off.

Trevor.

7 Comments

A story that ought to be told

by David F on 24 November 2009
Categories: Crime, Foreign matter, Society | Tags: , , , ,

For materialists, ideas, ‘culture’, etc, are derived from, or, at the very least, have a basis in social and economic relations.

We know that relations socials and economic have changed greatly over the couple of decades, and nowhere more so than in those states formerly behind the Iron Curtain. The push toward what Australia’s PM calls ‘neoliberalism’ – namely, the alliance between government and capital against workers – has occurred everywhere, but has arguably been most ruthlessly pursued in many of the ex-communist states.

Maggie Thatcher, one of the leading practitioners of neoliberalism, famously quipped that ‘there is no such thing as society’. Perhaps she is being proven correct, in that societies have teetered on the brink of collapse directly in proportion to what geographer David Harvey calls ‘the commodification of everything’. Harvey argues that ‘the destruction of forms of social solidarity … leaves a gaping hole in the social order’, for which the ‘inevitable response is to reconstruct social solidarities’ leads to a revival of nationalism, fascism, and ‘authoritarian populism’. This blowback is the corollary of universal freedom of enterprise.

It is apropos of economic turmoil and social collapse that I bring you this story from Bulgaria, concerning a 23-year old Sydney man named Jock Palfreeman. The media has given Palfreeman’s situation little coverage, but The Daily Telegraph had this story:

Read the rest of this entry »

5 Comments

Man finds 100 grand and keeps it

by Ross Sharp on 7 November 2009
Categories: Crime, Society | Tags: , ,

“Bugger the Good Samaritan”, said the man, who wishes to remain anonymous for obvious reasons.

“There it was, in 50’s and 20’s, in a plain bag, no identification, no sign of where or who it may have come from. I found it on the way to work, called in sick, and took it home.”

What was the first thing that crossed your mind after finding it, we asked the man, whom we shall call Ross Sharp*, “My first thoughts were, I owe a few grand on the credit card, I’ve got a personal loan with about 6 months left to run, and I need a new lounge suite. The one I got I picked up from Vinnie’s for two hundred bucks about five years ago. I’m keeping this cash.”

Mr. Sharp continued, “I compared the notes to a couple I had in my wallet with a magnifying glass just to make sure there was nothing dodgy about it, if it was marked or counterfeit. It looked fine. I checked about a hundred notes. They weren’t consecutive serial numbers either, so that was good. I realised if I shoved a hundred grand into my bank account that it would probably draw a bit of attention, especially from the A.T.O., so I decided to do what all good legitimate businessmen and property developers do when they’re laundering drug profits and run it through a casino**”.

“I figured I could run ten grand a month through the tables and accept a loss of twenty cents on the dollar. I’d take the eight to the cashier and get them to write a cheque for it, and take that to my bank.”***

“I did that for 6 months. There was one month, I actually fucking won. I took ten grand, and won six. Fucking brilliant!”, Mr. Sharp continued. “And I didn’t run it all through, I bought a few things with the cash. The new lounge suite? It’s a three-piece, hand-tooled red leather, they wanted two thousand eight for it, for cash I beat them down to two thousand two.”

We asked Mr. Sharp if he felt any guilt about keeping the money.

“Are you fucking kidding me? Look, if someone’s dumb enough to lose a hundred grand, I’m not going to be dumb enough to hand it in. You can shove all this “what if” moralising claptrap. I’m not going to pretend I’m some upstanding, holier-than-thou, philanthropic sunbeam for Jesus, some honest-to-goodness legit national hero, like a Richard Pratt. I caught a break and I ran with it.”

Where to from here, Mr. Sharp?

“Well, I don’t have any debt anymore which feels fucking fantastic, I can tell you. I’ve got a flat full of nice new furniture, I bought a small car, and next year I’m taking a trip to the United States. I’ve always wanted to go. I’m a big fan of “The Wire”, so I’m going to spend a couple days in Baltimore, the nice parts.”

Thank you, Mr. Sharp.

“That money changed my life. I’m fucking stoked. Everything came up roses for once!”

 

*Not his actual name. No relation to this reporter.

**This reporter is not suggesting legitimate business figures and property developers launder proceeds from drug importation and sales through casinos.

***Would this work? Please let this reporter know. I’ve never gambled at a casino.

13 Comments

I am not a deadshit. Buy my new book to find out why.

by Ross Sharp on 30 October 2009
Categories: Crime, Media | Tags: , , , , ,

We here at Groupthink Books Ltd (a wholly owned subsidiary of Groupthink Industries & Holdings Incorporated) have noticed the recent trend in the publication of biographies and autobiographies by and about a whole bunch of “who-the-fuck?” deadshits and we thought we’d hop on the bandwagon before the market in “who-the-fuck?” deadshits dried up and fucked off out of it.

For example, there’s this one guy who made a living pushing a ball around a paddock with his foot and had some substance abuse issues and allegedly roughed up his girlfriend who has “written” a book just to let people know he is not a deadshit.

His name is Wayne. He’s misunderstood, that’s all, and it hurts. It hurts real bad. Poor Wayne.

There’s this woman who married a fat bloke and fucked him till he got caught for killing people. She’s “written” a book about it just in case people had the wrong impression and thought less of her because of her lifestyle choices. She too would like everyone to know that she is not a deadshit.

Her name is Roberta. She’s misunderstood, that’s all, just another true-blue little Aussie battler trying to make a go of things and it hurts. Poor Roberta.

Then there’s this other guy. His name is Mick Gatto. Just because he used to hang around with crooks and do God-only-knows-what for a living, doesn’t mean Mick is a deadshit.

So Mick has “written” a book too. To let everyone know he’s just very misunderstood. Poor Mick.

Nowadays, Mick is thought of as Australia’s answer to Sam Giancana.

Australia’s answer to “The Grapes of Wrath” is “The Castle”, just in case you need a little perspective on that. Australia’s answer to David Attenborough is Steve Irwin if you need a little more. Australia’s answer to Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow would probably be a couple of teenage shoplifters in fucking Minto.

Groupthink Books Ltd (a wholly owned subsidiary of Groupthink Industries & Holdings Incorporated) has always prided itself on publishing works of literature. Which is to say, books that are actually written by the person whose name is on the cover.

Fuck that for a joke.

Because it’s pretty obvious to anyone who’s had the misfortune to hear any of these three “so-not-deadshits” speak publicly that none of them could probably write the word “penis” on a toilet wall without a spellcheck and an editor present.

So, bugger the literature, we’re pulping the lot, tearing up all our contracts, and putting the freaks up front.

We’ve decided to hire three ghostwriters on a permanent, rotating-shift basis and set them about the writing of books about deadshits who’ve never actually done much or achieved anything of lasting worth for anyone’s benefit other than their own and who never shut up about it.

We’re calling this series “Deadshit Dialogues” and currently have 24 “books” slated for publication during 2010, all of which will be entitled “My Life” just to keep things nice and simple for the common folk.

We here at Groupthink Books Ltd (a wholly owned subsidiary of Groupthink Industries & Holdings Incorporated) are confident that our brave new publishing initiative will bring about a much needed revolution in the book industry in these troubled times. Which is to say, the continuing publication of stacks and stacks and stacks and stacks of books by and about a whole bunch of “who the fuck?” deadshits who deserve to be known and understood by squillions. That’s what they say, anyway.

So you can take “Dreams From My Father” and shove it up your arse.

Why on earth would anyone want to read about some random fucker who became the first African-American President of the United States when you can read all about the life and times of an aging and overweight ex-boxer who used to hang around with crooks in pubs and cafes pretending to be characters from a Mario Puzo novel?

That’s real life, that is. You think you know what real life is all about? You don’t know jack shit.

But now, courtesy of Groupthink Books Ltd (a wholly owned subsidiary of Groupthink Industries & Holdings Incorporated) new “Deadshit Dialogues” series, you can read all about real life and get yourself some right and proper learnings fixed to your learnin’ organ (that spongy thing inside your head, up on top).

Because books about people who actually achieve things in life aren’t worth a pinch of shit, quite frankly.

7 Comments

My drug hell

by Ross Sharp on 27 October 2009
Categories: Crime, Politics | Tags: , , , , ,

Hi everybody!

My name is Ross! And this here’s the tale of My Drug Hell!

Now, there’s been times in my life when I’ve taken an illegal drug and even though I’m feelin’ rootin’-tootin’ right now, I’m pretty dang sure my past criminal behaviour and degenerate indulgences will come back anyday now and bite me somethin’ fierce on my ass. Why, this time tomorrow my whole body could erupt in a sea of festering ulcers and suppurating sores and boils spitting out stringy spumes of custard coloured pus fifty inches high and I’d have to spend the rest of my life sleeping on rubber sheets and use up all my retirement money on paper towels just cause I took some drugs back in the day.

Read the rest of this entry »

8 Comments

Get your knob or blood sucked

by Trevor McDonald on 25 October 2009
Categories: Crime | Tags: , ,

For those who don’t know me I am (what is known) in some circles as the “Topical Debator of the year”. But rather than look in the mirror and see my own reflection I would like to blow the lid off a story where peoples ideas are confused with missing the real story.

Most people who read Melbourne’s top circulating news and analysis publication what used to be known as the Sun (in the morinings) and the Herald (in the night) the Herald Sun is stoking the story of Melbournes underworld crimes and darkside.  One of the lesser known story’s that has been doing the rounds for sometime is the case over the murder of a vampire/male prostitute called Shane Chartres Abbot or Shane Abbot or Trixie as he was known in Banana Alley where he would turn tricks in some fanstastic looking gowns and wigs and makeup and hang upside down. His skin glimmered in gold speckeled moisturiser like the Vampire from “Twilight”.

Why the coppers really want to bury this one is that the vampire prostitiute was what is known as a “dog” not be confused with a warewolf (but he was first and for most a vampire/prostitute). He was giving the coppers secret information and informing on crims and was also being blackmaled.

Now the coppers want to charge a bloke called Mark Adrian Perry with his murder. Now in my capacity as an advocate (I half been a character witness for my dickhead brother Wayne on many occasions) I would like to take the side of Mark Adrian Perry. Why do youse aske? Well how the fuck do the coppers know the vampire hooker is dead? Was a steak found at the scene? Was his head removed? Was there the smell of garlic and or crosses? Was there a pile of ashes were his body once lay?

Now as you pick your preconcieved thoughts about this story up off the floor, I bet none of you though thought of that. And that’s what the coppers are counting on to because they are as bent as Wayne’s knob.

In Hollywood and on the tv Vampires are the flavour of the month at the moment but is seems that the truth is that under Melbourne and possibly in the vaults of Banana Alley, Vampires are getting blackmaled by the coppers and blokes are being charged with murder who have not done the crime. Youse be the judges?

4 Comments