This is the bit where I introduce myself, try to play down the formality and kind of make out we’re friends despite the fact I don’t know you personally and this letter is actually a passive-aggressive way to criticise you in front of everyone who’ll read this. I could have sent you a personal message, but then no one would know I’m doing this. In the end it’s all about me.

Now I’ll offer up my credentials to give this exercise some credibility and to show what has driven me to write this letter. Anyone can complain about your actions but I have X amount of exposure to this issue and the poor people who will suffer from your decision. I’m doing this for them after all.

Despite what I just wrote in the previous paragraph I’ll play down my credentials a little so I don’t seem as bigheaded as I am. I’ll even crack a self-depreciating joke to acknowledge we’re not all perfect, but have good intentions at heart.

Aha, caught you off guard! Now I go for the kill and tell you why you’re wrong.

• This is now
• A good time
• To put my objections
• In point form.

Now I’ve made a fool of you, I’ll try reasoning by pointing out that “as you can see” all my points are right. I’ll pretend to think you’re indeed a reasonable person and that you had no idea of the repercussions of your decision until I wrote this open letter to you. I am actually doing you and the world a big favour.

Then I’ll sign off with a subtle warning about not heeding my “advice”, and finally end this exercise with a rather insincere …

Yours Sincerely

David Bonnici

Job Title that gives me the self-authority to write this

“Charity begins at home” people yell in the direction of the Third-World beneficiaries of hundreds of millions of dollars in Australian foreign aid.

Charity begins at home; they sound like the kind of words grandma would say, a quaint idiom designed to teach young people the way of the world. However, such proverbs are usually designed to offer moral value rather than encourage concept such as ‘to hell with everyone else’.

So where did it come from?

It’s actually part of a longer saying by Sir Thomas Browne, who in 1642 wrote, within his first book Religio Medici:

“But how shall we expect charity towards others, when we are uncharitable to ourselves? ‘Charity begins at home,’ is the voice of the world; yet is every man his greatest enemy, and, as it were, his own executioner.”

Browne’s eloquent prose was a big up yours to the selfishness, yet four centuries later those four words are repeatedly used out of context to justify it by people oblivious of the irony.

Herald Sun:  THE Government will send a specially charted Qantas flight to Cairo to evacuate Aussie (sic) trapped amid the anarchy in Egypt.

The Age:  Government to evacuate Australians in Egypt

ABC News: The Federal Government is sending a plane to evacuate Australians stranded in Egypt as violent protests continue to rock the country.

The Australian: THE Gillard government has organised a Qantas charter flight to evacuate Australians trapped by the political crisis in Egypt.

What the hell am I on about? This scene from Series 5 of The Wire explains it beautifully.

“A building can be evacuated. To evacuate that person is to give that person an enema.”

Which gives this line in The Age story a whole new tragic angle: Prime Minister Julia Gillard says Australians trapped in Egypt can evacuate aboard a government-chartered Qantas flight on Wednesday.

Expect a long wait for the toilets.

A million people died in the potato famine. Ireland is an island. An island by definition is surrounded by fish. A million people died because they didn’t like fish.

So true!

MAKING A SPLASH: A Sydney Airport aircraft lavatory service worker battles to clear the dangerous blockage that caused the latest in a litany of airborne dramas to plague Australia's embattled national airline. Photo: Mora Cliches

Passengers have spoken of their fear when a blocked toilet on a Qantas 747 meant first class passengers had to share ablutions with some economy passengers.

The fault that sent effluent spilling onto a toilet floor during a Qantas flight to Argentina forced the plane to return to Sydney in the latest of a series of  problems to beset the airline.

Flight QF17, bound for Buenos Aires with 199 passengers, flew out of Sydney at 11.11am yesterday, but was forced to turn back one hour into the flight because of the plumbing fault.

It is the fifth in-flight or pre-flight incident for the airline since an engine exploded during a Sydney-bound flight from Singapore 11 days ago.

Passengers said they first became aware of any problem after an unpleasant odour wafted through the aircraft and cabin crew put an “out of order” sign on the door of the toilet, located near the middle of the aircraft, not far from the wing and potentially deadly Rolls Royce engines.

It was then the captain announced the plane, acquired by the airline in 2003 (two years after the deadly 9-11 attacks in the United States that killed more than 3000 people) was turning back to Sydney, where it was cleared to make a priority landing in heavy rain at 1.22pm.

First class passenger Terence Pratt, a Sydney lawyer, said passengers became concerned when they noticed the economy passengers using the first class toilets.

”We were pretty bloody concerned and they did tell us it would be all OK, but we weren’t sure,” he said. ”They even opened the curtains between first class and economy.

“It really hit home when we landed and the plane was met by aircraft lavatory service trucks with orange lights flashing. It was like something from those old Airport movies. I think I’ll buy a Tatts ticket this week.”

Arrangements were then made to have all passengers on another plane that flew out at 5pm. However, that flight was then delayed by an hour and a half because of runway problems at Sydney Airport. An unnamed aviation expert said it is no coincidence that the runway at Sydney’s Kingsford Smith Airport is used by Qantas aircraft everyday; some of which have been maintained overseas.

”It is certainly frustrating,” said another passenger, Jack Meeoff. He said the first time they were given a reason for turning back was when the captain walked through the aircraft after they had landed to inspect the stricken toilet and complained that his new RM Williams boots were ruined.

A Qantas spokesman said engineers would determine the cause of the incident. He rejected reports the aircraft lost toilet pressure because someone had laid a log the size of a Dachshund.

The matter had also been referred to the Civil Aviation Safety Authority, the Air Transport Safety Bureau and Sydney Water.

Apologies to the SMH.

This of course started a new round of migrant bashing with lines such as, if people want to live in Australia they should observe “Australian traditions”. Such comments were only some of the foolish innacuracies surrounding this solemn day that I observed on Twitter, heard on radio and suffered on the Herald Sun website, and shall attempt to correct below.

1. It’s Remembrance Day, not Rememberance Day.

2. Remembrance Day remembers all who died in war including civilians; not just soldiers.

3.  It does not glorify war. It remembers those who died and presses home the futility of war.

4. Remembrance Day is not exclusive to Australia; I really want to stress that.

5. The day is observed on 11 November to recall the official end of World War I on that date in 1918, as the major hostilities of World War I were formally ended “at the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month” of 1918 with the German signing of the Armistice. (Note the references to WORLD war).

6. It has since become a day to remember those lost in all wars.

7. It is officially observed in more than a dozen countries including Germany. These are: Australia, Barbados, Belgium, Bermuda, Canada, France, Germany, Hong Kong, Italy, Ireland, The Netherlands, New Zealand, Poland, South Africa, Sri Lanka, United Kingdom and the United States.

8. The Poppy is a symbol of the day because it blooms on the Battle Fields of France and Belgium. Their red colour symbolises the blood spilled.

9. Putting a free poppy Twibbon on your Twitter avatar to “support Remembrance Day” in no way supports Remembrance Day or its associated charities.

OK, I’ll be as tactful as possible here. Last night I was with my gorgeous girlfriend helping her cook dinner when I got an offer that most guys know never to refuse. Trouble was I had two beautiful yearling T-bone steaks sizzling away, ready to be turned. Unlike, say, a curry you can’t turn the flame off and come back to a steak, which has to be cooked and eaten without interruption save for a few minutes settle time. So, as grateful as I was, I had to decline this unexpected offer given the circumstances.

I was asked what else would make me say no to such an advance. “I don’t know,” I replied. “Maybe if the house was on fire.”

So, guys, given that men live by the motto, “The one you knock back is one you’ll never get”, what circumstances would make you say no to a “Donald Duck”?

*I posed this question to male readers because women don’t require excuses to say no to their partners.

When choosing a raceday outfit ask yourself "what would Jen wear"?

Form and function

All race meetings during the Spring Racing Carnival are held during the day, yet that doesn’t stop women flocking to the lawns wearing evening wear. You’re spending a whole day exposed to the elements so you should dress accordingly. Skimpy cocktail dresses just don’t cut it. You want an outfit that says “I am confident and ready for anything”, however the common message relayed through racing attire is “I am a Latvian prostitute”.

Dress for the weather. Invest in an ensemble that includes a jacket or coat. Alternatively you should have a matching trench coat on hand – this looks fantastic with a ’60s style fitted dress. Just ensure the skirt is a bit longer than the coat so you don’t look like a flasher. In general your skirt should be no shorter than just above knee, especially if you’re going to sit on the lawn – you’re not visiting your gynaecologist.

If it’s hot avoid bare shoulders unless you’re wearing a wide brimmed hat – though if you’re strapless and wearing a fascinator the chronic sunburn you’ll suffer is God’s way of having a laugh.

The reveal

As far as guys are concerned, fashion labels, designers and fabrics mean bugger all when compared to the cleavage your dress shows, so be sure to show a bit. However, don’t reveal too much flesh and ensure your puppies are held firm and don’t jump around like a stallion at the starting gate. Maintain some mystery and keep it classy ladies. Sideboob is a definite no no! You’re going to the races, not the Brownlow Medal!

Remember, smart is sexy; cute is sexy. Deliberate sexy isn’t sexy.

Wearing a dress that looks like a petticoat adds to the indignity.

Colours

Go the opposite of what you’d wear at night. Don’t even think of wearing the bridesmaid dress you wore at your sister’s wedding. Pastels, floral prints, and pale earthen tones always work well outdoors, while polka dots are great if you want to display more vibrant hues. That said, feel free to consider darker or vivid colours if you have lovely pale skin; this is a far better option than Oompa Loompa-inducing fake tan – navy, shocking pink and purple work well. Try to avoid black, which is so common in Melbourne all year. This is a great time to express yourself with a bit of colour without looking like some Gold Coast trollop.

Footwear

You want your shoes to be stylish, but be sure that you select a pair that you’ll able to wear home. Shoes slung over sunburned shoulders at 5pm are a pathetic look regardless of how drunk you are. And think safety – walking across the lawn at Flemington at the end of proceedings means risking exposure to broken bottles, food scraps and all manner of bodily fluids.

Accessories

Your dress, bag and hat only need complement each other and don’t all have to be the same colour or pattern. If you take a bag make sure it’s easy to carry and keep secure. A clutch can be risky if you’re going to drink a lot. Remember, while you will be most concerned if you lose your bag, no one will give a shit except maybe some guy trying to hit on you – though even he will be pretending.

If you want to stand out a little try an elegant pair of matching silk gloves.

Fancy dress

Only a fuckwit would go to the races in fancy dress. And there is a special place in Hell reserved for those who attend in fancy dress as a group with the one themed look.

Under the shocking headline “Julia Gillard won’t be attending the Melbourne Cup” the story reads:

THE race that stops the nation won’t stop Julia Gillard’s most important overseas meeting so far.

While the focus will be on Flemington for the 150th running of the Melbourne Cup on November 2, the PM will be in Jakarta for high-level meetings about regional and global challenges with Indonesian politicians, including President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono.

Ms Gillard has instructed her staff to keep her regularly updated about events at Flemington while she holds talks about asylum seekers and people smuggling, security and anti-terrorism co-operation, the economy, environment, trade and education.

Ms Gillard leaves Australia next Friday to attend an Asian leaders summit in Hanoi, Vietnam, and has decided to squeeze in important meetings in Malaysia and Indonesia on her way home so she does not miss any sitting of Parliament.

Fair enough. The PM misses the Melbourne Cup to attend high level talks in Asia. Nothing wrong with that – so why does the Herald Sun then invite readers to comment with the following question: Should the PM be at the 150th Cup? Tell us below – despite the fact, as the story later points out that “No PM has attended the Melbourne Cup for many years.”

So what is the point of this story or the question posed to readers, apart from perhaps to provide an opportunity for people to take cheap shots.