My penis has never been anywhere it wasn’t invited to go.

It’s a well-behaved penis, my penis is.

It doesn’t whip itself out at inappropriate moments and try to stick itself inside a girl just because a girl happens to be nearby.

That would be rude.

When I’ve been in a relationship, there were times when I’d felt like putting my penis inside the girl I was with and moving it around some, but the girl wasn’t up for it, so I didn’t. And sometimes, the girl I was with would want me to put my penis inside her and move it around some, but I didn’t feel like it. Sometimes, people would rather just get a good night’s sleep. Maybe read a book.

There’s some people though, they’d put their penis inside a woodpile and move it around some just on the odd chance there might be a warm snake inside.

Or a chipmunk.

I’ve never fucked a chipmunk.

How about you?

John Boehner, the Republican Speaker for the House of Representatives, the guy with the baby-poo tan job and the hyperactive tear ducts, reckons the penis is getting a bad rap. He reckons it would be a really good idea if a fella were able to stick his penis in a girl even if she didn’t want to be stuck with a penis, because the penis might make a baby.

Boehner believes that when women are given the right to choose whether or not they want to make a baby, “freedom is diminished”.

Even if they’ve been fucked up the arse with sticks, beaten about the head with a rock until their cheekbones turn to chalkdust, and slamdunked repeatedly onto a concrete floor until their bones crack.

Because Boehner believes there’s no justifying “abortion for innocent babies who are conceived through rape or incest”.

And in Oklahoma, Republican State Senator Glenn Coffee thinks it’s a really good idea that when a woman wants to choose whether or not she makes a baby, she should be forced to undergo an ultrasound and listen to a detailed description of the foetus before getting an abortion.

Even if she’d been raped. Even if she was 13 years old, and she’d been raped by her own father.

Back in 2006 in South Dakota, Republican State Senator Bill Napoli reckoned the only potential justification for a woman going through an abortion might be if the woman had been “brutally raped, savaged. The girl was a virgin. She was religious. She planned on saving her virginity until she was married. She was brutalized and raped, sodomized as bad as you can possibly make it, and is impregnated. I mean, that girl could be so messed up, physically and psychologically, that carrying that child could very well threaten her life”.

I wonder what was going through Napoli’s mind when he said “sodomized as bad as you can possibly make it”.?

Some tunes from “Oklahoma” perhaps?

You know what I’d like to do with the likes of John Boehner and Glenn Coffee and Bill Napoli?

I’d like to invite them back to my place for dinner.

I’d like to invite them back to my place for dinner and sit them down and drive metal spikes into their thighs to hold them firmly in place and shackle their arms behind their backs and shoot their sorry little bodies full of electricity until their teeth break and the veins on their neck begin to resemble a tangle of bright red willow vines and I’d like to slit their sagging little testicles with a rusty razor blade and watch the contents unspool in bloody little strings upon my living room floor and then I’d like to peel thin strips of flesh from their stupid limp little cocks like so much sashimi so very very slowly and feed it to them and I’d like to clamp their ears with headphones and play the sound of their wailing howls of pain back to them on a loop until their eardrums burst and blood shot from their brains onto the walls and I’d like to gouge their rheumy old eyes from their heads with a melon baller so that the last thing that would ever play back in the bleak black darkness of their minds would be all of that and nothing more and it would never end it would go on and on and on and on and on until their broken bodies slumped in defeat and their last breath would rattle up and out of their mouths and sound like a diarrhoeic splatter of shit on the bowl of a toilet.

That’s what I would like to do.

…

…

But I am not a violent man.

…

…

For one thing, I wouldn’t get my rental bond back, the carpet would be utterly fucked.

So I won’t do any of that.

I think I’ll just go home and watch a movie.*

(*NSFW)