Post-Melbourne Cup trash

What are Fascinators?

Fascinators got their name when the first woman to wear one asked her boyfriend “how does my little hat look,” to which he slowly replied through gritted teeth “uhm … fascinating?” What he really meant to say was “you look like a Mack truck that hit a parrot!”

Fascinators are generally feathered, but they can also be flowers, a bunch of lace and mesh, novelty shit like cupcakes, and miniature versions of actual hats that tell the world “small hat; small brain”.

Wearing fascinators

There are three simple rules for wearing a fascinator”

• Rule 1: Don’t
• Rule 2: No, seriously, don’t
• Rule 3: Oh for the love of God what are you thinking woman? Don’t!

Where did fascinators come from?

Like small people who have no value to the community apart from riding horses fast, people who make hats inexplicably become celebrities at this time of year. This is the only time that women want to wear hats meaning that this is also the only time that hat makers make money off the gullible.

Greedy hat makers, called milliners, take as many orders as they can and end up being too busy. Instead of farming out the work to Vietnamese women in West Footscray sweatshops, they came up with an even piss-cheaper option – a “hat” that needed little time and effort to make. One day a milliner noticed a dead bird on top of a Volkswagen Beetle and the fascinator was born.

The crafty hat makers paid models to wear them and then the PR industry conspired with cocaine-snorting fashion journalists to convince women that they too would look fantastic with a fuzzy cupcake on their head.

So why are fascinators bad?

How the hell are they good? At best they make women look stupid. At worst they make normal women look fat and stupid – which really is no way to go about life.

Practical hats

Hats are the go ladies; big fuck-off wide brimmed hats that complement or flatter your body – the brim should be at least as wide as your hips. Also, if you’re an ordinary-looking lass, you can cover half your face ensuring that all the attention is on your cleavage; which will do wonders for your self esteem.

Hats are also great for bringing up half a roast chicken and three bottles of shit Australian sparkling wine without upsetting taxi drivers.