Aug 27
Sure, election night 2010 was interesting enough and the ABC’s coverage was perfectly adequate … but in the absence of a result, this is all I was able to take out of it:
Now, something a little different. Faceless Groupthink powerbroker Campbell emailed me his interpretation of ABC News 24′s Michael Rowland during the week — and since there’s no way I’d be able to top it, here it is:
See you next in Bob Katter’s Australia.
Aug 25
As a website, Facebook is generally filled with fail. But every now and again, someone creates a group that fills me with such lolz that I feel compeled to share it.
Anyone familiar with Harry Potter would be familiar with the idea Horcruxes, the dark magical objects used by Voldemort to obtain immortality. Items that store part of your soul so that you can never die. To create a Horcrux you have to split your soul and the only way to split your soul it so commit murder. In the Harry Potter universe Voldemort creates 7 Horcruxes that must be destroyed before the dark lord can be killed.
Complete with some of the best photoshop I have ever seen
Voldemort’s 7 Horcruxes were:
It does lead you to wonder, if Tony Abbott had to pick seven items to place parts of his soul in, what would he pick?
So far I’m thinking the 7 items we would have to destroy before we could kill Abbott are:
That is where I will be beginning my search for the Tony Abbott Horcruxes. What about you?
Aug 25
I was thirteen years old when Gough Whitlam was elected Prime Minister in 1972.
The first Whitlam ministry comprised two men, Whitlam and his deputy Lance Barnard.
For 14 days, these two men made roughly 40 decisions on how the country would be governed and dragged it kicking and screaming into the 20th century after a little too long in grey flannel suit and felt hat land …
The withdrawal of troops from Vietnam.
An inquiry into indigenous land rights.
Recognition of China.
Some progressive thinking took place, some innovation, some ideas, some big ideas, and you didn’t need to be an “adult” or particularly politically aware to sense something very, very different was going on. Of course, it all ended in tears a few short years later, but … c’est la guerre …
Most 13 year olds aren’t much interested in politics, and I was no exception. My major concerns and interests at that time were dealing with school, skipping school whenever I could (which was often until the day I got nabbed farting about in the storm water drains near the train tracks by the cops and escorted back to school), reading science fiction and pulling myself silly. That’s what 13 year old boys do, and anyone who says different is …
While we still don’t know who will be forming government in this country, the polls are closed and the Australian people have spoken. It was a long, painful and frankly boring campaign. Few policies were announced, even fewer were properly debated and overall I feel somewhat dumber for the whole experience.
But there were a few exceptional people leading up to and during the campaign. People who worked tirelessly to make this country a much worse place. With all the election analysis going around I’m afraid that these people might not get the recognition they deserve, which is why here at Groupthink I would like to pay my respects to these tireless individuals.
Nick Minchin
It would be easy to focus on Tony Abbott as the public face of the operation, but Minchin is the real mastermind of this. The ALP may have their faceless warlords, but the LIberal party have the eminently punchable face of Nick Minchin conducting their party room wars. The sight of an enthusiastic and happy Minchin on election night sent shivers down my spine.
The NSW ALP Right
It’s almost like the ALP had a meeting, sat down at a table, looked each other in the eyes and said “Fuck it, I don’t want to win this election”. So they disposed of a leader, backflipped on key policy issues then went screaming eyes shut to the right of every debate. And leading this blind stupidity was the faceless men of the NSW right. I don’t understand how you couldn’t say “our policies, which the opposition voted against have kept Australia out of recession” or “compared to every other developed economy our debt is unbelievably low and because we kept Australia out of recession we will be able to pay it back faster than any other economy, if it were a Liberal government there would have been no stimulus package, a recession and Australia would have slid further into debt”. They were up against Abbott, totally unelectable and became leader of his party by only 1 vote. It’s not exactly a difficult sales pitch. But no, the ALP did everything they could to fucking piss this election up against the wall.
Mark Latham
Utter, utter cunt.
Laurie Oaks
His dressing down of Latham aside, Oaks had a shameful campaign. Just in case the campaign didn’t have enough distractions, there he was at every turn with another leak flowing from his arse. Did you know that members of the same party occasionally had differences of opinion of policy issues in the party room? Because I expected that, but Oaks seemed to think it was a big deal. Which seems rather naive for a man who has been around Canberra for so long.
The Media
That’s right, all of you. The shit media coverage and the shite they called journalism has been well and truly covered here at Groupthink already.
The Young Liberals
This shameless little stunt pretty much ensured your place on the list, you grubby little turds.
While there are plenty more I’d like to mention I am out of time for today.
But feel free to rant about your favourite bad guys of the 2010 election in the comments.
Aug 24
Remember Mark Latham’s 60 Minutes plea for everyone to vote informally? Well, with just under 80% of the vote counted, 622,000 Australians have done just that.
What you may not be aware of is another NSW resident’s plea in response to Latham’s.
With almost all votes counted, it appears that 586 Bennelong punters listened to Victor. Obviously the Victorian head of One Nation, John Groves, wasn’t lying:
#onenation.will surprise tomorrow.
Aug 24
This man will decide who forms the next Australian government:
I mean, if you could imagine 20 or 30 crocodiles up there on the roof, and if all that roof was illumination, and saying that we wouldn’t see anything in this room because of a few croco-roaches up there … Are you telling me seriously that the world is going to warm because there’s 400 parts per million of CO2 up there?
Aug 21
AnSo, today is the day. It’s finally here, election day 2010.
Really?
Stranger things have happened
And a special message for Queenslanders,
Take it from a Victorian
Don’t fuck this up, Australia.
Aug 20
Democracy is a pretty special sort of thing. We take it very much for granted in Australia, but around the world people have lost their lives and endured unimaginable hardship in the fight to secure for themselves a democratic voice. On Wednesday, I did my democracy at the Australia embassy in Cairo, and while my life and wellbeing were not in any way at risk, it was no visit to a primary school to buy a sausage in bread, let me tell you.
It’s hot in Egypt at the moment. Real hot. Like, over 40-degrees hot. There’s a reason only idiots come to Egypt in August and that’s because it’s hot. Regardless, I set out from my hotel in the general direction of the Australian embassy feeling democracy swelling inside me. I knew it was going to be a bit of a walk, and it was going to be a hot walk, but after fifteen minutes in the direct midday sun, shirt sopping wet with sweat, and still a very decent distance away from the embassy, I started to wonder whether democracy matted that much. “Get a taxi!” screamed the comfort-seeking half of my brain. “And waste a perfectly good dollar when you can walk?” screamed the tightarse half of my brain.
Another half hour later I decided to ask a friendly looking man if I was close.
“The Australian embassy,” he said, leading me over to the street so he could point, “is just down here, next to the Italian embassy.”
“Um, are you sure?” I asked. “I’m fairly certain it is north from here but you say it is south.”
“Yes, yes. Very sure.”
“The Australian embassy?” I articulated clearly, in case he thought I meant the country next to Italy.
“Yes, Australia … kangaroo,” he added, helpfully.
So, I backtracked in the direction indicated by my friend, found the Italian embassy, and sure enough there was precisely nothing next to it where he said the Australian one would be. I took off north again.
Finally, an hour-and-a-half after I left the hotel I found the building which houses the Australian embassy on its 10th and 11th floors. I shoved my bag through the x-ray machine and waited for an elevator, developing a nasty chill due to the Arctic air-conditioning’s effect on my dripping wet t-shirt. Up at the embassy’s reception area I surrendered my camera, gave my water bottle and guidebook another dose of x-rays, marvelled at the terrible framed photographs of Quentin Bryce and Stephen Smith on the wall (wondering if there had been until recently a piccie of Kev, too), and got lead by a man through a labyrinthine series of doors and corridors secured by code-lock keypads and CCTV cameras.
Completely disorientated, we emerged into a simple room filled with bright sunlight from floor-to-ceiling windows, and decorated with a large stuffed koala and Australian flag. A young man in business attire, lounging casually behind a large desk, said, “Howyagoin?” which was only about the fifth time in six weeks I’d heard an Australian accent. I told him I was, “Prettygoodhey,” and filled out a postal vote envelope. He handed me a small green slip and a giant white tablecloth and pointed me towards a makeshift booth with “VOTE HERE” plastered on the side. I walked over to the booth, folded the unmarked pieces of paper, walked back over to the young man, sealed them in the postal vote envelope, and shoved it into the locked ballot box.*
Tempted to ask if I could hang around and chat or something – anything to spend a bit longer in the air-conditioning – I said, “Seeyalater,” retrieved my camera from Quentin Bryce’s protective gaze, and headed back out into Cairo’s ridiculous heat just to get totally lost once more and spend an hour walking around like an idiot instead of spending a dollar on a taxi fare.
(* Of course I didn’t vote informally – I’m not that stupid. I made sure I put a tick in every box.)
Aug 20
Election tomorrow, and the last chance I’ll get to have my way with this bloke while he’s still more or less relevant. So here he is … outgoing federal finance minister and resolute non-leaker Linsday Tanner:
And the reader’s challenge this week is especially for Mark Latham who, true to form, appears to have submitted a blank comment in last week’s thread:
I’ll see you next in Abbott’s Australia.
Aug 18
By now, odds are you have heard about Queensland Family First senate candidate, Wendy Francis. You know, the one who had the homophobic rant on Twitter? The one that said “Legitimising gay marriage is like legalising child abuse”.
Well, she has issued a warning to Queensland,
Senate candidate Wendy Francis has warned Queenslanders that Australia would be worse off without a Family First senator. She said if the Greens obtained the balance of power in their own right the floodgates of immorality would open and Australia would spiral out of control.
That sound’s pretty dire, Wendy. Please go on.
“Because the Greens have such strong support from people who are not parents they have little understanding of issues that parents and families face.”
Um… so that logic is more than a little flawed, but I’m sure you are getting to your point.
Francis said despite the outward appearance of a credible party, the Greens will try and force their anti-Christian, pro-drug, anti-life agenda onto unsuspecting Australians. “The Greens are not mainstream and will have more influence if Labor gets in. The result will be the destruction of marriage as we know it, the silencing of the mainstream Judeo-Christian message and the loss of Australian values.”
Oh noes!!1! Not marriage, you can’t destroy marriage. How do we stop this devastation?
Family First is the voice of mainstream Australia according to Francis. “I believe it is more important than ever for a moderate voice like Family First to be in the senate and maintain the nation’s integrity. If we are not represented I hold grave fears for our future,” she said.
If her view of immorality is equal rights for gays, equal rights for all religions, harm minimization for drug users and rights for women. I say open the floodgates, it’s time to go swimming.