Sometimes I wonder if The Age is even bothering to hire journalists anymore.

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It is hard to believe, isn’t it? Not that teenage boys are dumb, vain and confused. That is obviously a fact. (and they smell bad too). What is hard to believe is that The Age has published Alexandra Adornetto’s gushing 809 word-vomit about how Edward Cullen is better than the real boys.

For a start, Edward (unlike your typical pubescent male) is not a commitment-phobe. His devotion to Bella is impressive. He opens car doors for her, is always attentive to her needs and does not presume to take her out without first meeting her father.

Edward is a classic gentleman and a SNAG rolled into one. And he has no difficulty articulating his emotions. What’s more, Edward is never confused about his role – he is comfortable as protector and provider. He is impeccably groomed and never has to be lectured about hygiene. He exercises superhuman control in keeping his relationship with Bella chaste, though he does fly into uncontrollable rages whenever Bella’s safety is compromised. But then, some of us girls happen to like that.

I haven’t read Twilight, I don’t intend to read Twilight. I have not seen the movies, I will not see the movies.

But I can safely say that Edward Cullen is a douche. And not just a regular douche, but an undead, possessive, bloodsucking douche.

Edward Cullen is a charming gentleman in the same way Mel Gibson is a charming gentleman.

He is the kind of guy that would descend into a PSYCHOPATHIC JEALOUS RAGE over pretty much everything is NOT A FUCKING CLASSIC GENTLEMAN! He is an abusive, obsessive and controlling boyfriend with an ego roughly as large as the hole in The Age’s journalistic credibility.

Alexandra is as scathing of Teenage boys as she adoring of that sparkling douche-bag:

Apart from a small minority, teenage boys fall into three distinct categories: macho, metro or just plain muddled. The first type is the beer-swilling Neanderthal who is more concerned about how he is perceived by his mates than winning a girl’s affection. These boys think passing wind counts as humour and everything they say is punctuated with some sexual innuendo.

The second type is metro man, whose preoccupation with image is often more important than spending time with a girlfriend. These lads own skinny jeans and hair-straighteners and spend a lot of time shopping for accessories to complement their ”indie” outfits. Metro man is too aware of his effect on women and usually uses it to his advantage. Scratch the surface and you won’t find much substance.

The third type is generally decent, but gives out such conflicting messages that you need telepathic skills to work out what they’re about.

I don’t even know where to begin. I honestly don’t. What the fuck is wrong with her? Was she dropped on her head repeatedly as a child? Then later as a toddler? The struck from behind with a large, blunt heavy object object? Because if brain damage was an article it would be this one.

Miss Adornetto, you are dumb, vain and confused.

I’m just gonna write off your simplistic, ignorant and misguided understanding of teenage boys as a result of your obvious lack of contact with human males. That, and your brain damage.

I am no female. I am just a smelly, confused and vain teenage boy. But if I were a girl, I think I would take the sincerity, social awkwardness and good humour of a teenage boy over a narcissistic, blood sucking, sparkling, poofter creep like Edward Cullen.

I stand in solidarity with teenage boys everywhere. Because I think that the confused teenage boy has too much to put up with already without Alexandra Adornetto’s stupid bullshit.

Addendum: Upon completion of this post I threw Alexandra’s name into Google. It turns out she is a 17 year old girl who has written 4 more published books than I ever will. Upon learning of her age, I removed (some of) the nasty name calling. With the knowledge of her age it is clear she is just a dumb, confused and vain teenage girl who is much more misguided than she is stupid. References to her brain damage may have gone too far, but remain for rhetorical effect. But just because she is young and misguided, does not make her article any less jaw-droppingly stupid and The Age and less crap for publishing it.