Taking into account the Gillard government’s current policy of negotiating your own tax burden, I would like to take this time to outline my current position. I will be taking this directly to the PM just as soon as her office starts returning my calls.

I would like to propose that I pay no tax.

None.

I feel I contribute much to society already through the operation of the free market and that by taxing me the government is interfering in my free market operation.

Taxes are restricting my spending on CDs, alcohol and clothing. Hurting many great Australian businesses. If I continue being taxed I may have to scale back my investment, a move that will lead to much suffering for the hardworking people of Cooper’s Brewery. I think I personally have been responsible for at least 2 jobs there.

Now, I understand that if I don’t pay taxes it will lead to a shortfall in the federal budget. But don’t worry, I am way ahead of you. I have bought with me a number of proposals that I think you will find will suitably fill the hold left in the budget by me not paying taxes.

I have long been of the opinion that Nickelback CDs are grossly under taxed in this country. There would be quite a revenue boost if the government decided to hike the taxes on shitty Microsoft and Adobe software. A levy on Southern Cross decals and tats?

Or, how about a rise in the tax rate on the big miners? I hear they are making quite a lot of money.