When I was a kid I always wanted to be an astronaut when I grew up. I used to sit in my bedroom at night and stare out the window at the stars, wondering what the earth would look like if I were up there in a spaceship looking down. I imagined it to be a beautiful sight, with oceans and mountains and clouds and volcanoes and airplanes criss-crossing the sky between me and the sleeping families down below. I had a lot more trouble imagining what it would look like when the spaceship went around the bottom of the planet — what does the underside of the earth look like, anyway? Would it be just lots of dirt with all the tree roots sticking out? Can you see all the oil that hasn’t been pumped up yet and the bottoms of coffins and stuff?

But my point is that never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would be an accountant when I grew up. Not many people know that I was an accountant before I was in control of the Senate; humble beginnings, I can hear you say, but from little things big things grow. As an accountant I probably have a much more intimate knowledge of economic and taxation matters than most ordinary Australians, and I often have to step in at dinner parties and in meetings with colleagues to pour some hard facts on uniformed speculation. Like this one time, Barnaby suggested that we should just print more money to pay off debt and I gently scolded him, pointing out that the cost of the extra plastic and ink would completely wipe out any benefit gained.

One of the things that happened while I was a working accountant was the introduction of the GST. The GST, for those of you who don’t quite understand, is a tax on goods and services. Services, for those of you who don’t quite understand, are the sorts of things delivered by state governments — health, policing, garbage collection etc. Every time you buy a good (except for birthday cakes which are exempt) or use a service, you pay $10 to the federal government. This money is then deposited into the state governments’ bank accounts to pay for more services like public libraries.

Complicated, I know, but try to stay with me.

This week the country Prime Minister has been talking to the state Prime Ministers at their COGA meeting about changing the way the GST money is shared around and spent on hospitals. Now, nobody doubts that the nation’s hospital system is getting worse, and everybody knows that the finger-pointing and blame game games are mostly to blame for this terrible state of affairs, but healthcare is far too important to be used a political football and there are many, many both sides to the story to be considered. That’s why I’m angry and disappointed that instead of just fixing hospitals the Prime Ministers are squabbling over who gets what GST money and who gets to spend it. Enough is enough.

There is heaps and heaps of GST money. Consider that each year I probably consume about 50 loaves of bread, 12 jars of Vegemite, 15 tins of Milo, 100 litres of milk, and 200 Chicken Heroes (and those are just the staples of my diet); plus I might use a hospital once or twice, get my garbage collected every week, and usually get questioned by the police once every couple of months; and I pay $10 each and every one of those times. Just on my own I reckon I pay easily over $100 in GST and I’m only one of 21 million Australians! Clearly, there is enough GST revenue to fix the hospitals once and for all.

So, the other day all-but-one of the PMs came to an agreement about changing the carve-up of the GST, with Western Australia’s Colonel Barnett holding out. Because it wasn’t a yoonani yunany younanny all of them agreeing on it at the same time agreement the changes will have to go to Parliament, and as the holder of the balance of power in Canberra I will be required to make a decision that will have serious repercussions for all Australians. And to think that once upon a time I was just a simple accountant!

But with great power comes great responsibility, and I take my responsibilities extremely seriously. Unfortunately, details of the changes agreed upon are sketchy at best, and I am still quite vague as to the exact proposal I will be balancing power on. I have spent all week trying to gain access to the CAOG negotiations, mindful of my need to be totally across this issue, but I have been foiled at every turn. I have inundated the offices of Kevin Rudd, Joan Brumby and Kerri-Ann Keneally with faxes and emails asking for them to let me into the circle of talks, but nothing. A cynic might suggest that these people, charged as they are with great responsibility by the people of Australia, aren’t taking their responsibilities seriously. How am I supposed to vote on something I know nothing about?

I am a humble man and I have been honoured by the voters of Victoria with a great burden. Even though I was a bit upset about missing out on the dinner party at Kirribilli Lodge during CLAG (I even faxed the Lodge chef my food preferences: no middle brown food but light brown and dark brown is okay) this is not about me. I intend on discharging my duties diligently in this healthcare GST matter and I will do my best to get across the issue despite the obstructionist tactics of the Prime Ministers. Further, I will ensure that I do not make my decision until all media outlets are carefully paying attention to me so that I can clearly communicate my reasoning to the electorate. My people of Australia deserve no less.

Until next time.