Groupthink

Archive for April, 2010

I hate …

Apr 30

Posted by Spock... in Social etiquette | 11 Comments

… everything.

That’s right. I am a hate filled leftist. Filled with hate and of teh left.

Sometimes I violently hate things.

Violent, hateful leftist.

What is is with the left and hate? The oft-asked question that never seems to need an answer.

I really do seem to hate everything. And the more trivial the issue, the more worked up I seem to get.

But if there is one thing wrong with the world, it is people who blatantly abuse the express checkout system. It is not the baby killing gay leftists that are causing the demise of society. No, it is these selfish cunts who take a weeks worth of grocery shopping through the 12 items or less express lane.

Just because you can fit your whole week’s worth of grocery shopping into a basket, doesn’t make it 12 items or fucking less. It makes it 30 items crammed into a basket.. The sign doesn’t say “a basket or less” or “no trolleys” it says “12 items or less”. ITEMS! Learn to count you daft fuckers. It doesn’t even say “oh, the other lines are a little long and you’re in a rush? Oh, alright, just this once”. It says 12 items or less, it’s pretty unambiguous. 12 items or less means 12 items or fucking less!

I have a pack of chips and a coke, because that’s my lunch (fat slob that I am) and I have 20 mins to be back at work and I have to sit there and watch as you put through 30 items while the checkout chick doesn’t say a word.

In the words of Steve Fielding, send them to the back of the queue!

It’s not a victimless crime. Really people suffer because of your selfishness. I have missed lunches because of it. I have missed trains because of it.

The express lane is there for the people who have few items and want to make a quick in and out. If you had time to go and pick out 30 items you have the time to wait at the regular checkouts like everyone else!

Cunts.

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Apocalypse Bolt!

Apr 30

Posted by Ross Sharp in Media, Politics | 12 Comments

Alert and alarmed …

“This year, the stakes are higher than ever,” (Obama) said, according to a transcript of his remarks provided by Democratic officials. “It will be up to each of you to make sure that young people, African Americans, Latinos and women who powered our victory in 2008 stand together once again…”

Race War

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Oklahoma!

Apr 29

Posted by Ross Sharp in Health, Society | 8 Comments

Once upon a time, God made a man and named him Adam and He looked down and saw that Adam was a fine piece of work so He took a day off and went to the pub for a bit.

When God came back to work on Monday, He had a squizz at how Adam was getting on and He realised that Adam was a bit out of sorts, so He thought, “I will make Adam a friend”.

So He gave Adam some pills to put him to sleep and then He ripped out one of Adam’s ribs and made a woman out of it, which is a really neat trick when you think on it.

I tried to make a woman out of a rib once and all I wound up with was Calista Flockhart.

Anyway, when Adam woke up, He looked at this woman God had made whose name was Eve and Adam got a stiffy. Adam stuck his stiffy into Eve’s front hole and wiggled it about some and that felt really good and Eve thought it felt really good too and made some moaning sounds, but God got pissed about that and yelled out to Eve, “Oi you, ya dumb bint, you’re not supposed to enjoy this y’know, you’re a fucking rib, just lay there and shut the fuck up”.

So that’s what she learnt to do, just shut the fuck up and let Adam poke her in whatever hole he wanted to and whenever he wanted to, a dozen times a day if he felt like it, and that was a fine and dandy tradition simply because it was the natural order of things as God had intended it.

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Maybe if we dig a moat?

Apr 24

Posted by Spock... in Federal election 2010, Foreign matter | 8 Comments

On the plus side, voting in this year’s federal election just got a little easier.

AN Abbott government would buy three unmanned spy planes to use as weapons in its pledge to turn around illegal boat arrivals.

Opposition Leader Tony Abbott said the Global Hawk surveillance aircraft – costing between $40 million and $100 million each – would provide early detection of asylum seekers.

Because that is the rational thing to do. Spend $300 million on planes to catch leaky boats. In fact why stop at planes? I think we need surveillance satellites, the full resources of the navy and the air-force and the army and while we’re at it LET’S BUILD A GIANT WALL!

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: What happened to political discourse in this country where refugees are talked about like pests?

This year will be the first federal election where I will be able to exercise my democratic right to decide if I’d rather a turd sandwich and a giant douche, and I feel like it is a really bad election to pop my voting cherry with. I would have liked the 2007 election. Government change, revolution, excitement. Howard lost his seat after almost 12 years. Sure, the man we replaced him with turned out to be a giant douche, but we didn’t know that for sure at the time.

But this year, we have Rudd vs Abbott. We have seen them both in government before and they both stink. Hooray for democracy!

Also in that same story: Abbott can’t think of any reason not to sell uranium to India.

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More cookie-cutter journalism

Apr 22

Posted by Scott Bridges in Media | 3 Comments

Remember the @SourceBottle twitter account’s call for mortgage-stress families in the wake of an interest rates rise? Well, here’s today’s @SourceBottle call in response to the government’s decision to cancel the building of promised childcare facilities:

As @Jen_Bennett noted earlier this afternoon, after a @SourceBottle call on behalf of the Herald Sun for “anyone refusing to celebrate ANZAC Day”:

I’m thinking Source Bottle is rapidly becoming an excellent place for pre-emptive journalistic embarrassment.

Word.

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Ask a stupid question …

Apr 22

Posted by Ross Sharp in A funny thing happened on the way to ..., Corporations | 14 Comments

At a job interview …

Q: If we were to offer you the job, where would you like to see yourself in 10 years time?

A: In 10 years time, I’ll be 61 years old, so I’d like to see myself as retired.

Stupid job interview questions.

Have at it.

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Steve’s GST burden

Apr 22

Posted by @FakeFielding in Health, Politics | 3 Comments

When I was a kid I always wanted to be an astronaut when I grew up. I used to sit in my bedroom at night and stare out the window at the stars, wondering what the earth would look like if I were up there in a spaceship looking down. I imagined it to be a beautiful sight, with oceans and mountains and clouds and volcanoes and airplanes criss-crossing the sky between me and the sleeping families down below. I had a lot more trouble imagining what it would look like when the spaceship went around the bottom of the planet — what does the underside of the earth look like, anyway? Would it be just lots of dirt with all the tree roots sticking out? Can you see all the oil that hasn’t been pumped up yet and the bottoms of coffins and stuff?

But my point is that never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would be an accountant when I grew up. Not many people know that I was an accountant before I was in control of the Senate; humble beginnings, I can hear you say, but from little things big things grow. As an accountant I probably have a much more intimate knowledge of economic and taxation matters than most ordinary Australians, and I often have to step in at dinner parties and in meetings with colleagues to pour some hard facts on uniformed speculation. Like this one time, Barnaby suggested that we should just print more money to pay off debt and I gently scolded him, pointing out that the cost of the extra plastic and ink would completely wipe out any benefit gained.

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The Tonynator

Apr 22

Posted by Jason in Politics | 9 Comments

Yesterday, Tony Abbott crossed a line where he’s now offering policies that actually sound like the premises of dystopian sci-fi movies.

This has the makings of a great elevator pitch to James Cameron:

TONY Abbott has proposed banning the dole for people under 30 in a bid to entice the unemployed to head west and fill massive skill shortages in the booming resources sector.

Imagine, Jim: Australia, 2012 – everyone under 30 has been enslaved and sent to underground mines in the desert. Only one man (Colin Farrell) has the courage to take on the system and live.

Next, I’d like to hear Tony proposing that we convert old people into a sinister but nutritious food product for an overcrowded world.

Anyways, which chilling vision of the future do you think the coalition should the Coalition should incorporate in their next policy announcement?

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Taking bets

Apr 21

Posted by Spock... in Media | 7 Comments

As I predicted yesterday, the paper versions of Melbourne’s main daily newspapers were all over the Carl Williams murder story. Furthermore, I predict that unless another boat of darkies shows up, or a new war breaks out, Carl Williams will be the media focus until the end of the week (perhaps longer).

I challenge you, the Groupthink readers, to predict just how many column inches (in m) will be wasted on this voyeuristic, crime-romanticizing shite between Tuesday (yesterday) and Sunday (the 25th).

The GT reader who gets closest will be awarded a prestigious #SocialMediaExpert badge.

Prizes will be awarded separately for The Age and for The Herald Sun.

To get you started, here are some numbers from yesterday, just to give you an idea of where we are heading.

The Herald Sun used approximately 6m of column space to report the Murder and around 1.05 square meters of images and charts to illustrate the story including a 4 page wrap around in full colour and then the front page proper.

The Age covered the story extensively too, but I will hold the numbers until we have a result at the end of the week.

Have at it.

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#SocialMediaExpert

Apr 20

Posted by Scott Bridges in The Internet | 37 Comments

Remember that classic television sketch all those years ago when Andrew Denton pushed a wheelbarrow of foam Logie statuettes along the streets, handing them out indiscriminately to random passers-by? (I’ve been looking all over YouTube for a clip but can’t find out — if you can find a link make sure you share it with us.) Anyway, just as Logies are fairly worthless as badges of talent, so is the tag “social media expert” which is usually worn sarcastically by people who make any sort of comment about teh Internet, and sometimes is worn un-sarcastically by people who actually think their use of social media makes them an expert. On Twitter, the badge is hashed up thus: #SocialMediaExpert.

With this in mind, Groupthink is looking to award the #SocialMediaExpert badge to anyone who can share with us a nugget of social media wisdom. Once you’ve been awarded your #SocialMediaExpert badge you may wear it with pride all over the Tubes and if anyone questions your credentials simply direct them to the University of Groupthink (Intertubes faculty).

So, get to it. Nuggets of social media wisdom in comments.

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