I hate Senate holidays. There’s nothing to do and there’s no media waiting in groups out the front of the house to do stunts at every day. Not only are Senate holidays boring as anything, I hate the ever-present threat of having to go down to the electorate office and I hate having to look busy to prevent Susan from enacting that threat onto me. One thing I’ve started to do is walk around at all times with a notepad under my arm and pencil behind my ear, squinting my eyes like I’m thinking and murmuring policy under my breath. Susan asked to look in the notepad once but I told her it was secret political business and she wouldn’t understand, for which she made me draw a cross in one of the three warning boxes on the whiteboard in the kitchen. I hate that.

I hate Senate holidays on their own as it is, but I hate them even more when they coincide with school holidays because my kids are home with me. Two days ago my son snuck up quietly behind me while I was looking in the fridge for the devon and shouted out, “BOAT SEEKERS!” I jumped literally out of my skin and did a little bit of wee in my pants. It took my son about four minutes to get the footage out of his mobile phone and onto YouTube, and I was on the phone to Conroy reaffirming my commitment to the web filter that very evening.

Last night the whole family was sitting around watching TV (the kids and I get to stay up until 9:30pm during holidays) when that new Victorian road safety ad came on. “Don’t be a dickhead,” boomed the voiceover and my son turned around and said, “yeah, Dad.” We were all a bit shocked; Susan bit her bottom lip really hard but had to wipe up a fleck of snot that came flying out of her nose. I’m really sick and tired of these kids — they have no respect at all for their elders — so in response to my son’s attitude I tried out a line I’ve heard all the teenagers using lately. “Your mum’s a dickhead,” I told my son, and 40 seconds later I was in my bedroom without dessert and grounded for a month. I hate it how Susan always takes our kids’ side.

This morning, still furious about last night’s events, I decided to use my special powers for good and release a press release about the road safety ads. There are too many swears in today’s society and politicians shouldn’t be encouraging our kids to use more swears. We’re just a slippery slope away from perhaps the S-word and even the F-word being used in government campaigns, and from there it’s just another slip before it’s the C-word or even the J-word. Once upon a time there were no swears in society and society was a better place for it. A dirty mouth is a sign of a dirty mind, my Dad always told me, and society’s mind is getting dirtier and dirtier every day. I was elected on a clearly articulated platform of stopping the rot and upholding decent family values and that’s exactly what I will do once I make as many people as possible pay attention to me.

I called up Xzennophone to make sure that he wasn’t going to steal my thunder because he often trumps my press releases with his own press releases; Xzennophone tends to write my thoughts, but so much thinkier than I think. I asked him if he’d seen the road safety ad with the swears in it and he said he hadn’t, although he had just seen a great YouTube video of an Australian Senator dropping a jar of mayonnaise on the floor and screaming “Jesus fuck!” at the top of his voice. I hung up the phone and got back in touch with Conroy proposing an outright ban on YouTube at the very least, and ideally on the entire Internet.

Since I’m grounded I’ve got nothing to look forward to until Senate goes back except for Easter which is awesome for the chocolate bit but a bit of a drag because of the church bit. Why can’t we just celebrate the miracle of the holy rabbit laying the chocolate egg in the cave where Jesus was sleeping by eating instead of praying? Sometimes this church and religion thing can just get a bit much. Last Sunday my pastor gave me a reading to do at home and wants me to have a chat about it with him next week. I’ve read the passage about a hundred times but it still doesn’t make much sense. I think I’ll just tell the pastor that it’s about God and Jesus and sin and miracles and swearing and stuff, and then throw a media stunt to distract his attention.

Until next time.