A few months ago I had the misfortune to require the services of a hospital and the experience has ultimately had a huge impact on health policy in this country. Susan was taking the kids to the cinema but I wasn’t allowed to go because it was an M-rated film so I was staying home alone. She made me some lunch and put it on a plate in the microwave with a Post-it note arrow stuck next to the keypad, and left on the table a John Farnham, Live In Concert DVD for me to watch. I love staying home alone because I can be totally independent and do what I want.

Having successfully re-heated my food after five frustrating minutes spent realising that I had to press the button next to the Post-in note arrow, not the arrow itself, I settled down in the lounge room to watch the DVD. But all of a sudden disaster struck when I stuck the DVD into the VHS machine without even thinking! What an idiot! Panicking, I frantically pressed EJECT on the remote control and the machine itself, but the disc wouldn’t come out. I changed the batteries and tried again but still nothing! I called Susan to ask what to do but her phone was on silent inside the cinema. Breathing deep to keep the anxiety at bay I knew it was time for some creative thinking.

Careful to unplug the machine so there was no chance of electrocuting myself, I picked it up, pointed the tape door towards the floor, and shook it with all my might. I could hear the disc rattling around inside but it just wouldn’t come out. By this stage I was nearly in tears, and I considered calling 000 but I decided to give it one more shot. Placing the machine on the coffee table I carefully inserted my hand through the door and grabbed hold of the disc. Success! However, no matter how hard I tried, I could not get my hand out of the machine.

Two hours later Susan arrived home with the kids and found me sitting on the carpet, bashing the video player connected to the end of my arm on the floor, and covered head-to-toe in all the butter and olive oil I could find in the house. It was not, I’ll admit, one of my finer moments. I was so overwrought with emotions that I couldn’t stop my son from taking photos on his phone and texting them around to his friends.

I spent the next six hours in the emergency room of my local hospital and my harrowing experience makes me supremely qualified to formulate and analyse this country’s health system. For starters, waiting lists are at crisis point as people in need go without necessary treatment. I had to wait for four hours before a doctor saw me! Four! I was attended to by many nurses but they were hardly taking their jobs seriously going by the level of giggling and photo texting that they were doing while they were supposed to be working.

The indignity I suffered, sitting there in the waiting room, was stinging. Our hospitals are supposed to be places where people heal their bodies and minds but mine were getting sicker. I vowed then and there to do something about health in this country.

Finally, I was examined by a doctor who removed the VHS machine and dressed the grazes on my hand. I asked him why the whole thing had taken so long and he said that hospitals are all under-staffed and under-resourced for the work that they were asked to do. I told him that I was a law maker (I heard Barack Osama say that phrase on the telly) and that I could do something about it. He stared at the puddle of grease on the sheet around my bottom and said he doubted that. I gave him my APH business card and said that I seriously was a politician, and after he’d called my office and described me over the phone to verify my credentials I asked him what was the one single thing that would most improve health. Money, he said, and lots of it.

As soon as I got home I emailed Kevin Rudd and told him that we should give more money to hospitals. Then I called my staff to tell them that this was a new policy. And finally I called Nick Xzennophone to tell him that it was my new policy and I thought of it first so don’t go announcing it himself and claiming it was his. Nick told me to say thanks to my son for the MMS. What’s an MMS?

And finally today, after months and months of my lobbying and tireless work on my behalf, Kevin Rudd has announced his health plan, modelled on Family First’s policy, which includes more money for hospitals. Excellent. But the good work is totally cancelled out by his bizarre decision to move all hospitals to Canberra. How on earth anyone could possibly think such an idea is a good one is beyond me. Just imagine how far people will have to travel for treatment if they live in Queensland, Victoria, South Australia, North Australia and the Western Terrortry! Madness.

As usual, this country’s government has taken a good, sensible idea and baked it by half. Australians are right to be sick of being stuffed around, and the impending travel for thousands of hospital patients will surely be the last straw for most voters. For this reason, it is imperative that you vote for Family First and common sense in this year’s referendum. You never know when it might be you waiting in a hospital emergency department with a video machine on your arm and butter dripping through your eyebrows.

Until next time.