If there is one profession going around at the moment that could be replaced by a vending machine it would be pharmacy. Not too long ago pharmacists had to use their brains. They had to know formulas and mix chemical ingredients with a mortar and pestle. Two for you, one for me. Two for me, one for you. Nowadays all they do is whack a sticker on a box of pills and make you wait 15 minutes for it. The pills come in a box like a Lite ‘n Easy meal. Do you have to see some stuck-up gourmet chef to get one of those?

What compounds pharmacists’ overblown sense of importance is their matron-like retail staff. You know the ones who ask you all sorts of inane questions when you buy some Panadol? Do you have any stomach ulcers? Are you taking this in conjunction with Nurofen? Is this for period pain? And why doesn’t Panadol just come in the form of Panadol Rapid? Why do you need the standard form of Panadol that takes hours to work? Further, what about toothpaste that you spend hours staring at in the supermarket isle trying to decide which one out of forty types of Macleans you need?  Why doesn’t that just come in an all-in-one tube?

I was in the chemist recently and I needed to buy some travel handwash. You know, the stuff that comes in the form of a gel to disinfect your hands? After being shadowed by the vulture-like retail assistant, I grabbed a small bottle of handwash from the shelf and walked to the counter where I was asked, “Have you used this before?”

Gobsmacked, my first instinct was to say none of your business. However, to hurry the process up and to shut her up I said yes.

She replied with another question, “Will you be using this around children? Because if you are and they swallow it all then you should ring the poison hotline number.”

Looking at the bottle, I replied, “What’s the number? It’s not on the back of the bottle.”

“Urm … I don’t know. It should be in your phonebook.”

“I don’t have a phonebook. Look, I’m in a hurry …”  and I left feeling slightly violated and pissed off.

Being a consumer is hard enough these days without having to put up with pharmacists and their assistants. They’re as redundant as candlestick makers and radio actors. All you need is a script, and if you have any questions Google it or ask another person in the line. Guaranteed they will know just as much as a pharmacist. Hopefully soon, a vending machine will give you the pills, print the label and you’ll be out of there in under a minute so you can go to the supermarket and spin your brain into circles deciding what toilet paper you need.

Tags: Campbell is a consumer crusader, Campbell is not Jerry Seinfeld, medicine, pharmacists, vending machines