Traditional Family Values is bought to you this year by your favourite Traditional Family Values Political Representative, of which we currently appear to have a thumping surfeit.

Traditional Family Values will feature Robert Young and Fred MacMurray, with our very special guest star Jimmy Stewart as Traditional Family Grandpa.

The soundtrack to Traditional Family Values swings gently to the lite’n’easy sing-along stylings of Mitch Miller and his Orchestra, and is sponsored by Ballantine Beer, Pepsodent and snow-fresh filtered Kool, isn’t it time you switched to snow-fresh filtered Kool today?

Traditional Family Values will be presented to you tonight in glorious 16 inch traditional monochrome, guaranteed to highlight the whitest of whites and keep the blacks in the shadows where they traditionally belong.

Traditional Family Values will take place in a Traditional Family Home which has a Traditional Family Backyard and a Traditional Family Fence.

Traditional Family Values would now like you to meet “the little woman”, “the missus”, “the wife” – you can sort out the actual names amongst yourselves later, they’re not really important – Traditional Family Men have Traditional Family Men’s Business to attend to whilst the Traditional Family Women keep each other company in the Traditional Family Kitchen and discuss Traditional Family Woman’s Wear, the nice frocks at Macy’s just perfect for a Traditional Family Day Out at the Traditional Family Fun Fair over summer when Chip and Sandy are on school-break, there’s fairy-floss and a petting zoo and a carousel, it’s fun for the whole family in a traditional kind of way, Sno-Cones only 5 cents a pop and a corndog for Traditional Family Dad for a dime.

Tonight (and every night) Traditional Family Wife will prepare a Traditional Family Dinner which will be served on a Traditional Family Dinner Table and attended by all members of the Traditional Family Household who will then, traditionally, proceed to discuss with each other in a traditionally orderly fashion the traditionally absorbing adventures and experiences of their day, Chip’s skin isn’t clearing up and he’s still got a crush on Clark & Doreen’s girl Donna, and Sandy thinks Mr. Dodds, the new Math teacher is “really, really dreamy”, and Betty needs more house money and a new ironing table.

Traditional Family Values would like to introduce you to the “bachelor” next door, and we’re sure one day he’ll find himself a nice girl and settle down and have himself a nice Traditional Family just like all the other folk on this nice Traditional Family Street in this nice Traditional Family Neighbourhood have done. But heck, until that happens, Traditional Family Values would also like you to meet our “bachelor’s” house-buddy, they’re a bit of an odd couple really, but it’s nice to have a friend be able to help out around the house and with the bills, isn’t it?

Traditional Family Values now needs to talk with you about Traditional Family Bees and Traditional Family Birds and show you a nice video.

That’s enough of that, thank you.

In the Traditional Family Home where Traditional Family Values are traditionally observed, Traditional Family Dad is the King of His Traditional Family Castle and Traditional Family Mom knows it and knows it well enough to keep her traditional place.

Why, last time Traditional Family Mom spoke out of turn and violated the Traditional Family Rules, Traditional Family Dad gave her a thoroughly well-deserved slapping about the head and shoulders with a broken length of broom handle before picking her whole body up and throwing her down the back steps into the Traditional Family Backyard and giving the Traditionally Floppy Family Dog a fright.

Traditional Family Mom certainly knows better now not to do that again, by golly.

Traditional Family Values.

They’re neat and clean and tidy and nice and quiet and everything and everyone has a traditional place and a traditional role and no one ever speaks out of turn.

Who wouldn’t want that?