In what has been described by experts as “reckless, irresponsible, highly disappointing, ridiculous and shocking”, a potentially fatal toxin was recently released to the Australian public and may have been unwittingly consumed by possibly tens of thousands of hapless victims.

It is understood that consumption of this toxin can lead to any or all of the following symptoms -

Chronic high blood pressure, heart attack, kidney failure, stroke, obesity, asthma, serious heart disease.

Leading Australian toxicologists have urged the public not to panic in the wake of the poison’s emergence but are advising caution be exercised in areas where the toxin has been located so far and is most likely to present itself, i.e. food halls and shopping malls.

Bruce Neal, acting Commander of The Sydney World Action on Bio-Genetic and Bio-Terrorist Terminal Toxins Unit demanded the Federal Government take immediate action to eliminate this threat to the health of the nation’s populace by taking such drastic measures as “restricting the ability of people to move freely in or through areas where the toxin is known to exist. We have had reports of people who have consciously chosen to consume this poisonous substance, of their own free will, and we call on the Prime Minister as a matter of utmost urgency to take whatever action may be needed to put a halt to this behaviour immediately and to stop any further spread of this deadly material throughout the wider community. If the military need be bought in, so be it.”

Tony Thirlwell, chief executive of the Poking Our Fingers In Your Chest And Wagging Them In Your Face And Nagging You Till You Die Foundation added that “we run the risk here of cultivating a culture of death if we continue to allow this type of thing to happen. I call on the Prime Minister and the Federal Government to launch an immediate Senate inquiry into how this situation has been allowed to arise.”

Family First Senator Steve Fielding told a media pack last night that he had consumed the substance in question during play lunch the day before, but that it would not prevent him from carrying out his day-to-day parliamentary duties. When asked what effect the poison had had on him, Senator Fielding replied “My pants hurt and I blew a hole in my favourite Snoopy doona”.

Pastor Danny Nahlia of Catch The Fire Ministries also said a few things, none of which made the slightest bit of sense, and a large number of people simply wondered why all these other people couldn’t simply shut the fuck up and mind their own fucking business for once in their miserable fucking lives and stop making out that some shitty bloody hamburger is going bring down civilisation as we know it.

Pass the chips.