On occasions all too rare in Australia, on occasions all too infrequent (which means “all too rare”), one man (or a woman, if you insist) will rise above the seething mass of anonymous humanity, will rise above the tide of the ordinary and the average and, with a few wise and well-chosen words, strike at the very root of complacency that lies within the hearts and souls of us all to awaken the otherwise dull minions of humankind to the presence of darkest evil lurking in our midst.

Today, such a man is Sam Watson, deputy director of the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Studies Unit at the University of Queensland.

Mr. Watson implores us all to realise …

THIS BISCUIT WILL GAS YOUR BABY.

This biscuit will rape your mother, sodomise your wife, gouge the eyes from the nodding head of your old, gray papa and inject the veins of your first born with a mixture of dishwashing liquid and food dye.

This is one evil motherfucking biscuit.

It will skin your dog, flay your cat, and throw your goldfish into the compost heap.

This is the biscuit that other biscuits fear to share a tin with.

It will blow up bridges, drain harbours, bring down tall buildings and kill off the stock exchange with one bite.

This is the Bernie Madoff of biscuit bastardry.

This biscuit will invade Poland.

At the peak of its deranged megalomania, this biscuit will imagine it’s a full size Weston’s Wagon Wheel and roll into Russia.

Who will stop this biscuit?

Who will stand with Mr. Watson and, in trenches dug deep, fight alongside this brave and outspoken warrior for justice in his fearless quest to bring about an end to the evils of Biscuitism once and for all?

…

…

We did think of asking the ANZACS, but they crumbled. As usual.

Fucking losers.